POLICEMAN: So Mr Ross, why did you steal the utensil from your neighbours kitchen drawer?
JONATHAN ROSS: Well Officer, I saw it as a whisk worth taking.

Two elephants fall of a cliff...
BOOM BOOM


Scotsman was found by the police with his nob in a welly.

Policeman asks him 'what the hell do you think you are doing?'

To which he replies 'I'm just fu**ing a-boot!'


A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."


I had to quit my job at the carpet company.......I wasn't rugged enough.

Blind man walks into a bar, He buy's a pint and asks the barmaid if she wants to hear a joke about the Dumb blonde?

the barmaid replies,
"I'm Blonde"
"The Female Bouncer on the door is blonde, The woman playing Pool is a 3rd dan Tae Kwon Do British Champion, She's Blonde...Do you still want to tell your Joke?"

"Na" said the Blind guy..."I cannae be bothered explaining it 3 Freakin times"


what did the policeman say to his stomach?

you're under a vest


did you hear the joke about butter?

nah you'd spread it


both utterly dreadful jokes


patient: doctor doctor i think i'm a moth

doctor: it's not a doctor you need it's a psychiatrist

patient: aye i know that - i was on the way to the psychiatrist but i saw your light on

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?

Popeye knocked f*** out of him.

did you hear about the magic tractor?

it turned into a field

Have you read the joke about the blind man with a chess playing squirrel?

No, nor has he

did you hear about the theft at the police station, the toilet got stolen!
police say they have nothing to go on.

its left a big hole in the floor, police are looking into it.

[i]What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?

Popeye knocked f*** out of him. [/i]


lmaoooooo

sooo funny i nearly choked on my water....

here are some swine flu jokes.....

my daughter woke up with pig tails in her hair.... should I be worried

i rang the NHS Swing Flu help line, but it was useless i got was crackling...

i heard you can only catch the swine flu from diseased and infected pigs...... I bet Jack Tweed is shitting himself... (Yes I know that was uncalled for)

Blonde wife calls husband: I've broken down and run out of petrol and I'm scared to fill it up.
Husband replies: You dumb B**ch it's in Mexico not Texaco..

Doctor Doctor I think Ive got Swine Flu...
No mate you dont, you just have a sty in your eye

Who said pigs can't fly? I heard a pig flu in Mexico

Unemployment is bad and now pigs? I guess people really aren't bringing home the "Bacon" no more.

A cop tried to pull me over today. I sped off. I didn't want to catch swine from the pigs

Q: Why Aussies would not die of Swine Flu? A: Cause it does not kill pigs (Sorry to anyone from Oz, i got this as a text)

They have finally found a cure 4 swine flu, its an oink-ment

How did the pig get on the roof? The swine "Flew"

haaaha

the pigtails one was the best

thanks for making me smile today guys xxx

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of Muesli?

Got pulled in by a strong currant.

Primary School Joke:

Q. What's the difference between a Fire Engine and a Post Box?

A. I dunno.

Q. Then I'll never send you out to post a letter.

I'm from the States and inside my little niche of Italians, this is funny to us, but I'm not too sure if others will find it amusing or not

I guess you'd have to imagine my Italian grandpa with a NY accent telling it, lol. Regardless, it's worth a shot....

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender! Give me a shot."

Bartender fills the shot glass, hands it to the man, and the man shoots it back. The man then looks into his shirt pocket and then back to the bartender.

"Bartender! Give me another shot."

Bartender fills the shot glass, hands it to the man, and the man shoots it back. Again, the man then looks into his shirt pocket and then back to the bartender.

"Bartender! Give me one more shot."

Bartender fills the shot glass but first says to the man, "Can I aks you why you keeps lookin' inta you's pocket everytime you take a shot?!?"

Man replies, "I got a picture of my wife in there. I take a shot then look at it - When she starts to look good, I can go home."

A little gay guy is sitting in church. When it is leaving time, he puts £50 into the collection box on his way out. When the money was collected the priest was very puzzled at finding such a large amount from only one person. So he decided to find out who it was from at the next service.

The next service came, and at the end the priest calls out: "I would be most grateful to know who deposited £50 into the collection box last week" so the little gay guy raised his hand. "Please may I speak with you at the end?" the priest then said.

And so, when everyone had left, the little gay guy goes up to see the priest. "I am very grateful that you gave so much of your money to us" he said, "and so I will let you choose three hymns for next week",
"Oh thank you very much" the little gay guy said, "I'll have HIM, HIM, and HIM!!"

I WAS STANDING ON THE CORNER WAITING FOR MY BLIND DATE WHEN THIS WOMAN WALKED BY...AS SHE PASSED, I SAID, "HI, ARE YOU LINDA"? SHE SAID "ARE YOU ROBERT"?
I SAID "YES", SHE SAID "I'M NOT LINDA".

David Cameron - the UK Prime Minister - decided to take up Judaism, and so, went into hospital to be circumcised.

Whilst laid unconscious on the operating theatre table, the surgeon approaching him recognised him, stopped, and said:

"I can't do it. I just can't do it."

When the surgeon was asked why he couldn't do it, he replied:

"Because, there's just no end to this prick."

that's a cool joke.. what a dickhead the prime minister must be..