I don't know what to do about my boyfriend of 14 month.

When I first met him he was so loving and kind and we never argued� but in the last 8 months we have been arguing a lot..this is due to him having personal problems leading way back to his childhood to do with his father.

Every time he gets in his moods he turns nasty and abuses everyone, including me for no reason, then we start arguing and he calls me names, etc� then he calls me and apologizes saying that he didn't mean to say those nasty things to me and that he loves me alot and is scared he's going to lose me.

At the moment we're spending time apart, we haven't spoken for 10 days as everyone says he needs space and to think about what he's done to me� His mom says he's still very confused and unsure about himself but he still cares about me a lot and is missing me� He's told his Mom that he's scared if he contacts me I will hang up or not answer the phone but when I call him to talk things over he either hangs up in my ear or doesn't answer the phone. It's very frustrating and hurting me inside.

His mom says to me just let him be and give him space to sort himself out and when he's ready to talk he will ring me�She doesn't want us to break up either and she reckons not to ring him and let him come after me as I've done everything I can do� He came by my house last Friday to talk to me but I was still asleep so I didn't end up speaking to him and now he says he's confused again and doesn't know what to do still..

Can you please give me some advice as I want our relationship to work out.

I know how hard this is...and you intellectually seem to understand that your boyfriend has had experiences during his childhood that have fostered a pattern of abuse that he has carried into his relationship with you. What happens in situations like this is that when he gets close to you, he starts to reenact the abusive patterning he experienced when he was young. He may not even know he is doing it and may even be unaware of the situations which trigger his anger.

Part of the problem is that once his anger starts, he really is unable to control it until it runs its course and that is often a very unpleasant situation for anyone in a close relationship with an abusive person.

As hard as this may be, please know that without psychological help and intervention, he will not change. He has already hurt you with his emotional flip flopping and he will continue to do so. There may be times when he comes close to you and it feels very loving but trust me, they will not last and he will snap, withdraw and continue the destructive behavior.

You may love him very much but this is an emotionally dangerous situation for you. You do not want to get trapped in this cycle which so many women who are with abusers find themselves....always living in fear or walking on eggshells because they are scared something is going to set their partner into some kind of rage.

My advice is to get out of this relationship....unless he goes into some kind of treatment, he will not get better on his own...in fact, he will probably get worse. There is a lot of written material on abuse on the Internet now and I suggest you do some reading to educate yourself on this subject. You may even share some of this with your boyfriend if he is not already aware of how destructive his actions are.

Further, in my experience, anyone who stays with an abuser for any period of time suffers from a significant loss of self esteem because they have learned to live with someone abusing them...eventually, they start to believe they deserve that kind of treatment.

There is no good that can come from this. Please protect yourself and have the courage to let go and ask for something better for yourself. No one should have to put up with this kind of behavior. We all deserve to be with people that a kind, loving, consistent and thoughtful. We all deserve to be honored and treated well.

If that is not happening for you, then this is something you need to get away from. Trust that you will be able to break away and to end this cycle in your own life.

Good to know y'all promote the bingotime experience. Is that where the problems took place?

I cant really comment other than to say i kind of understand. me and my boyfriend moved in together and have just celebrated our first year anniversary, when he turns round out of the blue and tells me that he doesnt love me any more.
So im stuck in a house that i work all hours to pay for with a man who seems to now hate me and is going to make no attempt at fixing things. Hes told me its not my fault but wat else am i to conclude? I now hate myself and my life.[/quote]

Guys, the best thing to do is to weigh down everything. Is he worth it for a second chance? Are you ready to experience again being beaten by him? If so then go for it.


Just do whatever makes you happy but don't forget to love yourself first.

Remember there's a lot of big fish in the ocean.

Good luck!

i have an idea.. it's just an idea though...

when your partner next gets abusive or whatever, get him to sit at a table, tie his arms to the arms of a chair, then smash his hands with a lump hammer.

Then.. and this is the awesome part, Say that you're really sorry and it'll never happen again and that you love him dearly yadda yadda.

If he accepts your appology and doesn't run away, then walk away anyway, because he's an idiot.

Or, you could just move out and forget him.
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Am I the only one seeing the "commercial" part of all this? LOL

Is this thread for real or what?!!!!!!! Very 'Vogue' if you ask me... costs £10k to have a full page ad in there too...

if a partner is abusive then get help. there is plenty of help out there for women. But for some reason none for men who get abused by women. 70% of domestic abuse in the Uk is by women on men. Men will usually only use their hands. women usually use weapons and cause a lot more damage. My brother got hit over the head with a rolling pin and cracked his head open by his wife. He went to the police and they just laughed at him and told him to hit her back. Women r not as weak as men like to think. an army of 40,000 women totally destroyed a roman army of half a million men. only 10 romans were left alive and sent back to rome as a warning. That army was led by Queen boudica. It was romes 1st attempt to invade briton. The men were to busy fighting the scots who were trying to invade from ireland. But most celtic armies were a mix of men and women. The women were better fighters cause they wanted to protect their husbands and sons. The romans made the women into slaves and the catholic church has continued that to this day. Never underestimate what a woman can do. they r stronger and smater than men in many ways, They just act weak and helpless to please men.

Where the hell did you read that "history" as it's rather inaccurate, actually inaccurate is being generous.

Its the history that everyone reported except the romans. We only get taught the roman version of history. Like the celts were barbarians and backward. in fact they were the most advanced race. They taught the romans how to build roads not the other way round like were taught. The roman sword was more like a broom handle sharpened to a point made from wood and 2 feet long. celt swords were 6 feet long and iron. a greek guy wrote a report on a battle. 2 million romans took on 40,000 celts and the romans lost. The romans say the celts sacked rome but again thats wrong. The celts walked into rome saw the state of the place and left leaving loads of gold for the romans cause they felt sorry for them. The only reason why the romans beat the celts is cause they went into the celt towns and stole all the kids to be used as love slaves. Without the kids the celts died out. There was a program on tv about it a few days ago. We only get taught what the roman catholic church wants us to know. They want to hide the fact that the church was setup by romans so they could carry on abusing kids and be protected. Try looking in the library there is loads of books on history as it was not the roman version. Thats where i get my facts from.

In the UK, try:

1. Relate - for relationship counselling
http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

2. AVP - alternatives to violence project
http://www.avpbritain.org.uk

3. Ask him to see his GP, to be referred to a clinical psychologist

4. Or, leave the relationship, permanently

I agree with Carlos Gwapo! You should not be in a relationship where one or both partners are abusive to themselves or others. It take a bit of therapy, to help someone like that and only therapy. Dont be an enabler and allow this person to keep abusing you. Get out now, it really takes people like that long hours in therapy to sort that type of problem out! Good luck to you!