Sorry guys, I've got an offer to publish my texts, including my two pieces here, but I have to pull them out of the forum. Surely you'd understand...

Many thanks for your comments!

i think that is awesome! good on you x[/b]

I wrote something like that once. Ten years later, I re-read what I'd written and boiled it down to one line... which oddly enough, is the one another writer cribbed - and is now my tag-line below these postings....

It's like the curate's egg... Good in parts!
I think it's too long and making the type so small doesn't help.
You want people to be able to read it, right!
Here's how I'd treat one verse:

Break-it-down...
I don't like pubs and I don’t like drink
I don’t do drugs and I think smokers stink.
I don't mind talking - just don't make it silly
Who the marry cares if James slept with Lily
If you like fantasy then I'm your friend
But my music style ain’t the modern trend
Fucking iPhone! Oh, I know that's hip
But it's just another gadget, so get a grip!

I think it needs to be pruned a bit and tightened up. But that's just me!
Ange Lord Evil likes it!
_________________
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
(Jack Benny)

Angelordevil: Thank you. It's really kind of you!

scriptwriter: Who knows what's the faith of this one...

handsel: You were probably right about the font so I fixed that. And I see your point about tweaking it a bit. The verse you edited really feels more polished and I like it. Having said that, I still prefer my version (with a minor edit I've done) paradoxically because the rhyme is not perfect. For me it sounds more rich. I guess every author has his/her own style they like...

Anyway. Thanks to everyone who read it through. I know it's way too long, but I couldn't bring myself to exclude something.

Or... do what some of us fledgling writer's do... sit in a room with your work - with 14 professionals (or students), having them all seriously ripping it apart, then you kick over tables, argue, scream, cry, throw it away, write 5 more new ideas, come back with the 6th one - and have it approved, but it gets nowhere... then... find that the first version you wrote (that they sh*t canned) is then actually made/published by someone else, just over a year later - after someone else dreamed it up at the same time as you did, but didn't seek the approval of 14 others - just sent it off to an agent anyway... hard lesson in balancing feedback with taking a gamble.

PS - You should never pull out. It completely ruins the thrill of being a real rudie rudie, then worrying daily afterwards for 4-6 weeks...