A man telephones a Chemist’s shop, but the phone line’s terrible.

Man: Have you got any incontinence pants?
Chemist: I can’t hear you mate, you’ll have to speak up.

Man: (louder) Have you got any incontinence pants?
Chemist: I still can’t hear you.

Man: (shouts) Have you got any incontinence pants?
Chemist: I still can’t hear you mate. Where are you ringing from?

Man: Wringing? I'm wringing from the waist down.

A woman gets onto a bus with a baby. The bus driver says:

"That's the ugliest damn baby I've ever seen!"

Really annoyed, the woman slams her fare down into his tray - then storms off to the back of the bus. As she sits exasperated, the man seated next to her senses that she’s agitated – so, asks her what’s wrong.

"That bus driver insulted me” - she replies.

The man empathises:

"He's a bloody public servant,” he says. "He shouldn't say things to you - insulting passengers… I just wouldn’t accept it."

"Y'know, you're right," she replies. "I think I'll go back down there and give him a piece of my mind."

So she starts standing up.

"Too right too,” says the man. “Here, wait up... let me hold your monkey for you."

Tee hee...

Two men were sitting on a train opposite a woman who had her dog sat on the seat next to her, when they observed an American man approach her and ask her to move the dog so he could sit down, as the rest of the carriage was full.

"No," the woman said, "I've paid the fare for the dog's seat, and it isn't moving for you or for anybody else."

At that, the American got hold of the dog and flung it out of the train window. The woman ran off in hysterics, and the man sat down comfortably.

In the meantime with the two men sat opposite watching the whole thing, one said to the other:

"You know, I just don't understand Americans. They drive on the wrong side of the road, they hold their fork in the other hand, and that man has just thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

That's terrible...!

No way! I was using the 'hip' word for excellent!

Man 1: I have a dog that now has no nose
Man 2: How does he smell?
Man 1: Like your wife's acidic p.ussy

Q: What is the worst surname to be married to if your first name is Tess?


A: Tickle




Que tumble weed lol...