Thanks trace and yeah, my head is still a mess and my heart is still so sore, i miss her horribly and it's just killing me. I have panic attacks and that's never happened to me, just thinking about the future without her and I throw up i spent a night screaming why into my pillow and i'm so exhausted from all the crying. People say I will get better but she is my soulmate, i'm obviously not hers but my feelings wont go away...

edit: I guess i was a swan in past life, only one partner for me (killing my future chances here i know LOL)

I know!, and you feel you have no purpose in life anymore! I was with my ex for 24yrs... i still have, almost daily contact with him becuase of the children. My tears are now silent and go unheard. If i have a pound for every time someone says to me,
IT WILL GET BETTER! i could have retired by now! The trouble is most people do not really understand or know the circustances of why you find it difficult to move on.
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Indeed, i've adopted this quote.

"Do not rely on others to love you, you'll only get hurt eventually, instead learn to love your self and be happy forever"

That's my own btw

It kinda sums up where i've been going wrong all my life, I have always looked for love/affection etc etc from third parties, time to look for it from within...

Exactly, it's the learning to love myself bit that i'm struggling with, i've always hated myself LOL I know I will get there and I know there is life after love beleiving in this is another matter though.

So i am told.... i live in anticipation!
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ooo wouldn't trust you as far as i could throw you in that case lmao

hi back to the main subject.

after splitting up with my girlfreind after 3 years we have fallen out pretty bad, i find it hard to be freinds because every time i see her i want her back etc etc sadly we have to avoid eachother and go in different pubs clubs.

Really does suck but its for the best i think, down the line when we are both fully over it mayb we could find it easier to become freinds. she was my first real love but i messed the relationship up even though i loved her so much i made the same mistake a few times (not cheating i wud never do that) so i say to myself was i in love or not? was it becoz i was used to having her about all the time?? etc the first year with her was amazing then it started to get worse and it was all my fault and now i feel bad because i lost something truly amazing down to my stupidity and didnt realize it untill its over how much i really cared for her and love her, its been a few months now and i feel a bit better now ,hope theres more girls like that to come the next one i will hold on to with everything i got.

sorry for the sob story lol