How sad is this,,Ive met this guy whom iv,e fallen head over heels in love with.3 weeks ago i found out he was,nt married but was in a relationship.the way i found out was terrible.a phone call telling me that the guy i had been dating for several months had suffered a massive heart attack and died the previous evening.I was also told he was in this relationship for some time,so please do not attend the funeral or send flowers etc etc.Im not the type who would ever knowingly date a married man,and never even looked for any signs that he was involved with someone else.So im now just that other woman,im not allowed to mourn,,to mention,or to say goodbye.Im devastated by his death but us other women have no one but ourselves to blame....so to anyone thinking of being one.........you,ve been warned

What a sad story.... its a shame the people warning you off the funeral dont understand that you had NO CLUE!

Dont blame yourself.....

Such a sad sad story.... but you know what? I was the OTHER women and i was his WIFE!!! I think feeling second or even thrid best in my case is something that will take time to heal and mourn the loss.... i do and my ex is still alive! I am so sorry and i know that there are no words that will console what you feel.
Hugs xx
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xxTxx

xx Moderator xx




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Hi LadyTrace

Just read your reply and wanted to say, this sounds like all men are just out for sex, thats not always true, in my case my Wife had an affair with someone from work. I know exactly what you mean, even though they are still alive, you wonder what went wrong, how you lost there heart, it just feels like a bereavement.

In my case everything was fine, we had a good home, both had good jobs, no money problems, two wonderful children and so this came as a big shock to me, it was just like having someone taken away from me. If we had not got on so well and was always arguing I'm sure it would have come as less of a shock.

I was with my wife 17 years, she always from the day we met stressed I wouldnt get a second chance, yet she was the one to do the dirty. I can hold my hand on heart and say that I have always been 100% faithful to her and this is what I get in return. But there you have it, if you cant trust your own wife or husband, who the hell can you trust? This experience has knocked my trust in people and thats something thats going to take a hell of a long time to get over.

A short while ago a thread on affairs came up. The gist of my reply was that these things don't always happen deliberately. Some where aghast at my attitude, well this is my side of things;

My 2nd husband was the complete opposite of of my 1st, loud, friendly, seemingly outward going, generous, funny and very much the family man... on the outside. We married a year after meeting and with me 5 months pregnant with a child we had both planned and very much wanted.

We moved in together 10 days after we married and almost immediately I began to discover that he wasn't so helpful or generous with his time. It was a difficult pregnancy, my hips had popped out of place and could barely stand at times yet still i did everything (2 girls from a previous marriage to take care of also)... infact, over the next year began to realise that he was a bit of a control freak.

By the 3rd year we had had another child making 4 in total and by then I was beginning to be afraid of him. No real reason. He'd never hit me and only the occasional veiled threats of what he'd have done if I'd been a guy talking to him in the way i did ie, sticking up for myself!

By the 2nd year I had 4 children (the 2 youngest still not sleeping through the night) , 2 jobs and trying to study from home for a degree, jobs to keep our heads above water because of his continual debt.

We sold our house in the 3rd year and moved somewhere cheaper to pay off the ever increasing debt making this my girls 4th school in almost as many years. Money matters continued to get worse.

At the beginning of our 4th year together I restarted my OU studies as the pressure of doing everything on my own (he was in the Navy) put a stop to it. OU is now very internet based and being remote learners you get support from fellow students on a course site. I began talking to 'X' within the first week. We had very similar senses of humour that didn't quite fit in with the others on there and soon began giving each other study support through pm'ing. It eventually turned to chatting about all manner of things til we became friends telling each other all sorts of things we'd not even discussed with our partners, realising eventually that we were getting closer and closer.

The upshot of this story is that 'X' and i met 4 times whilst we were still with our partners but neither of us felt it right to go further til we had sorted out our lives and relationships.

3 years on I still have the odd problem, mental scars cut by my ex's words. Whose to say what is right and wrong. Even affairs born purely out of a want for just sex usually have a root in something. The trust is often lost, but if couples talk and work hard together to find out the root cause, it can sometimes be restored if both want it enough.

There is also the fact that before we cast a stone at people having affairs, do we really know all the details?

Hi Red October,

I understand where you are coming from but from my point of view as I say money was not a problem, no debt, a 5 bed detatched house (ok we had a mortgage), a caravan, a classic car which we both enjoyed club meetings.
We had a very active social life, did everthing together, not that we stopped each other from going out on our own, neither of us seemed to want it, just happy doing things together.

As we had such an active social life, when I became suspicious I told myself I was being daft, besides when would she have time? Turned out as she is a nurse she started to work her hours over 4 days instead of 5, it was on the other day whilst I was at work that she saw this guy and slept with him. She also slept with him on 4 nights whilst away on courses for work.


I've asked her time and time again why she had the affair, maybe I could forgive if I knew the reason why, all as she will tell me is, "I don't know, it's silly it was like a double life and like it wasnt really happening" she says her mind was messed up! All as I know is its my mind thats messed up now.

She has begged and begged me to have her back and still does, she never got together with this bloke after it all came out, he stayed with his wife. I do wonder if I am being too hard, but then how could I ever forgive my wife, the person I trusted most in my life, she was such a kind careing person who wouldnt hurt anyone, so how could she do this to me the very person she tells me she loves?

As I say I wish she would give me a reason, maybe then I could understand or maybe even hold my hands up if I have been unreasonable in some way, but I have gone over and over our past, I cant think of any time she was unhappy or when I have not pulled my weight and she doesnt seem capable or able of telling me why it happened.

Your right there is 2 sides to why affairs happen, I am still trying to find out my wifes reasons after 5 months, she still cant tell me even though she still wants me back. Does that mean in her case it did JUST HAPPEN?

Oh, and by the way when we met and before we got married she always said if we had a problem we should talk and sort things out, I can remember doing just that a few years ago when I was unhappy with something and yes we sorted things out, no further problems. I can also remember sat around the dinner table with my family when my brother left his wife for another woman, she even said then, he should have talked to his wife, trried to sort things out and only split if they cant sort their problems. Ironically it turns out, she had only just started her affair which went on for a further 15 months, just before the time she was lecturing us about the right and wrong way to do things.

I admire you for splitting before getting together with someone else, at least you gave your husband chance to sort things out without his mind being screwed up about thoughts of you with someone else.

My experience with a guy cheating on me is not nearly as bad as any of your experiences but i think i may know what it's like to feel at least a small fraction of the pain you went through.
I met this guy just after my 17th birthday and he seemed really sweet and genuine( something you usually look out for growing up round soldiers) Things went fine until nearly a year later when we started going through a rough patch (i suspected he was cheating) He denied all of it. Any way back to the point, we went out with a group of friends for new years eve 2005 and everything was going fine until we left one of the clubs and had to walk to the next bar.
The guy i was with got really annoyed at me ( we had to walk coz i'd given the taxi to someone who needed it more than we did) and barely spoke to me the whole journey. We got near the bar and and i stepped on some broken glass which went right through my shoe he didnt care just gave me some abuse and started pulling at my arm. I thought what he's already said and done was the end of it until actually in the club he sat across the bar from me and started chatting up another girl who may i add three hours later he left with. From your experiences you can imagine i was pretty hurt and the one of the worst bits was he couldnt remember a thing the next day.
But i think of it this way now, if He could cheat on me while i was sat there he could definitely do it when i wasnt.

what an asshole!!!

i hope you wasted no time in kicking his sorry ass to the curb girl!!!