This an actual fictional story, that I actually not fictionally wrote. You only read this if you have a really sense sense of humour, but not actually a child. Never let a child read this, ever.

Like all good tales ours starts with a once upon a time, only this time that was once, was not that long ago. In fact, it was last tuesday, around 4.17 in the afternoon. However, unlike most tales, it didn't happen far, far away. It happened on the road leading out of town, you know the one, with all the hedges next to it. And the fact that there are hedges makes perfect sense, as our tale concerns that most prickly of creatures, the humble hedgehog.
The hedgehog in question was, as in all of these tales, a very special kind of hedgehog, for he didn't have spines like any normal hedgehog. His spines were made of flame. His name was Mothra, and he was so named because his parents were really big fans of Japanese monster films, their favourite being the 1964 film Mothra vs Godzilla. Incidentally, they didn't think much of the 1992 remake Godzilla vs Mothra: The Battle for Earth, but everybody knows that purists are hard to please and the film could have been the best thing ever, they would have hated it anyway. Anyway, we are heading a little off track here, so let's get back to Mothra. Mothra, in himself was a very kindly hedgehog, he helped old hedgehog ladies across the road, picked up litter and performed abortions on under age pregnant hedgehogs, and he didn't tell their parents afterwards either. He also played lead guitar in the successful hedgehog band The B Flats. I'd like to say that this made him a rich hedgehog, and that he lived in a prime bit of hedge, but it wouldn't be true, hedgehogs aren't known for their wealth, and they can't really afford to spend much on things such as music. And one bit of hedge is as like any other bit that it really doesn't make any difference anyway. When on tour with the B flats he was the only hedgehog member of the band that completely forwent groupies, and all the little hedgehog sluts that surrounded the band. This gave him a reputation as a bit of a nice guy. He was even the only hedgehog that would dare stop and talk to Cornelius the demented Rabbit who worked in the local library, because everybody knew that Cornelius was crazy. All in all you'd think that Mothra was a very happy hedgehog, but he was hiding a very dark secret. He was a virgin, a fate that he shared with Cornelius, which was probably what endeared him, Mothra, to him, Cornelius.
You see it was at a point in his adolescent years that Mothra discovered that he had a little bit of a problem that would complicate his later love life. One night he was at home watching "Super pricks 5" by the famous Hedgehog porn direct Prickly McPrick, Mothra was having a little bit of solo fun, discovering his sexuality, it's all perfectly natural, don't worry kids. No, it won't make you blind, and God most certainly will NOT kill a kitten. He was having a rather good time, watching the leading hedgehog porn actress Susan Spinealot, when for the first time in his life he ejaculated. As well as the measurable pleasure he felt during his orgasm, he also noticed that he'd singed his bedcovers, or rather, burnt them to a crisp, as his flamed spines grew extremely hot, and became more intense at the moment of climax. He found all this rather an inconvenience, particularly explaining to his mum was had happened to his bed covers.
Ever since that dreadful experience, Mothra had been extremely careful about where he was, and what was surrounding him during masturbation and therefore he'd never dared taken a partner, because he was scared of his flare ups. Mothra had practiced, and continued to practice for the whole time since that day to keep his flaming under control whenever he climaxed, and he was almost sure that these days there really wasn't any noticable difference in his firey spines at all. But he was still too scared to take any hedgehog groupies back to the hedgetel.
One day, last Tuesday, Mothra was in his hometown, and he was strolling through the hedgerow, not really looking where he was going when he bumped in Jawanda, a Hedgehog lady (there's no official name for a female hedgehog) that he'd always had a crush on at school. In fact, it wasn't just Mothra that had a crush on her, it was all the young boars. She had the sexiest spines that any of them had ever seen. Still, as popular as Jawanda was, it was rumoured that she'd never given it up, and in fact, nobody could ever say that they'd seen her out on a date, or ever alone with any boar. There was a rumour going around that she'd decided to go off and became a nun, and that she was saving herself for Jesus. In fact, Jawanda had a rather low opinion of herself, and she only thought that men ever asked her out for a joke. It has to be said that that was true, however, all the boars thought she was a fox, though not literally obviously, and wanted to feel her spines more than anything else. It should also be noted that men don't realise that Hedgehogs can speak, so none of theose that ever asked Jawanda out ever expected a reply anyway.
"Sorry. I hope I didn't burn you" he said. Then realising who it was he'd bumped into he continued "Oh, hello Jawanda."
"Hello there, Mothra" Jawanda said shyly "You didn't burn me, don't worry about it."
"Is everything ok?" Mothra asked, trying to make polite conversation.
"Oh, yes, everything's fine" Jawanda replied, the height of her conversational repertoirre astounding any accidental eavesdroppers passing by.
"Oh, good." came the next part of this most intellectual exchange. "Want to get some bread and milk with me?"
As much as Jawanda had a low opinion of herself, it seemed pretty clear to her that Mothra was genuinely asking her to accompany him somewhere, and it was well known that he liked everybody, no matter what, but she didn't think that he'd intimated a romantic tryst. In fact, Mothra hadn't meant his invitation to be romantic, he just felt like a bit of company, and he'd always found Jawandas point blank refusal to marry anything a real bonus point. He always felt that it took the pressure off him, and that he would not have to worry about her trying to get him into bed, as all the other hedgehog sluts he encountered would.
They strolled along the hedges together, taking in the sites, visiting the Oak tree and the slightly greener patch of grass of the other side of the stream (and yex, it really was greener,) then they went to the local hedgehog sanctuary where they ate some cat food, before taking a gentle stroll to the local housing estate to get bread and milk. The day was going rather well, and both were enjoying themselves immensely when they decided that Jawanda should be getting back to her hedge. Mothra walked her home, though they took the scenic route, and when they got outside, somehow they found themselves kissing. Things became heated pretty quickly, not least because of mothras flames, but he quickly got them under control again, and they took things into the hedge. As soon as they got inside Mothra mounted Jawanda and started pounding away, completely suprised at how good it was, and surprised at himself that he had managed to stay celebate all these years. Lost in happiness and pleasure, Mothra forgot himself, and when he climaxed he didn't bother keeping his flames down and he burnt Jawanda to a crisp.

The End
_________________
Vidi Vici Veni

I got in touch with my feminine side. She emailed me back saying if I ever contacted her again she'd call the police.

*sniff*

Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. And sad, unutterably sad. Poor Mothra, the Icarus of the hedgehog world.

I fucked a hedgepig once (an unattractive woman in a hedge) and my prickle burnt like magma for weeks after. Mothra, I salute you and your flaming spines of erotic doom.

This is a true story, right?
And you know where this hedgehog lives, right?
So I think you should report it forthwith!

Coz it's obviously a health and safety hazard.
This hedgehog could burn down most of Essex!
(What do you mean, 'Good!' )
Plus any investigation by the Fire Service will lead to endless speculation about hedgehog spontaneous combustion.
Then the involvement of the Wildlife Trust and the campaign, with the banners, 'Save the Flaming Hedgehog'.

Mmmmm... Crispy Hedgehog!

Mrs Tiggy-Winkle gets a roasting.
(Old favourites updated for the the more knowing tenties! )
_________________
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
(Jack Benny)

Just a quick update...
I'm working on a asbestos jacket!
An it's gonna to be asbestos I can make it!
_________________
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
(Jack Benny)

Grant, any chance of a sequel?

Perhaps something with Jawanda coming back from the grave wreaking havoc. Maybe Mothra could become an arsonist/firefighter. He sets things alight at the moment of climax and immediately puts the flames out with a stream of hedgehog cum.

A sequel is in the making, but I think it may have been leaked. Handsel has listed a couple of themes of the opening paragraph in his first post!

Anyways, just for a taster, it's called Mothra the Flame Spined Hedgehog and the Unfortunate Cover Version, and it's about him going on tour with his band.
_________________
Vidi Vici Veni

I got in touch with my feminine side. She emailed me back saying if I ever contacted her again she'd call the police.

I haven't seen any posters for the tour?
Will Flaming Mothra and The Prickles make it up to the Midlands?
BTW - Did they get the single cut?
(Immolation or love? Heaven's above!)
_________________
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
(Jack Benny)