My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating."Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating, " her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs, " her father answered. So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden!"

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/553/Learn+Chinese%2C+Easy%21

2 fish in a tank
1 say 2 the other how do u drive this thing ???

A vicar and his curate are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, the vicar wakes up the curate and says to him, “Look up there, and tell me what you see.” The curate looks up, and replies, “I see stars. Many stars.” The vicar asks, “And what does this tell you?” The curate thinks for a moment, then replies, “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are many millions of galaxies out there. Astrologically, it tells me that Jupiter is in Aries.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a fine day tomorrow. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and mankind is insignificant.”

He pauses for a moment, then turns to his companion and says, “What does it tell you?” The vicar replies, “Well, it tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”