Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much,it
scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'What's your mum
like?' Little girl replies "Big cocks and vodka".

A couple in a restaurant in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for
us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?'
The waitress leaned over and said ....... 'Burrr gurrr kiing'.

The boss has to lay off Ann or jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's
'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....
'You'd better jack off, I've got a headache'

this ones probably gonna get me slated but hey what the hell:

Paul McCartney poem-:
We lay upon the grassy bank,
My hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river!

LOL
The test results joke is so funny.. Keep all jokes comming.. Liked most of them

A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.

One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"

The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"

The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.

"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman

"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were jokeing then were you?"

Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"

Two ducks in a pond. One duck says quack, The other duck says You b@stard, I was going to say that.