If 'the oakman' appears in any advert in the future, I will buy the product in question just on principle!

Left foot forward then right foot and so on.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

haha! brilliant and hilarious!

GIRLS. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

CHEER loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

SAVE time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

DOG OWNERS. Stop your pet drooling whenever you fry bacon by placing an odour-eater under each rasher as it cooks.

CONTESTANTS on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon, that way, if you lose, your 'bus fare home' will amount to several million pounds.

DIY ENTHUSIASTS. Make your approach more professional by starting 3 days late, wearing ill fitting trousers and shaking your head at regular intervals.

SAVE HOURS in every working day by hanging the clock upside down at 10.05am. That way, it's 4.35pm and only 25 minutes to home time.

CLIMATE change activists. Feel less guilty about travelling by plane by breathing more shallowly whilst on holiday.

MAKE YOUR own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SAVE MONEY on tattoos by having a small one done over a muscle, then going to the gym until the muscle gets bigger. Hey presto, a big tattoo for the price of a small one.

Love it... I havent read Viz in years, top tips was my fav.

SAVE doing unnecessary ironing by putting on your shirt and tucking it into your trousers. Then, draw a line around the shirt at belt level with an indelible marker pen. The material below this line will never need ironing, thus saving time and effort.

IDENTICAL twins. Use Morse code to cheat in exams by stabbing yourself in the arm with a sharp compass. The other twin, at home with a text book, can "feel" the question and stab you back the answers.

ASTHMATICS, avoid any holiday destinations where the scenery is discribed as "breathtaking".

WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer.

DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.

FEEL a bit like God for the day by making some little people out of plasticine, and then judging them harshly.

HUSBANDS. Tired of sleeping with the same wife? Simply lie on top of her until she goes numb, and Hey Presto! She'll feel like someone else's wife.

GIRLS. During the warm weather, keep your discarded pullover or jacket draped over your shoulders and not tied around your waist, as this prevents us from looking at your bottom.

MOTORISTS. Park for free in any city centre by smashing the windows, pulling out the radio and attaching a 'Police Aware' sticker to the front windsreen. Long term parkers may wish to burn their vehicles out for greater effect.

TRAVELLERS. Drink as much as you like on Long haul flights and don't worry about being over the limit when you drive home from the airport - the time difference will have taken care of that.

EXPERIENCE the thrills of a skiing holiday without the expense. Simply sellotape two planks of wood to your feet, sit in your freezer for three hours, then run into a tree as fast as you can.

RACISTS. Convince others that you are not a racist by saying 'I'm not a racist, but…' before saying something racist.

HOMEOWNERS. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children's tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem more roomy than it actually is.

TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you.
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"The tighter you grasp Lord Vader, the more it will slip through your fingers."