Memoirs of a Failure!

On 01/01/08 I looked at some old postcards my mum gave me.
Found one from cousin Sarah to my sister Helen saying “Congratulations on the fantastic results of your exams, still have our fingers crossed for Alice!” ???!!!???
My sister Helen took her A’levels at the same time that I took my O’levels. We both got our results the same day.
The postman arrived about 6.30am and mum came into my room, put my letter on my bedside table and rushing to Helen’s bedroom she said,”Come on, we’ve all got to be together when she opens it.”
I was genuinely excited for Helen, her results meant to which university she would go.
We were all so happy for her, but no one ever did ask me about my results.
I opened my letter that night, alone in bed.
No wonder Sarah thought I’d not heard yet!
Before our exams, dad sent Helen a big “Good luck” card – and me a note saying, “No one will mind if you don’t get any O’levels, Helen is going to university so it won’t matter.”
Then afterwards, dad sent Helen a big congratulations card and a cheque for £100 – he never did mention, or ask about, my exams...until about 3 weeks after I found Sarah’s old postcard (around early Feb. this year) on the phone talking with dad about something or other, and he said, “It doesn’t matter if a person leaves school with no qualifications – you Alice did ok with bugger all.”
Then later on the phone I mentioned to him that East was doing some homework and he said, “He’ll be the first grandchild to make any effort then.”
I wanted to scream at him, “Since when did you know or ask about how hard Steve tried and how well he did in school and college??!!”
When I took my History O’level, about 5 minutes into the exam my friend Jane, who was using an old fashioned ink pen, she squirted herself with ink in her face and I started to laugh. The adjudicating teacher said to me, “Silence, or you will be failed.”
I thought “WTF am I doing here???? No one will know or give a damn if I pass or fail.”
So I walked out, never to return.
I was still only 15 years old.
I burnt every scrap of paper and books.
Before I took my O’levels I was expected to pass all 8 – I got 4, on account that I never sat History or Geography and I made no real effort in the others. I simply couldn’t see the point.
No one ever asked me what I was going to do afterwards. There was none of this ‘careers advice’ at school, and no one at home cared less.
I would have liked to have stayed on and taken A’levels and gone to university – I knew I was clever enough – but my dad had made it clear to me that as he was paying the school fees once Helen took her A’levels (at the same time as I took my O’s) he was finished paying for our education and he expected me to ‘get a job and look after your old ma.’
Funnily enough, the only person who showed any interest in my education was my mum’s then partner Alan. He pushed me to go to college, when I went to the college I wanted to choose the course that offered a qualification restoring church windows but there were not enough people interested so the course was cancelled and I simply signed up for the first one offered instead, a secretarial course.
I hated it and left before the end.
My dad didn’t even know I was at college, let alone left early, as he never once asked me what I was doing. Or my sisters, or any other family.
Alan and my mum were so angry with me, my mum accused me of thinking I could sit on my bum and sponge off her the rest of my life, Alan was upset that I was throwing away a chance to make something of myself...I remember crying and saying “But I don’t want to be a secretary the rest of my life. What about what I want? Why doesn’t anybody care about me?”
Years later, my mum was retelling this story in her own words, her own fabricated memory, and she misquoted me saying in a feeble little voice,”I gotta be meeeee!!!” and laughing at me for being so pathetic.
I wish I could turn the clock back 27 years and work harder and pass all my O’levels and go to university.
Stuff ‘em all, I’d be a brain surgeon now just to spite the lot of ‘em!!!!

Hi rocketgirl just read this - sounds like you still hurting a lot - maybe you should talk to someone about this? as for proving anything you know as long as u are satisfied with ur qualifications thats the main thing and if u not sure u could always do some more study? anyways i think qualifications are a bit overated. believe in urself

Thats a sad story.

I wish I had done better at school aswell. I felt like an outsider. I didnt "fit" in with the other kids, and felt like I wasnt liked. I daydreamed my way through school, and only woke up in my final year, when I realized it was too late! Looking back, I feel rather ridiculous. I should have just got on with it, talked to the other pupil's more, and not have given a shit if some of them didnt want to know me. I've been very lucky to have been interested in cooking though, because it's given me a fairly decent career, without having had to do well at school. I just feel I'd be a more balanced, rounded person if I'd made more freinds during my teenage years.

Sometimes our parents just don't realise how much we look to them for direction.

I know now that my parents wanted me to do well at school - why wouldn't they? - but at the time they were working very hard to keep food on the table and didn't have the time to give the right encouragement.

I didn't do too badly, but I know I could have done better and I know that I wasn't able to do it without someone snapping at my heels as I'm notoriously lazy!

It's all water under the bridge now and I don't regret not pulling my finger out or not being encouraged to. I don't think about what I could have been as it's never too late to follow your dreams.

Some hurts never seem to go away, they just stay dormant til a trigger comes along, dunno why I wrote this, I think just trying to lay some ghosts to rest.
I just had a recent reminder which opened up some old wounds and made them a bit raw again, t'is all.
Yeah, I have gone on from there academically doing other things and getting other kinds of qualifications and becoming proficient at non-academic stuff, but of course my family are not aware of that, since I left school I learned not to bother mentioning anything, else it just gets ignored or trivialised anyways.
I know qualifications are not the be all and end all, and to be honest I know I've done okay career-wise and though I dont work anymore due to disability I am still intending to take some GCSEs next year, just to prove to myself that I can do them.
My youngest lad is taking his right now, so we agreed not to compete in the same year!
I know intelligence isnt the be all and end all, but a few years ago I joined mensa which boosted my self confidence but soon left as I realised it was a pathetic thing to do!
I suppose I must seem like some saddo that it's taken me nearly 43 yrs to realise that the person my parents taught me to believe I was ("you're stupid", "no one's interested in what you think", "no one cares how you feel", "you're fat" etc.) simply is not true.
I kind of had a eureka moment recently when I realised that I dont have to jump through everyone else's hoops just because they say so. Which is not totally the same issue, but something that is very closely tied to the above.
I feel Sssssoooooo much better having written it down, and though I am not able to say it to the appropriate people, I just wanted it acknowledged by someone other than me, if that makes any sense?
So thanks people, and it's good to hear your own stories too! xx

There's nothing sad about your realisations Alice. I'm 42 and only just finally trying to take the right steps to shake off the mental scars of my upbringing.

Maybe if I can lay it all to rest I can finally forgive my mum and myself.

My little brother went through deep therapy before he could settle it all and it looks like I'll be doing the same soon.

Everyone has the right to be themselves and to have at least one person in their lives who encourages and gives praise where its due. It doesn't matter if its a friend, a sibling or even one of your own children. We all need to feel important and accepted at some point in our lives.

Good luck with the GCSE's next year Alice xx
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"Always look on the bright side of life..... tetum tetumtetumtetum....."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo

I'd like to second those good wishes.

I was an extreme outsider at school, who simply couldn't sake a 'victim' tag, but I was fortunate to be able to retreat into school work and intellectual pursuits, which reinforced each other.

My working-class parents worked hard to encourage me. I a slow reader whose reading age rapidly rose once my old Dad got me interested in reading the Beano for myself!

I went onto do a degree at about the time that Thatcher was dismantling the system and each year it became harder for people to follow me.

When I met my wife, from whom I'm now divorced, she had had no academic success due to being an army kid that been moved around during childhood. I helped her restart her OU degree and finally put her through a degree with a London university.

She earns more than me now, since our divorce came at the same time as when I was derailed from my career, but peace of mind can be far more valuable than money or any empty symbols of status.

Her being in a stronger financial situation than me, through her own earnings, allows me to remember that I did the right thing by her and owe her no debt.

This kinda struck a chord! I failed my 11 plus and was condemned by dad to the ranks of being stoopid! "You will never amount to anything now" I was a bit lucky because i could pass exams with a minimum of effort! If i put my heart and soul into i got top grades! (I rarely bothered LOL) When the time to leave and joined the workers came my perents thought i'd end up working as a labourer, they didn't even know i had 7 cse's and 6 o levels! I entered the civil service as a cartographer (even this was 2nd choice!) took other occupational qualifications and some highers too and i even got promoted 3 times all at the 1st attempts! When dad retired he was debriefed by the men in black who gave him a potted bio of my career! Mum told me he was gobsmacked, In 32 years he was never even invited to a promotion board, my stack of certificates was thick and yet what hurt was he never said well done! i was still the failure, my brother went to a good public school left with no o levels, went to college and got one o level and proceeded to bum of dad for 3 years! he never even did a paper round! All help i got from dad ceased as soon as i got a saturday job.

YOU KNOW WHAT! I STILL FEEL A FAILURE NOW 36 YEARS ON, LITTLE BRUV WELL HE GOT A RICH SUGAR MUMMY 30 YEARS OLDER THAN HE IS AND STILL STROLLS THROUGH LIFE WITH A NONCHALENCE THAT I FIND OBSCENE!
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This guy is liscensed to chill, and thrill, but the opportunities to thrill are rather less than anticipated!!!!