There always has to be one new concept. Just go along with it until you get bored, or until I actually write something funny.

First of all, welcome. Here, if you rustle your crisps, it will only be a family member who nags you, saying "don't eat at the keyboard, you'll get crumbs everywhere". You can have breaks when you want to, though - though you might find it less interesting when you get back...

Anyway, we comedians (or comediennes), always like to start with families. Now, where I live (not too far from Jasper Carrott), the family generally has a father in his 50's, a wife in their late 30's/early 40's, and 3 kids. Good joke. My family outsrtips that easily - I'm the 4th kid, and my perants have got a 12 year difference.
And the comedy you just have to observe from them - its amazing. My dad, for example, "lost" his credit cards, that were stored in his wallet. We all looked high and low for them. afterwards, he called the bank to tell them and we got new ones. Then, when he put some trousers for washing, he found them! I keep wondering "did it not cross his mind to check the trousers he wore the day before he lost them?"

The immediate family isn't worth mentioning, so I'll move onto the extended. Some family members have a yacht, would you believe? Oh yes. Another great occasion is the family was my granmothers birthday ("I'm 90, you know!) last year. Now, some of these family members had the attitude "oh, you still smoking?" to my dad. To be honest, why in the world would you care? The only occasion you see him is when we have gatherings, and even then it's a case of "oh it's you is it?" - if they pay attention!

Right, time to move on to friends, I think. Some of the things these have said. For example, "Gavin" thought women only had 2 holes (1 up, 1 down)! Hilarious - and what's worse is, and this is really good, is the fact he isn't gay. Tell that to the photo, then, of him humping one of his friends up the rear end. This picture is actually on the web, but I won't give out the URL. I think the embarrasment might kill him. Unless the college tutors do before hand...

And onto other friends. It was Practical (at college), and we had little to do. So we were talking, then I said something about being bullied at school for "being" (even though I wasn't - it was the fact I had no girlfriends) gay. I pity "Kim" (she's blonde) who came out with "your gay?" The other girl ("Izzy") and me just laughed. Ah, hilarious - another few minutes of my life explaining to somebody else about previous accusations.

And on to the other girl, "Izzy". She's alright I suppose. Good material, though - you can't get a better one for comedy. She bought a printer, you see, and she (or her sister) likes to name objects. So it was named "Peter". Now, one night (without a joke) she told it it turn off. And it started making noises. Then she said "don't argue with me" and pressed the off switch. It made noises like it was arguing, apparently. How bored she must be...

And now, onto "classic occasions". This is where I have material form my firends too small to pad it out into a good paragraph, or too good to be extended:
> When "Izzy" came out with "I love you Kim" for no reason
> The occasions where we annoy the year 2's, such as undoing the little strips on coats, putting bags into bins, etc.
> When one of the students went to sleep, and the tutor paused teaching, took out his phone, and took a photo of him (no joke - I wonder if I can ask the tutor to get it...)
> When "Gavin" beat me in one test, and he insinuated "I'm better than you". Tell that, then to the facts that he is still lagging someone who has been ill for the opast 3 weeks...

And onto some more good material. Safety warnings, for example. Like the one on cough medicine for 5 year olds. "Warning- do not consume alcohol or drive vehicles after taking this medicine"

On a packet of American Peanuts: "Warning: May contain nuts". There was also "Instructions: Open bag and consume contents". And this ISN'T made up! Well, it would be Americans dumb enough not to know how to eat peanuts...

And another thing: who on Earth will want to read 12 pages of a EULA? All we need to know is that you aren't resposible for damage to our computers! How hard can that be? Every unnofficial download only takes a paragraph!

Now then - what material can i do next? There's politics, I suppose. If anyones interested. I mean, why bother? Only 30% can be bothered to vote out of those that can. I mean, thtere's only a slight possibility that Labour will get in at the next election. I mean, 10 years they've had. Are we any better? Well, I suppose if you know a local gang, you've got protection from intruders - unless it's the gang that steals your stuff in the first place. I mean, you can't rely on the Police anymore. Oh no. They've got last weeks paperwork to catch up on!

And that's another thing: why on earth would let your safety be controlled by your neighbors. You never know what some of 'em might do if they've got the law on their side. Might steal your gnomes and blame someone else. And if we are to police our street, can we have a whistle and notebook? I mean, if you are giving us a job, at least you can equip us to begin with!

Now then; transport! Who on earth catches local comuter trains at 8 am, eh? Any time I get onee, yopur lucky if you can breathe! Even if you can, you can't move your head in certain angles: your normally shoved up the door or wall, and by the time you get off your mishapen, and your heads at an angle, like your a telephone operator, and your stick your head to one side all the time so you can have your hands free.

And what is the point of putting an island at a junction where the previous lights worked so well? Apart from to spend money so they get the same budget next year. Buses now occupy both lanes just to get round. And anything larger than a mini (no joke) has to use part of the next lane just to get round, as the corners are too tight. Well done Solihull Council. What was wrong with a good resurfacing?

And just what is the point of putting a cycle section of pavement in that's only 2 meters long?

I mean, this comedy could go on forever. But then I'd run out of space. You'd probably die of boredom, waiting for the next section. Well, to be honest, I haven't even got a plan. It all comes from me head. No thinking (apart from spelling and word order). Just straight onto the web. So it's Flirtbox's problem if they lose this.

Jokes. How bad can some of these get? Like the one about an old man catching the bus with a tin of paint without the lid. The punchline? "I can't do that. This paint isn't undercoat." Oh dear. As if my jokes could get any worse.

I mean, here I am, whitling away, and all you can be bothered to do is read. I mean, honestly! Have you really not got nothing better than to read this? There's always your hand, I suppose. And your drink in it. I don't mind if you drink. Seriously. I can't be blamed if you spill it on your keyboard, either making it sticky, or worse, useless. A bit like me, then

What can I turn to? Shopping. That's a good one. I can quite happily buy glue from a stationers in my home town. No questons about age. At all. Now then. I go into Birmingham, go to WHSmith, try to buy the same glue "are you over 18, sir?" "well no, but if you aren't going to indicate that you need to be 18..." Am I more trustworhty in Solihull, then?

Anyway, I haven't posted in a while. College, you see. We have some good laughs there - like the references to "Amir Butt" when the tutors call out "who's not here" - a student who left so long ago nobody knows what he looked like! And a couple of students who turn up so reguarly, that if you blink, you wont've missed much!

But time is passing faster than a grain of sand moving about the Sahara. Or Brighton beach....

And I fear I'm running out of material. Or am I?

Ever since they've stopped food advertising, it's either adverts for hair and beauty products, cars, comparison websites, insurance companies, kids toys, upcoming or now showing TV shows and films, the same released to DVD, or console games.

And if it's not one of them, it's sometyhing for the pensioners - easy grips for coffee jars, walk-in showers, stairlifts, etc. Or it's the NHS, trying to make you feel healthier so they can waste money on managers salaries.

(to be continued...)