Intro:

Hello, my name is Brian. For the past 26 years I've been blessed with ignorance. I never truly believed that love was real. The only love I received was from my family, but I didn't think that unconditional love counted (my parents divorced when I was 6). I was always the introverted loner in both state of mind and attitude. I enjoyed my own company and didn't care what anyone else had to say about it. The trouble didn't start until I went to college at 18.

The pot thickens:

While I was in college, there was no real way for me to avoid having a conversation with others. I didn't hate talking to people, but it did irritate me when a roommate would question my motives ("Why are you so quiet?" "Why don't you go drinking with us?" "This girl likes you, wanna go out with her?" are the usual questions I would receive.). I wasn't bothered by the fact that they were asking personal questions, I was bothered by the fact that I couldn't answer their questions properly. I didn't know why I was a loner. Because of this dilemma, I never made a true friend (or had a girlfriend for that matter). Things started to get a lot worse for me as I got older and more introverted.


My own personal Hell:

My major in college was Psychology. I really enjoyed this subject because it gave me a chance to understand people (including myself). Unfortunately, my grades were like a roller coaster (at some point my grades would be high, but then my grades for the next semester would be terrible). By the time I was in my senior year, I lost my motivation to finish college (I didn't have the grades to be go to school for a master's degree). I was very depressed and disappointed in myself, so I turned to the one thing that always lifted my spirits up: The internet. I became addicted to the point where I lost my faith in God and Humanity.

After using up my personal loan money, I had no choice but to go back home. After a year of doing nothing, I decided to give college another shot. This time I tried an online school. Once again, my performance was like a roller coaster. At my lowest point I just said "marry it" and stopped doing my assignments. After confessing to my family that I might be an asexual, that was a red flag for them to send me to a psychiatric ward.

Getting diagnosed as Schitzo-affective disorder was the straw that broke the camel's back. How ironic that I would shoot for being a clinical psychologist but end up being someone with a mental disorder. To me it was like a cosmic joke. The first year of taking medications for my disorder was my own personal hell. It was the first time I seriously started thinking about committing suicide. Since I pretty much hit rock bottom, there was nowhere else to go but up.

Reconnecting with Reality and God:

The medication I was taking seemed to be working. More importantly, I was talking about my problems to professionals that I respected (therapists). However, there was a big problem with the medication I was taking. The meds were gradually making me gain weight. I noticed the clothes I was wearing for years could hardly fit me anymore. It didn't help that the doctor I was assigned to was stating the obvious about eating healthy and doing exercises. None of that shit was working, so I decided to stop taking them (At the time I was under the false illusion that they were supposed to cure my psychotic symptoms). I went without meds for two months and ended up having a psychotic episode after arguing with someone over the internet. I was sent back to the psychiatric hospital and remained there for two weeks. During those weeks I did a lot of thinking. At first I expressed my anger and pointed fingers at everyone for deceiving me. Then I started forming bonds with the other patients. Lastly, I finally admitted that I needed to take my meds. However I made sure that the medication did not have the side effects of weight gain. During the last days in the hospital I had a series of lucid dreams. I'm not sure whether it was a vision from God or aliens (I'm Agnostic), but the message was clear: Keep being yourself.

Rebirth:

I took those visions very seriously. As soon as I came home, I made changes to my life (Schedule, exercise, prayer, etc). I stopped doing things based on the expectations of my family. Now, I'm doing things for myself. I separated my beliefs from my goals. I'm still an introverted person though, and my conflict will always be person vs self. However, instead of striving for perfection, I'm striving to be a better version of myself.

Conclusion: Now that you have a backstory about who I am, I would like to ask you a simple series of questions:

-Do you believe in love?

-Should a couple be completely honest in a relationship built on "love"?

-Do you think an introvert like me can find love?

-What are your experiences in regard to love?

Good information thanks a lot

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