Part One. ( II )






On my first night in India i got totally fucked over big time.
I got into a taxi outside the airport and asked the taxi driver
to take me to the Lawrence hotel in Colaba, South Mumbai.
The streets were absolute mayhem and although it was dark
i could still see signs of complete and utter poverty scattered
around the world outside the taxi windows. The driver didn't
talk much and i tried starting up a conversation with him but
he just completely ignored me. Fuck it, what did i care?
After about fifteen minutes or so, the taxi driver proved
that, he was after all human when he started rambling on the
phone to someone. He sounded a bit angry, but, how was i to
know? Maybe this is just the way they talk to each other over
here. Fuck it, again, what did i care? I was in India at last, a
new chapter in my life. Three months of fucking madness.
Did i have a clue what i was letting myself in for? Of course i
fucking didn't, dont be stupid. I'm an idiot, what the fuck do
i know?

We seemed to be driving for ages which i had no problem
with, i love arriving somewhere new and driving around
them, especially cities, and especially at night. There was
miles upon miles of busy streets, each one with hundreds
of people on them, most of them homeless by the looks
of things. Most looking absolutely fucking miseable. Jesus
fuck! What kind of life was this? This was just mental.
Seeing first hand how people lived in India, on the streets
at this time of night. It was so surreal. It was like being in
the cinema watching a movie. I couldn't believe i was here.

Eventually, after about forty minutes, we arrived at what
i expected to be a better hotel in a better area than where
i was. As we pulled over to the side of the street - if i could
even call it a street, i started feeling as though something
was just a tad not right. Or in other words, i knew that i
was in a complete and utter fucking shitehole. Before i could
even open my mouth to say to the driver to take me
somewhere else, the back door of the taxi was pulled opened,
and my bags were grabbed out onto the street and into the
hotel by four or five Indian men. I can only presume that
these fine young athletic Indian men who looked more like
they were training for the olympics rather than run a hotel,
were the very sincere and honest young chaps that were
having a polite conversation earlier on with my taxi driver.
Well - he wasn't my fucking taxi driver, but you know
what i mean.

I was in three minds wether or not to follow my luggage
into the hotel, stay in the taxi and get the driver to go get
them and come back out or - run away. I decided that i was
man enough to go and get my luggage myself and come back
and get the taxi driver to take me elsewhere, so i opened the
back door and stepped out telling the taxi driver that i was
going to come back in a minute and i would pay him shortly.
I closed the door, the taxi sped off, i turned round to see
where the fuck he was going and as i watched it turn the last
corner and listened to the engine finally disappearing into
the night, i was suddenly aware of how quiet everything was
all of a sudden. I couldn't hear a thing. What the fuck just
happened there? Did i miss something?
Oh, and by the way, it's not really that important, and please
dont think of me as silly for asking but,
'where the fuck am i ?'
I walked nervously into the hotel and looked around. There
were the same Indian olympic athletes sitting around on a
couch in the foyer, not saying a word to anyone, just staring
at the wall, which started freaking me out after a while, and
a man wearing a smartish enough suit sitting behind a desk
with a smile on his face that automatically made me know
that he was the main man and that i couldn't trust him and
that i was about to be shafted up the anal passage.
Amazing what you can learn these days from a smile. I went
over to him and he reached out his arm and as i went to shake
it he asked for my passport, so i put my hand back and got my
passport out and handed it over to him. He seemed to turn
into a member of the Gestapo with my passport in his hand,
checking all the dates and my visa with a magnifying glass.
Fucking tosser.
'Is this the Lawrence hotel?' I asked.
No fucking reply. Welcome to India.
'I said is this the Lawrence hotel ? Hello!'
Starting to wave.
He looked up without his smile, slimey cunt.
'No, this is good hotel'
Finally, a fucking answer. Not the answer i was hoping for,
but an answer still the same.
'So..... where am i and why am i not at the Lawrence
hotel when i definitely remember asking the taxi driver to
take me to the Lawrence hotel ?'
After about three months, suitface looked up and said
'Dont worry sir, thees ees good hotel'
'It may well be, but its not the hotel i was supposed to be
at'
Oh fuck it. I was shattered and i just wanted to sleep. Just at
this point a fat grasy Indian man walked into the foyer, pulled
up a seat at the desk where i was standing and sat down.
Staring at me. I tried to smile but i just couldn't be arsed.
'Right, fair enough. How much are the rooms?' I asked.
No fucking answer. Fat greasy fuckface decided to stop eying
me up and down, produced a pen from his arse and began
writing something down on a piece of paper. When he was
finished, he sat back, looked at me, weighing me up, then
leaned forward and handed me this scrap bit of paper.
Where the fuck was i? In some kind of bad Indian pantomime.
I looked around for the audience and the band but there was
no one around. Fuck me im in Bollywood hell.
The piece of paper read:
'6,000 rupees
5,000 rupees
'4,000 rupees.
'Are you fucking joking me ?' I asked since i was prepared
to pay 600 rupees maximum.
'No, seriously, are you trying to be funny? Look mate,
i like a good joke but im really tired and i want to
get some sleep. Seriously, how much do you want for
your cheapest room for one night ?'
'That's how much our rooms are sir.' said suitface.
'Right okay, well fair enough, but im not paying that. Can i
have my passport back please ?'
'Im sorry sir, but its too late, i have already filled in
the forms.'
'What the fuck are you talking about ?' My Glasgow accent
getting stronger and angrier by the second. My heart was
beginning to get some fucking life into it and i could feel a
wee bit of a shouting match coming on. I looked around and
the olympic athletes started to get a bit of life into them
but they looked unsure as what to do with it.
'Abouts where in England are you coming from good sir ?'
'Im not fae England mate, im fae Glasgow, in Scotland,
the country that takes shite fae no one. Understand ?'
Trying to sound as threateningly Scottish as i could
'Where aboots in Pakistan are YOU from ?' I shouted.
'Give me ma fuckin' passport back !' I looked at big
fat greasy arse sliding down his cgair.
'WHAT ????' I screamed at him. Fucking hell, i was
scaring myself. Who was this mad Scottish bastard that
lept out of my body and saved my arse? I got my passport
back and after about two days i managed to get my
rucksack on and lift my other bag. Fuck it was hot. Why the
fuck did i bring so much stuff. Did i really need all this. Did
someone throw in the sink while i wasn't looking? Fuck me,
i could hardly breath.
'There are no udder hotel around here sir, this is the only
one. where are you go now ? Everywhere not open.'
'Piss off!' came the reply from the mad Scotsman who had
taken up residence in my body for the evening.

I walked back outside and looked around, trying to figure out
what the fuck i was going to do now. It didn't matter. For all
i cared i was willing to sleep out in the streets rather than
pay six thousand fucking rupees for a room. Wankers. I kept
cursing them as i walked down the street. I didn't notice at
the time but i was walking further and further into darkness
and before i knew it i was alone and in the middle of some
kind of lane somewhere in Mumbai in the middle of the night.
'Now then........this....does....not....look....good'
I slowly thought to myself as i stopped to see where i was.
I wasn't prepared for this. No map - no change for phone -
no lonely planet book at my side.
'Where.... the.... fuck.... am.... i.... gonnae.... go....?'
The silence was deafening. I couldn't hear a thing. That taxi
driver bastard has obviously taken me right to the outskirts
of the city. Wanker.
'WOOOOF!!!!! WOOO OOOOO OOOO WOOOOOF WOOOOF!!!
WOOOO OOOO OOOOOF WOOOOF WOOOOFF!!!!!'
Fucking hell, i fucking shat myself, what the fuck is that? My
trance like state in quietness was shattered by a pack of
angry street dogs allaround me going fucking mental. I froze.
They were everywhere, i had no time to think, i tried walking
away from them but they kept cutting me off and barking at
the same time in my fucking face.
'WOOOF WOOOOFFF WE ARE GONNA EAT YOU YA WEE
SCOTTISH BASTARD!!! WOOF WOOOF FUCKING WOOOF!!
WE ARE GONNA EAT YER LEGS AND SHIT THEM OOT DOON
YER THROAT YA WEE PRICK!!! WOOFF WOOOF!!!'
My first thought was 'what are Scottish dogs doing over here
in India?' However it was my second thought seemed like a
better way of not getting my legs chewed off and shat down
my throat.
'RUN AWAY.... RUN AWAY.... AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!'
Screaming like a little girl and running down the street i
looked back and noticed that the dogs were all practically
lying around on the street pissing themselves laughing,
pointing their little paws at me and mocking me. Cunts.
I started to slow down but i was still facing back looking
at the dogs and then.....WHACK.
'MOOOOOOO. MHOOOOOOHHH. MHOOOOO.'
I turned round and was face to face with about fifteen of
the biggest fucking cows i had ever seen in my life. I was
practically in shock. And because i didn't move, one of
them tried to stab me with one of its ten foot horns.
'MOOOO MMHHOOOOOOHHH.'
'AAAARRGGHH. RUN AWAY. RUN AWAY.
I had no where to run except back up towards the dogs.
'WOOOOFF WOOOOFF MHOOOOOH MHOOOOH WOOOOF'
'RUN AWAY. RUN AWAY.'
Fuck me by the way, i was fucking terrified. Why were all
the animals so fucking vicious? I managed to get away from
the Indian olympic team, the ferrocious McStreet dogs and
crazy fucking cows. What next? I was half expecting an
elephant to come tip toeing up behind me, blow up a paper
bag and burst it beside my ear. I managed to get my breath
back and to thank it, i lit up a cigarette. As i stood there
wondering if this would be the last cigarette i would ever
smoke, i dog ran out from no where whimpering and obviously
very terrified. I looked back to the darkness from which it
came from and it was being chased by a fucking rat bigger
than the dog itself. I hope it caught the wee cunt, chewed off
its legs then shat them down its throat. What have i let
myself in for ? Ive only been here a few hours and already im
fucked. Im not gonna last. I finished my cigarette and i was
still surrounded by darkness and the only landmark i really
knew was the hotel that i could see in the distance. Then i
could just make out the sound of rumblings going on behind
me and when i turned round i could see some movement but
couldn't tell what it was. Then they got louder and i could tell
that whatever it was there were more and more by the
minute. As the movement gt closer towards me i could start to
make out it was people and they were heading slowly towards
me. I picked up my bag and stood there, ready to run away
again and eventually, i guess what had happened was that the
dogs had woken everyone up who was sleeping out on the
street and in turn they could see me as i was standing in a bit
of light and thought they'd come and investigate. I ended up
having about eight or nine bodies around me touching me and
asking for rupees and rice. I wondered what kind of sauce
would go with rupees and rice. I started to think that i was in
the playstation game 'resident evil - Indias' revenge.' This
was all too weird and it was getting a bit frightening so i
started walking away which was quick enough to get away
from the small crowd that had gathered and i found myself
back outsid the hotel. The fat greasy Indian was stood outside
with a smug look on his face.
'Ok, here's the deal. I'll give you 500 rupees for a room and
i'll be gone in a few hours.'
'Come inside.'
I went back into the hotel hating myself for it but i didn't see
any other option. After haggling about a price for what
seemed like twenty years i finally got a room for 1000 rupees.
I had been expecting to get ripped off in India but not on my
first night. I promised myself it would be the one and only
time i'd get ripped off while i was here. A promise that i
didn't keep very well. The room they gave me was pretty shit,
it had a tv but surprisingly it didn't work. There was no lock
on the door either so i put a chair up against it. There was a
knock on the door after about 10 minutes and when i
answered it there was an Indian guy with a bottle of water.
'Compliments of the hotel good sir.'
Fuck, is that it? A bottle of fucking water? Cunts. I thought
the Scottish were tight. I was really thirsty but i noticed that
the seal on the bottle had been broken and i thought it would
probably be tap water. Im sure that the local drinking water is
fine but i didn't want to get ripped off and become ill all on
my first night so i decided not to drink the water. Fuck, i was
tired, so tired. I could feel myself falling asleep. After about
an hour or so i woke up to find two of the Indian guys from
downstairs creeping around in my room examining my
rucksack. I jumped up, turned the light on and started
shouting at them, asking what the fuck they were doing. I
think the two of them were more scared than me but i doubt
it. They turned and faced me and i noticed each of them
looked at my bottle of water then looked back at me.
'What the fuck are you doing in my fucking room ?'
I screamed at them.
'Sorry sir, we were just checking to see if you were alright.
Is there anything that you need ?'
'Get the fuck out !'
I made them empty their pockets to make sure the bastards
hadn't swiped anything, but they hadn't. They quickly got out
of my room and i piled all the furniture i could up against the
wall and smoked tthe remaining cigarettes in my packet and
when they were done i opened another packet and smoked my
way hrough them. I sat awake for the rest of the night
realising that no one new that i was there at that hotel and
they all new that downstairs. Every now and again a few
would gather outside my room and i started believing that
they were going to come into my room and kill me. Every 20
minutes or so all the power would go off, which i found out
through time this is a regular occurance but at the time i
didn't know and i thought they were cutting the power to
storm my room, stab me to death, steal whatever possessions
i had and dump my body somewhere before it got light.
I know it's not a nice way to think about people but i realised
that they had drugged the water they gave me and that's why
they openly walked into my room as they thought i'd be
crashed out unconsious. I have never waited so anxiously for
the sun to rise in all my life. I was so tired but i managed to
stay awake the whole night and eventually around 8am i left
the hotel. My first night in India was over.

At that point i realised what i had let myself in for.