Top tip's Oakman, did you get them from Viz?

i liked them :O
where did you get them, or is that all from your head?
if so brilliant.

Scottie's talk of Viz has reminded me of this thread.

Some more:

BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.

CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.

GENTLEMEN, keep your legs warm in winter by wearing ladies' tights beneath your trousers. It's never embarrassing as they make perfectly good - and economical - leg warmers. In summer, switch to wearing cooler and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.

STOP birds nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs and moss in your neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed.

PREVENT bees and butterflies stealing your pollen by enclosing each flower head in a plastic bag securely fastened around the stem with a clothes pin.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

omg this lot's given me the giggles and some crazy pictures in my head, dunno what the hell I'll be dreaming of after this lot

so smart,,,,
I'm going to send an e-mail with this link ,to my blind uncle, so he can read it too

DON'T buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-FILES fans, create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

AVOID jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

DETER goldfish from having love by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

STUDENTS, when asked to write a three thousand word essay, simply draw three pictures, as they are each worth a thousand words.

AVOID cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.

FOIL pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes.

STOP bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.

CYCLISTS. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.