he says "i want to make you the happiest woman in the world!!"

she says "when do you leave?"

A dad was walking along the street with his young son, who was holding a pound coin. Suddenly, the boy started choking, and going blue in the face. The dad realized that the boy had swallowed the coin, started panicking, and shouted for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting in a nearby coffee bar, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the table, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, into the street.

Having reached the boy, the woman carefully took hold of his testicles and started to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds, the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the coin, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand. Having released the boy, the woman handed the coin to the father, and walked back to her seat in the coffee bar, without saying a word.

As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushed into the coffee bar to thank her, and said, "I`ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied," I am a divorce lawyer

To The Management:

Dear Sir
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:


I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I don`t get paid overtime.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

I hope you can review this request favourably
Yours Sincerely,
Willy Penis

The Management Response:
Dear Mr Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:


You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don`t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we`ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We`re sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I`m a genie, and I`ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you`ve released me,
I`m allowed to grant three wishes. I`ll give you each one wish, but if you don`t mind, I`ll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that`s great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I`d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You`ve got it, it`s the least I can do. And I`ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I`d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what`s your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I`ve been trapped in that bottle and haven`t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have love with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you`re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn`t mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I`d do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop love, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we`re both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

A man`s guide to answering women`s questions


In a recent survey men highlighted the five questions they most fear being asked by a woman as follows:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat in this?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult are that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the
truth).





Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.

Question No 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I`m sorry if I`ve been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Football
b. Golf
c. How fat you are
d. How much prettier she is than you

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question No 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order: "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include -
a. Oh Yeah, shitloads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question No 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. compared to what?
b. I wouldn`t call you fat, but you`re not exactly thin
c. A little extra weight looks good on you
d. I`ve seen fatter
e. Sorry what did you say?

Question No 4: Do you think she`s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say?

Question No 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and
a boat")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up
questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don`t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do
WOMAN: Then why wouldn`t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I`d get married again
WOMAN: You would? [with a hurtful look on her face]
MAN: [Makes audible groan]
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of
her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can`t use them; she`s left-handed
WOMAN: [Silence]
MAN: Oh Shit!

Lord
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who`s not a creep.
One who`s handsome,smart and strong,
One who`s willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won`t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won`t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens my door,
Massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask ` How big`s my behind?`
One who`ll make love till my body`s a twitchin`,
in the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the fucker you sent me instead!!!
AMEN.

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly
came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed
to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give
me the strength to cross this river." Poof ! God gave him
big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across
the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a
couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying,
"Please God, give me the strength ..and the
tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a
rowboat and he was able to row across the river in
about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a
couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the
other two, so he also prayed to God saying,
"Please God, give me the strength and the tools...
and the intelligence... to cross this river."

And poof ! God turned him into a woman. She looked
at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards,
then walked across the bridge.

**Women don`t make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

** The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you`re sick of him.

** Never trust a man who says he`s the boss at home. He probably lies
about other things too.

** The woman`s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her
husband to do.

** If you think the way to a man`s heart is through his stomach
you`re aiming too high.

** Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

** A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge
is unquestionably gay.

** Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can
tell them apart.

** Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.

** Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will
usually find that he is.

** Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of
five men -- a woman.

** There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong,
caring, loving -- they`d be wrong but you could still use them.

** Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent
-- but they make great pets.

** There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
"don`t" and "stop".

** Husbands are like children -- they`re fine if they`re someone else`s.

Fred died and wound up in Hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that Hell was now a "kinder and gentler" place.

Each person was offered three choices of torture. The devil explained that these tortures ran in a thousand year cycle and you could pick which cycle to begin with.

The Devil led Fred down the hall to where Jon was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains.

Fred told the Devil he`d "pass" on that one. They went on down the hall to where Brian was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. Fred shook his head over this one, too.

Finally, there was Joseph, strapped to the wall, naked as a jaybird.
A very gorgeous blonde woman was performing oral love upon him. Fred said,

"Yes, yes, this is where I want to start."

The Devil said, "Are you sure? This lasts for a thousand years, you know."
"Yes, I`m sure. This is the place."

"OK," said the Devil. He walked over to the blonde, tapped her on the shoulder and said,

"Your replacement`s here."

25 COOL THINGS ABOUT BEING A MAN


1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don`t give a rat`s ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work ...more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don`t have to leave the room to make
emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress £2000; Suit rental £200.

14. If you retain water, it`s in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don`t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask,
"So, notice anything different?"

19. One mood, ALL the damn time.

20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

22. You can open all your own jars.

24. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

25. You can leave the motel bed unmade


and last but not least you didn't care that there was no (23)

38 ways to dump your date without hurting thier feelings...

1. Guard your plate with forks and knives and act like you'll stab anyone who reaches for it, including the waiter.

2. Collect salt shakers from all the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower formation on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make faces at other people, and sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third word you say.

6. Read a newspaper during the meal, ignoring your date.

7. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth. Ask if he's a slayer.

8. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what he's talking about.

9. Every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched while making airplane sounds.

10. Order a bucket of grease.

11. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This is especially fun in fancy places with linen tablecloths.

12. When ordering, ask if the restaurant has any live food.

13. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more of his food than he does.

14. Drool.

15. Talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

16. Scarf down everything on your plate in thirty seconds.

17. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go to the hostess and ask for another table. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him, "What took you so long in the bathroom?"

18. Ask the people at the next table if you can taste their food.

19. Beg your date to tattoo your name on his bicep.

20. Order something nasty for your date. Act offended if he refuses to eat it.

21. Ask for a seat away from the windows where you have a good view of all exits and keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

22. Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.

23. Hum loudly in monotone.

24. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements--anything that isn't bolted down.

25. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

26. Throughout the meal, speak in Pig Latin.

27. Take a bathroom break. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on one of the chairs. Say they need airing out.

28. Bring 20 or so candles with you. During the meal, arrange them in a circle around the table. Chant.

29. Order your food by colors and textures, then sculpt.

30. Insist the waiter cut your food into tiny pieces.

31. Accuse your date of being a spy.

32. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

33. Feed imaginary friends you brought with you.

34. Better yet, feed the dolls you brought with you.

35. Shoot hoops with shrimp into his water glass.

36. Every time your date opens his mouth, interrupt and start a new conversation.

37. Burp. Score it according to Olympic standard.

38. After kissing him, explain you're doing a study on the spread of mononucleosis.

SO GIGGLING