POLICEMAN: So Mr Ross, why did you steal the utensil from your neighbours kitchen drawer?
JONATHAN ROSS: Well Officer, I saw it as a whisk worth taking.

Two elephants fall of a cliff...
BOOM BOOM


Scotsman was found by the police with his nob in a welly.

Policeman asks him 'what the hell do you think you are doing?'

To which he replies 'I'm just fu**ing a-boot!'


A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."


I had to quit my job at the carpet company.......I wasn't rugged enough.

Blind man walks into a bar, He buy's a pint and asks the barmaid if she wants to hear a joke about the Dumb blonde?

the barmaid replies,
"I'm Blonde"
"The Female Bouncer on the door is blonde, The woman playing Pool is a 3rd dan Tae Kwon Do British Champion, She's Blonde...Do you still want to tell your Joke?"

"Na" said the Blind guy..."I cannae be bothered explaining it 3 Freakin times"


what did the policeman say to his stomach?

you're under a vest


did you hear the joke about butter?

nah you'd spread it


both utterly dreadful jokes


patient: doctor doctor i think i'm a moth

doctor: it's not a doctor you need it's a psychiatrist

patient: aye i know that - i was on the way to the psychiatrist but i saw your light on

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?

Popeye knocked f*** out of him.

did you hear about the magic tractor?

it turned into a field

Have you read the joke about the blind man with a chess playing squirrel?

No, nor has he

did you hear about the theft at the police station, the toilet got stolen!
police say they have nothing to go on.

its left a big hole in the floor, police are looking into it.

[i]What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?

Popeye knocked f*** out of him. [/i]


lmaoooooo

sooo funny i nearly choked on my water....

here are some swine flu jokes.....

my daughter woke up with pig tails in her hair.... should I be worried

i rang the NHS Swing Flu help line, but it was useless i got was crackling...

i heard you can only catch the swine flu from diseased and infected pigs...... I bet Jack Tweed is shitting himself... (Yes I know that was uncalled for)

Blonde wife calls husband: I've broken down and run out of petrol and I'm scared to fill it up.
Husband replies: You dumb B**ch it's in Mexico not Texaco..

Doctor Doctor I think Ive got Swine Flu...
No mate you dont, you just have a sty in your eye

Who said pigs can't fly? I heard a pig flu in Mexico

Unemployment is bad and now pigs? I guess people really aren't bringing home the "Bacon" no more.

A cop tried to pull me over today. I sped off. I didn't want to catch swine from the pigs

Q: Why Aussies would not die of Swine Flu? A: Cause it does not kill pigs (Sorry to anyone from Oz, i got this as a text)

They have finally found a cure 4 swine flu, its an oink-ment

How did the pig get on the roof? The swine "Flew"

haaaha

the pigtails one was the best

thanks for making me smile today guys xxx