Hi sorry if this is a long one...

I am on here seeking a bit of advice, my girlfrind of 8 years has gone off sex!!!!

Let me tell you the history (and hopefully not bore you all )

We have been together for 8 years and we have a 3 year old son (as well as 2 other boys aged 10 and 12 from her previous relationship) about 2 years ago my GF suddenly went off sex, we were down to about once every other month and she said she only did that to "releave me" and I don't know what to do now to rekindle the bedroom romance.

At my own admission I am not bad at it, I generally last for about 1 hour (and a bit of foreplay).

The bad thing is last week she told me she had never enjoyed sex since her first born son and then refused to talk about it, what can I do to help her "back into the mood" I have bought toys (Even the rabbit) spent hours with foreplay/massages and it still does not help I have a very high sex drive and have the urge to "do it" several times a day any ladies on who may have experenced this and could shed some light on what I could do to "get it on"

Its not a case of 'getting it on'. I think you need to make her feel very special without the end product being sex.
Relate always used to handle this by starting off just being naked, no touching or sex. Then on another night you can cuddle, but again no sex. And so it progresses, through gentle touching, stroking, massages until eventually (and this all depends on her not you) it results in sex.
There's no guarantees mind. And its also a good idea to have quality time without the children. Take her away for a weekend without the pressure of her having to perform.

I know this all seems to be what she wants and not you, but she is obviously not happy. Many women feel that with the pressures of family, home and work that time in the bedroom is not so important and often don't have the energy.

Its really difficult and i do feel for you both. These are just my ideas. Hope they help.

hi thank you for the reply Bex, I have tried most of your suggestions already unfortunatly.

We have had time alone, I have taken her out for meals, out clubbing and about 2 weeks ago I booked us in for relaxation weekend at a health spa.

I would not mind the lack of sex but it is the smaller things that she does not seem like doing.

Tonight is a good example

I got home from work at 5pm, when I got home her mother was at our house so I made a coffee for us all and we sat and talked, within 1/2 an hour of me getting home she went to her friends house with her mother.

I made the kids tea and sent them to be at 9 and she came in at just after 9:15 and sat on the sofa, I sat next to her and just tried to hold her hand and she pushed me away

These days even a kiss goodnight seems to much to ask.

Oh dear. Have you actually just come out and asked what the problem is. I think now is the time to say you can't keep being pushed away all the time, tell her you feel unloved cause no matter what you try and do for her it never seems to be the right thing, or enough.

She sounds as though she may be depressed?? Maybe she needs to see her GP?

Sorry i don't seem to be very helpful here. Let me know how things go.

Tried asking and got told im being stupid

As for being depressed she seems fine and happy with everyong else

You have been helpful I am just being stupid I guess by complaining about it, I will eep trying to talk and see wht happens.

No you're not being stupid, everyone wants answers when things don't seem happy. Its only natural. I always used to ask my ex husband what was wrong all the time!! Didn't get me anywhere though! lol

I hope things work out for you. Keep smiling.

Thank you for your kind words

Hiya Kintoo..

Just wondering if maybe your wifes body image as changed??..perhaps gained a little weight since the birth of your son..If she isn't feeling too good about herself, maybe she think's that you couldn't possibly find her attractive too..if that makes sense! Just a thought..

Hope it works out for you both

Can i throw me tupence in here?

Have you tried just giving her some space? I'm not saying distance yourself or anything (obviously hard to do when both of ye are trying to look after the kids etc.) maybe just not focus too much on 'the relationship' ye have. Or maybe focus more on different areas of your 'family life'. Try new things involving the kids etc. How does everyone else react with the other members of the family.

If sex is something she is not into right now i wouldn't focus on it, dont make it the be all and end all. It something that should be enjoyed by both of ye and if one of ye isn't into it, generally its not going to be great for everyone involved.

Do ye chat openly about how you both feel? not just about sex but how you are both getting on etc? It does sound like its something else is the issue and because sex is the most intimate thing a couple does then that would be the first to go. The bigger picture needs to be addressed first.

What does she want to do? How does she spend her week? Does she work? Does she want to go back and study or something? Maybe its nothing to do with you, by that i mean not your fault, maybe she just needs a change in job or something. Tell her to take up tag rugby or write a book, i dunno?

2 years is a long time for her as well, not to enjoy sex i mean, and if it is just the sex that is the issue for her then she is a trooper, seriously .... you wouldn't catch me doing something for two years that i didn't like

Although, its hard to say when we don't know the full story. If she's not happy for what ever reason then being honest, she'll need to spit it out at some stage. You could run for miles with your left foot nailed to the ground and you'll still be in the same place. She has to tell you what's going on.

Sorry I have not posted recently, not really had time.

well we had a talk and I expressed my concerns about what was happening and she did not want t talk about it and went out... , about half an hour later I got this text...

"sorry I did not want t to end this way..."

That was Wednesday, I have not seen her since, I have called work and basically said I was sick to sort the kids out and get them sorted for school.

A friend of hers came round yesterday to collect some clothes for her but she would not tell me where she was...

Shit, Kintoo. I'm really sorry to hear that. Didn't expect that at all.

So she's just walked and left the kids too?? That doesn't make a lot of sense. She must be really troubled.

sorry to hear that, hope your holding up ok
_________________
It's always times like these,
When I think of you And I wonder,
If you ever think of me?

Personally I think she has been seeing someone else and using you.It's time to move on chum,accept that you've tried your best,she doesn't want to know.
Don,t feel guilty (if you have tried your best) or ashamed.Move on and find a good natured warm hearted female who has no hang-ups or axe to grind.Brooding about it or feeling sorry for yourself doesn't do any good either.Get out there before it's to late.I played your part for years and left it to late,now I pretend every things rosie and fine,when I'm really miserable and lonely.Life's to short to keep knocking your head against a brick wall.

Oh my goodness I just read this and bawled my eyes out. And I thought I'd dealt with my own issues years ago.....thing is, your wife sounds exactly like me 12 years ago - I walked out too, leaving behind my 3 and 7 yrs old sons and hubby.
I was not seeing anyone else, just I had a breakdown and was unable to communicate why or what to anyone. I know now it had to do with alot of stuff from the past before I was even with my husband, and the birth of our second son set things off on a downward spiral.
I had years of counselling to sort my head out (and became one myself eventually).
All I can say to you is - and of course, things might well have moved on since your last post - don't automatically assume that she's been cheating - see what you can do to help (and just 'being there' without being involved might be all she requires at the mo) but the most important people right now are your kids - she is presumably getting some kind of support from her friends - your kids need you to stay stable and supportive of them cuz they are the little guys who dont and cant understand what is happening most of all.
Good luck, I wish you and all your family all the best.