It keeps happening because you keep allowing it to happen.

There is a saying, "You get the behavior that you tolerate". Good, bad or indifferent.
We all do it all the time. It's how relationships work.
If the behavior you are getting is not tolerable to you eg you feel used. Stop letting it happen!!
Identify it, and nip it in the bud.
If that person sulks cuz you wont let them treat you in a way you wont allow them to treat you, thus ends the relationship....one of you will walk the other way fast....or you will give in and accept said behavior, or they will start treating you in a way more acceptable to you.
The key here I feel is find out for yourself what triggers this unwanted behavior?
If you jump into bed too quickly and too eagerly, will he just want you for love?
If you flash your wallet full of £50 notes and are mega generous from day one, will he just want your money?
And so on.....

That's all well and good to have such lovely characteristics Hannah - but you are doomed to being a doormat the rest of your life if you dont balance the nicey stuff with something a bit harder - like being canny enough to know when someone's even just THINKING about taking advantage of your niceness....Kind and loving and good natured is not a positive thing if its not balanced with "knows own boundaries".
If you dont know where your own boundaries lie, you cant really blame others for overstepping them, can you? How are they meant to know when they are treading in "you're using me" territory if you dont recognise it yourself until something happens that pisses you off/hurts your feelings?
Let's face it, we ALL allow ourselves to be used if it does us no harm, doesnt hurt our feelings, doesnt interfere with your day-to-day dealings in life. Its only when that act of being used works negatively for us that we get pissed off about it.

You will be waiting til Nelson gets his eye back before you find someone who knows your boundaries when you dont know them yourself.....

Sorry if thats harsh, but its the truth as I see it.

Just makes sense to me. Prolly to no one else though!

Didnt we have a thread somewhere or was it 4 threads all by men saying the same thing, moaning that they are lovely kind nice easy going guys but all the girls use them and dump them when someone more exciting ("the BAD BOY") comes along.
The general consensus then was that they get treated that way because they - at least in their posts here - portray themselves as whimps, doormats.

Women are no different....

So you start off by letting them behave in a certain way, t'is all roses and candy, then they overstep your boundary (I am presuming you know where they lie by now after TWO violent guys?) and it ends in a row....why? Because they wont accept no for an answer and you are determined they are gonna toe the line? Thats just a battle of wills, its not respecting one another is it.
How about, he steps over your boundary, you quickly and quietly tell him to stop doing it....he challenges your authority over the right to be treated how you want to be treated....and you show him the door.
Then yes one day you will meet a lovely chap who the very first time he steps over the line and you politely let him know, he says Oooooops i am sorry it wont happen again....harmony rules.
I am yet to be convinced that you know where your boundaries lie sweetie cuz you say it always ends in arguments, thus proving you've let it go on too long and it has become an issue.
Again - if you let someone treat you in a certain way, they assume its ok to do it.
Suddenly without warning or explanation you go off on one and tell him to stop.
How is he supposed to understand Why? when yesterday you said nowt?
I dont believe for one moment that you always pick the guys with jeckyll and hyde split personalities and the bad personality only shines through after you've been with them awhile.
Sorry, but that makes no sense whatsoever.

But isnt that a good reason to have posted?
The input of others with more "life experience" surely is a step in the right direction to thinking in more depth about our own situations?
I do it all the time on here Han, AND I take note of alot of much younger people sometimes too.
Alot of it is about self-confidence, or lack of, which is summat you are the first person to say you lack alot of, I know you've mentioned it on here a few times.
So dont be despondent, dont be sorry you posted, you are doing fantastic with your diet (of which I am dead jealous!!) and dont forget that old adage:
You gotta kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince!

I am very naive in many ways and not as "streetwise" (on the net and in real life) as most!

Fireinmyheart - I doubt it is rarer, more likely fewer men are willing to admit feeling used by women, than the other way round.
Most women when moaning to their pals about HE USES ME will get "oooh poor you, the bastard"....a bloke tells his mates SHE'S USING ME, they are more likely to fall about laughing and say to him "more fool you for letting her".


Maybe someone needs to quantify what "using someone" means?
Dont we all use one another in one way or another and call it a relationship if we are using each other and both happy with what we get out of it?
Think the sugar daddy. He gets the gorgeous young girl on his arm to show off and make him feel good, she gets the mink coats and diamond necklaces.
Do they say they are using each other, or in a relationship?
The wife who's fed up with her husband's drinking, but she's afraid to be alone so she stays....isnt she using him for company - and he to get his grub cooked and his shirts ironed?
Are they using each other or in a relationship (albeit a dysfunctional one).
I think we call it "using" when we perceive it to be done by one and felt (and resented) by the other.
Those that feel used, I ask....if you are feeling used, why are you still in this dysfunctional relationship? What are *you* using the other person for? Why are you allowing it to happen?

If we admitted our own part that we play when we get used, maybe we wouldn't get used - or wouldnt feel used - in the first place?

That is why I always say to anyone asking "Why is s/he doing this to me?" I reply by asking "Why are you allowing them to do so?"

The answer lies within.

rancorx, may I ask you something?
If it had been a guy - or a girl you didnt fancy or didnt particularly want to engage in casual chat with - that had wanted help with project stuff, would you have not helped?
What happened to altruism?
At least she knew what she wanted and did not want - you were free to accept that and help, or not accept her terms and refuse to help.
That to me is not using you. She simply needed help with some work but was not interested in getting to know you better on a personal level.
In what way should she change? Only ask for help from someone who she wants to get to know better?
Sorry, no offense but I just dont see why it was a problem.

darkbucksman, that's some awesome advice!