Is it just me or do we always need our child's approval of the guy you are dating. And if they do not like him you just give up?????

As someone who was married with stepchildren I can't stress enough the importance of making sure the relationship between your children and your partner is solid and not a cause of tension.

Remember that if the child has not gone through adolescence yet then things will probably only get worse when he or she becomes a teenager.

My advice is try to get the three of you to do things together that you couldn't do without him. Give yourselves time to gel as a group and try to see if you can get the group dynamics working.

Otherwise it is wiser to seriously consider breaking up now.

Good advise there

I'm a single father. My daughter lives with me, so I have a similar problem when going out with anyone.

I view is that, in a way, anyone dating me is dating the two of us.

Not all relationships get off on the right note, so give it a chance and see if things get better. It also depends on where the issue comes up... who doesn't like who?
If your date doesn't like your child, then dump them. If your child doesn't like your date, it could be anything from him seeming intimidating (adult male in their zone) or jealousy (mommy is too busy loving someone else now).

I wouldn't however, keep up a relationship just because my daughter gets along nicely with someone but I don't.

I think you got it spot on, Chatt3r.

I am going to stick my neck out and also admit that I have in the past used my pets as a guide. If one of my cats or dogs took an instant dislike to a guy, warning flags were on full alert, and he didnt last long!

(I believe animals and small children are good judges of people's hidden personalities, I trust their instincts).

Now my kids are 16 and 20 (my older lad is about to get married) it is still vital that a prospective guy gets on well with them. I respect their point of view, and being both boys coming up to adulthood and quite mature now, they are often more canny about men than I am!

I understand what you guys are trying to say, but should I not like the guy first??????? Yes it is important that my son like the people that i go out with and he is very important to me and off course he is number one in my life.

But what if he is just jealousy and is being just spit full so that the date does not like him and i dump him, because of that???? Is that fair towards the person I am dating (trying to date)

Very confused...........

I suggest you re-read chatt3r's post again. I believe he has some very good points re:the child's issues on this.
Depending on your child's age and understanding/maturity, it might be best for you to have a chat with your child and tell him that you understand (or at least try to) his feelings eg jealous of you giving your attention to someone else, feeling intimidated etc.
When a single parent meets someone new, a child often feels threatened that they are going to 'lose' that parent, especially if say the absent parent already mett someone new, got new children and does not give this child the attention and love they once knew -- there are so many issues surrounding this, but you just need to bear in mind that your child's feelings may well be - from *your own* point of view - unfounded or trivial but from your child's point of view his feelings are very valid and important and you need to try to respect that.
What you dont want is to let the child dictate your personal life else he will learn how to "get rid" and you will end up joined at the hip with said child and partnerless.
That can work the other way round too - I know a man who now in his 40s and never had a long term relationship because his mother has seen them all off sharpish - and no he doesnt even live with her!
Dont forget too - particularly younger children, they often 'sound out' a new adult to see where the boundaries are - does your child have a good relationship with his own father? Is he just sounding out your new boyfriend to see if he's someone who is going to set boundaries and rules? Being provocative is not always a sign of lack of respect or dislike/unacceptance, sometimes its just a case of "If I act in a certain way, will he tell me off, or let me get away with it, will mum let me get away with it just to make herself look good in front of him, or will she show *him* who is boss around here by telling me off herself?"

Thanks........
I hope I can get through this. Being a sinlge mom I though was hard work, but dating as a single mom is even harder.

Just you wait til your child is old enough to find a partner for themself. Then it goes the other way round - "Help, I cant stand my child's new partner, how do I cope?"
And he'll be on another web forum saying "My mum and g'f dont get on, how do I cope?"

My eldest son is getting married in 3 weeks and luckily I love his fiancee to bits, but his last g/f........jeeez, had me reaching for the valium that one!

I wish you the best for the wedding and the every after................

My son is only 5 so I have still a long way to go before I get to that day.......... thank goodness.......

Hope it all turns out for the best! Good luck

Of course you have to have your child's approval, I don't mean a child being jealous etc, that can be worked on, but not actually liking the person you are with. Being a parent is the most important job you have in this world and making sure they are happy in life especially growing up is so so important. When you bring a child into the world you become second, they should always come first.

You must not understand me wrong. My son does come first in my life. And there is no way that he will ever become second. It is just hard dating as a single mom.

Firstly let me say that I hate divorce,as does God,but when we have been part of one,what do we do??
It is not a matter of first or second etc...
How can it be left to a child to make a choice as to what is right for their parent??
How many times have we, as adults,made poor judgement of people...because we have not taken time to know them??
Because of the guilt we carry,we spoil our child,to offset our guilt.Forgetting to correctly dicipline our little ones.Let them be children while we take adult responsability for our family.
God bless you all...

I think a good ice breaker would be to do things that involve the child as well and not just see each other while a babysitter looks after the child. It would make the child feel as though they are gaining a parent instead of losing the only full time one they have.

For the one entering into the relationship, sometimes a bit of bribery works. Going on an outing to some theme park or something similar where the child can have fun as well could gain their approval. This is especially true if the parent can't normally do it for whatever reason, transport or cost etc. The child starts to warm to you because you bring a little more fun for them. This is also true with jealousy, playing with the kids instead of just cuddling in the corner while the kids do their own thing makes them realise that they won't be losing out on the attention so much.

As for getting along, it's really hard for any relationship to work if one or more of the kids don't like you. I've been in one like that and it was a constant battle with the kids constantly playing me off against my partner and deliberately causing rows. They were her kids and I was effectively the outsider so I was always the one in the wrong, even when the kids were obviously lying in order to cause a row. That relationship went sour very quickly so sometimes, putting your kids first can be the cause of the problems if they just don't like your partner.

I was 12 when my mum started dating someone else. I couldn't stand him so I kept out of the way a lot when he was around, going out with my friends and disappearing for long bike rides etc. There was something about him that just irritated me but it was nothing to do with my relationship with my mother, it was just a clash of personalities. I just made sure I wasn't around when he came out of respect for my mum.