(I will admit, the reason I am no longer a writer is because I write my best material when I am cheesed off. This writing doesn't require a rebuttal or a statement that says "But I'M not like that!!!!" or give me a long involved statement why women are just as bad - I KNOW all that already, but there was still a reason I wrote this, and it wasn't just all in my head. Switch personal pronouns around if it's really that bloody important to you. Just enjoy its vitriol for its own, dark, satirical sake - or not as the case may be)



After yet ANOTHER "thank you for taking me to that higher place, Miss, now I'm going back to my girlfriend" sort of thing, I've decided I need to offer this as a service.

I am now a Professional Rebound Artist.

Yes, ladies and gentleman (but mostly gentlemen) I am now free for all your "explorations of sexuality" and "experimentations". For a small donation-that-isn't-a-donation, you can have yours truly as your professional rebound artist. Promise the moon and stars! Explore everything you ever wanted to do with your girlfriend/lover/wife but for some reason felt was impossible because she had "let herself go" or any of the other hundreds of reasons men dump women to go and try and find out of the grass really IS greener! Yes, all this touch and creativity can be yours - to use as you see fit! Then, after your exploration is complete, you will be free to look back over your shoulder at the woman you dumped, who finally realised who she was and BLOOMED while not under your shadow. Scamper back as quickly as you can to her and show her all the tips and tricks you learned from an expert, without having to live up to any of the promises you made during the "heat of the moment". Completely no obligation or "strings" guaranteed. After all, I'm a professional, not a living breathing entity in my own right.

What do you think, is there a market? Hm, granted, there are all these women here who could act as a rebound artist for free, who don't even know they're rebound artists, and blokes wouldn't have to pay a THING for the pleasure, so maybe I'm pricing myself out of the market a bit.

So...right, how about dinner by candlelight and a few drinks? Hm, no wait, that would imply they actually cared, and we know what we're looking at here is a business transaction. Want to see a man laugh hysterically, ask for something in return. Hm, presents? Well that would mean of course all the sexy clothing they actually want you to wear because it suits their fantasy, which they can carefully disguise with a "I thought this would look great on YOU, darling." Granted, none of it would fit. Still, might be worth a go - after all, they'll ask for the clothes back once they're done anyway!

What have I forgotten? Oh yes - eye contact. As in, don't do it. Ever. Eye contact means there's that connectivity between two people, and that's not what we're on about here - we're all about rubbing together the bits, any soul-to-soul calling will just enforce panic.

And agree to everything. That's important! Everything must turn you on - no limits, ever. Not even common sense - if the bloke wants to come over to your house right this moment, then you must naturally agree. If he consistently can't make it to appointments. Carefully crafted excuses which are obviously excuses should be taken at face value. Yes, I KNOW you're really out shagging someone else who answered your ad, but it gives a sense of security and control of this "exploration" for me to say it's perfectly all right that your car broke down or you've got a business meeting or your cat is at the vets.

I think that's got me covered now. All that's left is for me to pull my heart out by the roots and lock it in a lead-lined box so no one hears it beating or realises it's alive (and to protect it from the acidic, decaying properties of being in the company of so much selfishness) and I'm in business!

Come - no, wait, have to spell that in a cheesy way in order for people to believe I'm serious - CUM see your Professional Rebound Artist today!!!

Likewise! This is why I'm off the market. Got tired of it.