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Home >> Love & Relationships >> Being messed about.....
18.02.2008, 22:17 quote
I've even waited out in the cold and rain for 1 1/2 hours because I knew they were coming from a long way 
and there could have been hold ups........I might be a bit of a fool really, but I'm a reliable person so if I say I'm gona be somewhere, I will be there.
It's affecting how I am with people now, 'cos I'm trying to find out how interested they are in me before I waste too much time messaging and chatting to them. I'm just fed up with all the dialogue that leads nowhere , fed up with being just a fantasy older woman too. 
19.02.2008, 10:14 quote
| myriad wrote: |
| I've even waited out in the cold and rain for 1 1/2 hours because I knew they were coming from a long way |
I think the technical term for that is ‘stood up’ rather than ‘messed about’. I always go to meet a new date with a backup plan in mind, so the day isn’t completely wasted if they either don’t turn up or we part ways fairly quickly. I guess I’ve been lucky, the former has never happened (yet) and the latter only once (so far).
Hmm, seems like the general feeling from the girls so far is that after chatting to someone who appears to have the similar goals, aims and expectations from a relationship, and then meeting them (perhaps even only once!), and the other person then says they’re not interested, they feel they’ve been ‘messed about’?
I suppose a reality check might include: that person hasn’t changed their mind (or lied), they still want those things – they just don’t want it with you.
I bet every woman who feels they’ve been messed about like that has done a similar thing to a guy at some point in their life, and if they say they haven’t they’re probably lying. Everybody has turned someone down at some point in their life, otherwise we wouldn’t be single now, would we?
Of course, the argument against that is going to be it was ALWAYS the other persons fault
(That’s another thread in the making, why do people who have a string of failed relationships or dates always say it’s the other persons fault; the only constant in those failed relationships is the person doing all the whining).
Rules of engagement:
a) don’t have any expectations. Just because someone has the same outlook on life and relationships and what they want out of it doesn’t mean that when they meet you that they want to share it with you
b) don’t make, or expect, any promises that can’t be kept. In fact, for the first few meetings, don’t make any promises at all!
c) Everybody has a different time scale for what they want to achieve in a new relationship. It’s almost a foregone conclusion that the person you’re seeing has a different time scale, don’t push things at your pace, the word ‘compromise’ springs to mind. Vaguely related to compromise, perhaps a good thing to bear in mind is that it is easy to do things that you want to do for someone else, not so easy to do the things that the other person might actually like you to do for them.
d) Sex during the first 2 weeks of a new ‘relationship’ isn’t a binding seal on a contract you know! It’s just another way of finding out a bit more about your potential with that person.
e) Don’t believe anything anyone says during post-coital stage of above during that period, that way you won’t get hurt. If someone says nice things, treat it as an ego boost rather than a commitment, until the relationship reaches a point where it does look like it is going somewhere.
f) If someone says “I’ll see you/call next weekend (or whenever)” after the first date/phone chat, don’t bombard them with texts, phone calls and emails during that week – whilst it might seem like an innocuous way of showing that you’re keen what it actually says it that you might be emotionally needy (or God forbid, desperate) – scary!! (And never, ever send a text 10 minutes after the last one, saying ‘why didn’t you answer my last text’ – that’s just another nail in the coffin……)
Here endeth todays sermon.......
19.02.2008, 12:48 quote
| darkhorse57 wrote: | ||||
But. that's the whole point, everone seems to have their own definition of what being messed about is. Take Ann-Marie's example
To me, that is not being messed about. It takes time to work out whether someone is right for you. A few weeks is quite a short exploratory period (sometimes it takes months and months to really know that someone is right for you). Personally, I've met a few women with whom I got along really well with, but as time went on, I found myself disliking more things about them than I liked. On the whole, I would tend to be honest about why I don't want to see them (or see them again), but if I felt that my reasons would hurt their feelings, or perhaps even demoralise them (especially if they have 'issues'), then I might be tempted to just say something like 'we're not right for each other' and leave it at that. |
I totally agree with what your saying Stu .............but that's on the presumption that the person is honest about things from the start ........ what i meant was when you have met up with a guy a few times ......... tells you he really likes ....... start talking about things in the future etc .......... tells you is falling for you ............ then suddenly changes his mind ........ i think its called, them telling you what they think you want to hear .......... when really all everyone wants is honesty ...........
But i think the older you get the wiser you get and take such comments with a pinch of salt ........... until you are sure they actually mean what they say .......... like you say a couple of months down the line ........ 
19.02.2008, 12:54 quote
| annmarie5988 wrote: |
|
I totally agree with what your saying Stu ............. |
That's a first then
| annmarie5988 wrote: |
|
........ them telling you what they think you want to hear .......... |
That is just a waste of everyone's time, and I agree with you on that point. 100%. As soon as I pick up that someone is doing that to me, I'm off into the sunset on my white stallion looking for a more suitable damsel to rescue
19.02.2008, 14:02 quote
Yes, I do think being 'stood up' is being messed about, and as Darkhorse suggests too, I always have a back-up plan so my time is not completely wasted.
I think my gripe is more about how to tell the men who just love the whole on-line thingy, flirting, cam, messaging, phone and so on from those who are wanting to meet for real.
So for me, some of the messing around, is about all the other things I've just listed and them having no real intentions of wanting to meet. I think I deserve honesty in the same way that I am honest.
04.03.2008, 00:00 quote
My idea of being messed about is when someone says there gonna meet you somewhere and turn up late or change the plans when you have already set off. Or cancel an hour before your due to meet but promise to meet you the next night and then cancel that too. Worst kind of messing about is when they cancel and you, you go out anyway and then you see them in the pub playing on a fruit machine or something nasty like that. Haven't had that happen to me because im not into people that spend all night on the things but it was funny seeing some guy have a strip torn off him because of that exact "messing about".
15.03.2008, 11:05 quote
The term being messed about!
Well having had experience of this phenomenon, it is easy to explain!
Dishonesty!!!!! I always appresiate honesty even if it is shocking!!
Is there such a man as an honest one? I do not mean the type that doesn't talk to you. It is easy to be honest when you do not talk!!!
I really do not think that there is such a thing as an honest man!!!!
Cynical perhaps???
15.03.2008, 11:47 quote
| annmarie5988 wrote: |
| My interpretation of being 'messed about', is when youd o the whole chatting to someone ......... arranged to meet up ........... you get on great .......... they say all the right things ......... then suddenly decide they dont actually like you that much after all ........... or maybe that should just be called being lied to .......... but your right Stuart, it's definately a man thing
|
I would disagree about it being 'a man thing' as I agree with both Stu and Scottie. Ending something when all seems to be going well is being honest in my opinion. As long the person is upfront and explains that as much fun as its been the other person isn't 'the right one', then that's fine by me. It hurts if you're the one thats been turned down I'll not deny it, but far better than to have it be dragged out until it gets messy.
15.03.2008, 17:44 quote
| redelicious wrote: | ||
I would disagree about it being 'a man thing' as I agree with both Stu and Scottie. Ending something when all seems to be going well is being honest in my opinion. As long the person is upfront and explains that as much fun as its been the other person isn't 'the right one', then that's fine by me. It hurts if you're the one thats been turned down I'll not deny it, but far better than to have it be dragged out until it gets messy. |
I've been messed about plenty of times so it's definitely not a man thing.
15.03.2008, 23:15 quote
It's happened again! confirmed last night, " I'll send you a text when I'm on the train, I'm coming" then this evening I'm all dressed up ready to go out to dinner, having starved myself all day, then no call 
not even to tell me my date couldn't make it. Grrrr
16.03.2008, 01:15 quote
You are not dating my son are you Myriad? That;s him alright, I'd be sat at the railway station and he'd forget to tell me he'd met a mate and went down the pub instead.....haha!!
16.03.2008, 01:22 quote
| lilacrose wrote: |
| You are not dating my son are you Myriad? That;s him alright, I'd be sat at the railway station and he'd forget to tell me he'd met a mate and went down the pub instead.....haha!! |
I've got a son like that too!
I would like to know the reason for my guy not turning up, even if he lost his nerve, I just hate not knowing. I think there's too many people that just like the chase.
21.03.2008, 02:21 quote
| Quote: |
| These days i tend to try and give the behavior i receive, if they turn out to be inconsiderate, i just don't bother, if they want to interpret that as being messed about....so what? last time i checked consideration didn't cost nothing. |
spot on
21.03.2008, 09:31 quote
| myriad wrote: | ||
I've got a son like that too! I would like to know the reason for my guy not turning up, even if he lost his nerve, I just hate not knowing. I think there's too many people that just like the chase. |
Then this guy deleted me from their 'friends' list on the site we met on as well......
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