Keepitcoming!!

An horrific F1 accident!

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the
bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, her legs slipped either way, and she did the splits, suctioning herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled.
Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've only bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll
go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it"
Cobba said "Lets try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba
"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with
her tits."
"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club.

Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.

"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"

Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna s**t. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna s**t on my bed. He say you better not s**t onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy. :bang:

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.