ok, so this might turn into a bit of a rant, consider yourself warned...

First off, My ex and i split up aprox 2 weeks before she found out she was pregnant and we discussed the possibilities of us getting back together and MUTUALLY agree'd that it wouldn't happen straight away but maybe over time we could work things out and try again.

That didn't happen. At the time i was living in plymouth and only 3 miles away from where she lived, so once my son was born i would pop round to see him at every available chance going. Soon after my son was born, he was admitted to hospital for being underweight and it transpired that his mum wasn't waking up to feed him during the night etc and so he ended up staying in for nearly 3 weeks till they were satisfied that he was feeding properly and gaining weight etc.

It was at that point that his mum and i further discussed the chances of us getting back together ( i stayed at his bedside for the hole 3 weeks ) and it was pretty obvious that no matter how hard we tried, we just weren't as suited as we once thought we were.

anywho, after he was released, i got a job etc and so i wasn't available to run to her house every time she wanted something and that's when her attitude towards me seeing him changed. She would only let me take him on nights that she wanted to go out with her friends etc. I was semi happy with it at the time, as i was working 6 days a week to keep the CSA happy. After a while the visits became more and more spaced out, like once every 2 or 3 months. he's now 2 1/2 and i think i've maybe spent about 6 months total time with him.

she soon found herself another chap and became pregnant by him within mere weeks of meeting him, she now has a daughter too who was born at the end of last year

Last June, i decided that it would be in 'both' of our best interests for me to move away from plymouth as i could get better paid jobs elsewhere and now, typically, she wants me to have him like, every weekend - which is fine by me - a bit of a mission driving 300 miles, but not a problem purely for the point of spending time with him.

Now, on the 11'th of this month, i went to plymouth for 6 days, i told her this and that i would gladly take him off her hands for the hole time, or even bring him back here to see my parents and other family members only to be confronted with basicly a go f**k yourself. All the months upto now she's been asking me to take him for a week or two or even longer and then when i get the opportunity to actually do so, she says no. in the hole 6 days i was down there, she allowed me to spend 3 hours with him - on the day that we were coming back to essex.

I'm actually contemplating going for custody of him as i seriously feel that he would be better off living with me, i am very concerned about his development - he's 2 1/2 and he doesn't talk as much as my 1 1/2 yr old nephew, which to me is not right and also the fact that all 4 of them live in a 1 bed flat is also a worry too.

so, what do you think...should i go for custody on the off chance that the judge will see things from my point of view, or do you think i'd be wasting my time and should just put up and shut up
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Stu I think you have a good case but saying that they always seem to go with the mother for some unknown reason which in my eyes is not always the best......perhaps it would be best to get some legal advice on this & then see if its worth trying to get custody...if it was me that was the judge I would let you as you seem to be so sensible & a really loving father, wish there were more out there like you.......good luck if you do persue it & well done for posting this it cant have been easy for you xx
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There's always the 'joint custody' route (parental sharing) Stu..like LV says go seek some professional advice..from what your story consists of..you stand a good enough chance..Good Luck in whatever you decide to do x

the option of legal advise brings me to a new question...

do i save up and get the biggest badass lawyer i can find to take on the case...or do i speak to the citizens advice first just to see if they think it'd go anywhere,

to be honest, i'd give everything i own for custody of him, but somehow i just don't think the justice system in this country will take a fathers story into account
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In the past i've acted as a kind of support worker to men who have left the family home and want custody of their kids.
Been a couple of years, so i cant tell you what the law is, i'm not a legal advisor. But i can tell you what i have noticed.
The judge wont automatically think the child should be with the mother. It does sometimes look like that, but its really a case of The child is best off staying where he is, and that is often with mum from the outset. Unless you can prove otherwise.
The judge is not interested in who wants what, he's just interested in what's best for the child's welfare.especially when the child is too young to have a say in the matter.
If you want custody of your child, you need to show the judge VERY clear reasons. No waffle, no arguing the toss, just very black and white "I can do a better job of bringing up the boy because........."
My advice is keep a concise diary of ALL contact, attempts at contact etc. And be honest. If you told your ex you'd be round at 10am to collect your son and you turned up at 10.30am say so. Explain why.
If your ex said you could have your boy for a week, then when you asked she said no, you need to be clear if she was being unreasonable, and it wasnt a case of you springing your offer on her at the last minute because it happened to be convenient to you.
Most importantly, get yourself a friend who can be supportive every step of the way. You CAN do it without a solicitor, but if you are unsure of the legal system and dont know your way around legal documents and the courthouse, do get a solicitor. If you are on a low income, ask about legal aid.
In custody cases, all the judge is interested in seeing is who can bring the child up best, with the child's welfare being paramount.
Have you thought it through?
How will you provide for your son financially? Will you keep working and leave him in the care of childminders all day, every day? Is his mum currently a stay-at-home-mum?
Can you prove that you are capable of coping when he gets sick etc?
Sorry if that all sounds a bit harsh or negative, its not meant to be.
I wish you success, it is obvious that you really love him and want a chance of being a full-time Dad, and I hope things work out for you.

Have you thought it through?

Several million times by now

How will you provide for your son financially? Will you keep working and leave him in the care of childminders all day, every day?

He would go to a 'play' group, to help him learn social interaction skills, and while he was there i'd be working part time to provide an income

Is his mum currently a stay-at-home-mum?

yup

Can you prove that you are capable of coping when he gets sick etc?

Lol definately.. why do you think he was admited to hospital in the first place, i've been around enough children to know when something isn't right and it was MY gp that told me to take him to the hospital after his mums GP had said that he was fine..

Sorry if that all sounds a bit harsh or negative, its not meant to be.

Sometimes a swift kick in the arse makes you think about things more clearly, so thanks
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If i were u Stu - i WOULD go for custody of the little boy - u deserve him just as much as your ex does
The judge shouldnt automatically think you are not capable of looking after him coz your are male, this wouldnt be fair at all.

They have to look at ALL point and consider it throughout - see who would be best off for him, can provide, give him love and care etc etc
Soo just try your best and you should never give up hope - all u can do is try your hardest and see where it gets you
If you think hes better off with u - all the more reason to fight the courts for him.

And i wish you the best of luck too *hugs*

xxxx

Honestly, the courts *don't* take the attitude "the child's best off with the mum". Its just that because very often the child starts out with mum, its the dad that ends up being the one to 'fight for custody' - as opposed to "mum's already got custody".
And Stu, you didnt need to answer my questions here, it was just some stuff to ponder.
Dont forget, keep a running record of EVERYTHING, dates, times, who said what etc. And get yourself a Court Buddy!
Best of luck!! x

Hi Stu...
You really cannot go wrong applying to the courts for shared care order.
At least this way you will have structured quality time with your son, unlike what appears to be speradic time controled by your ex.
The courts will look at whats best for your son, the thing to remember is that no parent has the right to contact its the chid who has the right to see both parents that they take into account now when making judgements.
The main aim of the courts is to try to get the parents to agree contact orders that are then enforced by an order made by the courts, they will only as a last resort make an order that is not agreed by both parents as they feel this will add to the already strained relationships that appear in front of them.
I have just been through a lengthy court battle myself but now I am out the otherside I know when my ex sees our son and I can adjust his needs around our compromised dates.
All children need stabiity and it sounds to me like this is what your offering so go for it and remember men are given an equal chance in courts nowerdays !!!
Hope all goes well for you
Jo