I need help people. (Well i have needed help for sometime, but this time its serious...).

6 months ago i broke with with a man twice my age, who i was engaged to and loved dearly. The relationship wasnt good, we argued a lot and it had gotten boring.

Now I have a fella who I know just isnt right for me. I know this, and most other poeple know this, but for whatever reason i cant break up with him. We have only been together 2 months.

Reasons for him being wrong for me:-

1. No drive or ambition. Same job (on a factory line) for 7 years, now i am saying NOTHING against that but he doesnt want to progress or change to a better position or anything, and i am very driven when it comes to my career.
2. No enthusiasm for anything. Ever.
3. Flirting with women on the internet (it isnt hypocrisy, i am just chatting generally)
4. No money ever.
5. We have been together 2 months and fallen out to the point of splitting up twice.
6. Doesnt ever want to go on holiday.
7. Makes me feel like i need to be something i am not (He is a punk (as in has a mohawk and wears patches etc) and i am not so much).
8. Dont feel like i am enough for him.
9. There is more, but the more i type the more i realise what a psycho i look. :0(

Look, at the end of the day, i KNOW i need to finish things with him. Not just because of him, it isnt all his fault, its mine too... and I dont want you to tell me that, i want to know your views and opinions on WHY i CANT do it?

Its making me miserable. Please help...

The usual reason for someone not being able to take that final step is that they fear the loneliness and/or the loss of intimacy that comes with such a breakup, often walking hand in hand with the dread of having to start all over again. Often this is a by-product of insecurity. Personally, I think it might be a good idea not to dwell too long on the faults of your bloke - since you already seem to have made up your mind that he is *wrong* for you, and that you are having trouble actually breaking up with him, perhaps it is now time to look a bit deeper at yourself and (for example) find out how you feel about being on your own again, and what you would miss most about your current relationship, and work on that?

I hope this is useful to you in some small way.

Sounds similar to my situation.

I'm reluctant to end it as I know that we do have fun when he isn't complaining, but I do agree with what scaramuccia has said, and I know the main reason is not wanting to be on my own again, and that even though things aren't great its still the best I've ever been treated in a relationship.

I understand what you are going through.

I understand too deepthroath.

I spent two years in an unhappy relationship because I didn't want to be on my own. The very fact that you have listed all of those reasons NOT to be with him suggest that you need to get out.

I understand that it is hard, but believe me, it will be worth it.

You are clearly unhappy, and whilst it seems like there is nothing on the other side, there IS. I am now alot happoer being out of the relationship than I was whilst I was in it.

It was difficult initially and I missed being with someone, but let that motivate you to go through with it. Respect yourself and get out. The quicker you do so and find someone that you do get on with, the happier you will be.

I am sending you a hug. *Hug*

Thank you guys so much.

I dont think it is that i fear being alone, i enjoy being alone, and doing my own thing, and have people that will be there for me should i need a cuddle, or a shoulder to cry on.... and i have never had this problem before in my life. I have always been a strong willed person. I mean, to break up with the love of my life, the man i was going to marry and have children to was the hardest thing i have ever done, but looking at it now seems no way near as hard as this is. :0(

I am starting to make myself look like a psycho too, and i really really dont want that.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!! LOL...

*Accepts all hugs gratefully!!*

Ok H.

Hope all goes well.

Sorry, I’m quite busy this morning, and didn’t have time to clarify the ‘loneliness and/or the loss of intimacy’ aspect. By intimacy I meant the deep personal intimacy that comes with having spent quite a lot of emotional time with someone.

Even small things, like waking up at 2am and knowing exactly how your partner will be positioned in bed, or knowing their morning routine; people can really miss those kinds of things in a relationship, the comfortable familiarity. I guess the loneliness that I was referring to is that deep down feeling of loneliness when one loses that person that one has become familiar with. Whilst it is great to have supportive friends (and family) around, their support doesn’t always replace the deep psychological loneliness of having ‘lost’ someone (or something).

Anyway, this might not apply to Deepthroat, but perhaps someone else in a similar situation reading this thread sometime in the future will find it insightful.

You know me I never get offended, I get your point completely, and to be fair its not a reason for staying, but it adds to the reluctance to let go and probably try hard then I normally would to make things work.

My bloke has a lot of issues and talking to him isn't easy (last time I tried we nearly broke up), also I have a hard time expressing what i want and need to say. However you are right as per usual

yep i know that feeling, but time will tell. It's all just got a little complicated over the last few weeks, and I'm finding it hard to get my head around.

Scara - thats why i am so confused and dont know why i am finding this whole thing so hard. I know exactly what you mean about having that intimate closeness, knowing what that person is doing or knowing how they will respond to something you say, but in all honesty,i dont have this with this guy i am seeing now. He barely stays over at my house, for whatever reason, and we arent overly close. I do like him, i really do, but it just isnt connecting on deeper levels.

Lilly - this can be OUR thread if you like hon, we may both benefit from this.

And why is it SO easy to dish out the advice when your not in the firing line, yet to practice what you preach is a whole other ball game. I have admitted to both myself and friends that if it was one of them talking about their bloke the way i do mine, i would have advised them to get rid a long long time ago.

Oh booooo!!

My ex was much like you describe yours. He had and still has no motivation to do anything in life and any problems he had were always everyone else's fault.

You obviously want to be out of the situation and as hard as it may seem right now, you know that once you do it you will feel so much better.

I felt a great relief once I got rid. I know its hard to get the words out - I had finally had enough when I told him where to go and it hurt so much at the time to say it but once he was gone all I could think about was that I didn't have to deal with him any more.

Think about how its going to be once he's gone and use that thought to give you the strength to act.

I know all this, i really do.

It just hurts my head and my heart.

In relation to the internet flirting thing, i have just text him to say that it makes me feel uncomfortable, no matter how far away these girls are. Will see what he says!

[/quote]
And there you have it in a nutshell! I think most of us are good at giving advice, and really shit at taking it (even our own ).[/quote]

I know. :0(