Q. What did God say after creating Adam
A. I must be able to do better than that.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask for directions.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?
A. They are all married.
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

IT'S TOUGH BEING A GUY

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married him or gave birth to it!
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

WOMEN'S GUIDE TO PLAIN ENGLISH

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

What did a man say to another man???

Nothing...animals only talk in fairy tales.
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

COMLETE SET OF BLONDE JOKES

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Buy her another beer.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O

Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row

Q: Why are blondes like pianos?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: "All the blondes have gone home!"
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
A3: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?

Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping card?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q. What do you call 12 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. What did the blonde say to the doctor when she found out she was pregnant?
A. Is it mine?

Q. What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What do blondes & screen doors have in common?
A. The more you bang them the looser they get.

Q. Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A. They don't know the route.

Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eyes?
A. Put a flashlight in her ear.

Q. What do blondes & computers have in common?
A. You never appreciate either one until they go down on you.

Q. Why do blondes use whiteout on their computer screen?
A. They couldn't find an eraser.

Q. How did the blonde break her leg playing hocky with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A. She fell out of a tree.

Q. What do blondes & turtles have in common?
A. Put them on their backs & their both screwed.

Q. What's the mating call of a blonde?
A. I' getting so drunk.

Q. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A. 8-- 1 to bake them & 7 to peel the M&M's.

Q. Why do blondes get tilt steering?
A. It give them more head room.

Q. What do blondes say after sex?
A. Who are you guys?

1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

2. Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.

3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a
women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already
there.

4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same
time,who would reach the ground first?
The woman, the man would get lost.

5. How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both
last about 60 seconds.

6. How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a
bikini.

7. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

8. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

9. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

10. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

11. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

12. If men got pregnant ....
Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers would be available
in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

13. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

14. What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

15. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake
the stove.

16. How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."

17. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

18. What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife?
Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, "Great chili, Babe!"

19. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of
35 think of?
Dating children.

20. What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

21. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

22. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

23. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

24. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the
circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

25. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving.

26. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

27. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

28. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half
the time.

29. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
_________________
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

SHE WAS SO BLONDE, THAT...

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Why men are like computers!

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

You win dressagediva,im throwing in the towel.I been reading some of the stuff today.I have too much respect for women,it goes against the grain.So i quit,if anybody else wants to take over work away,sorry.

Anfar started usin' the blonde ones.
Diva, you're gettin there! Step on it. PMSL.
_________________

I graciously accept........but you've been a worthy adversary Anfar, lets agree to keep up the jokes for all.......and thankyou I really enjoyed our matches!
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Thank u dressagediva,a good battle while it lasted. i just think those ones are degrading to women and not funny.Ill keep putting them on in the context they were meant to be ie a joke.Sorry about ending as i said if someone else wants to take over work away.