I parked my car in a disabled space today. the traffic warden called after me “oi mate, whats your disability?” I replied “Tourettes you ugly cant now f*** off”.

A husband and wife are out shopping

the husband picks up 10 cans of stella and puts them in the trolley..

the wife takes them out saying " they cost £10 thats way too expensive "

further down the aisle she puts a £20 jar of face cream in the trolley..

he says " hold on a minute now thats definitely way to expensive "

the wife replies " but darling it makes me look beautiful "

the husband says " so does 10 cans of stella but at half the ****ing price

12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie ***** Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use *****, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'


We call our grandad "Spiderman".

He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.


I was in a pub quiz the other day and the question was "Name the book where the characters all lived behind the wardrobe"

Imagine their disgust when I said Anne Frank!!!

Middle aged woman looks in the mirror. "God I look old, fat and ugly." She says to her hubby "Pay me a compliment dear."

Hubby says, "Your bloody eyesight's good!"


A German guy approaches a lady of the night. "I vish to buy sex vizyou."

"OK," says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour."

"..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do little kinky." So off
they go to the girl's place, where the German produces four large
bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees." The
girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he
had said, to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She does this, balancing
precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you." She finds

it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by

the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The
climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is

several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally

amazing, what do you call that position ?"

"Ah," says the German . . ."zat is ze...


.

four sprung duck technique...


_________________

Myspace clicky

Facebook Clicky

I don't get it.
_________________


www.lizmadsen.com

u never seen the car advert that refers to it?

Fraid nawt Ny you tube links?
_________________


www.lizmadsen.com

Blonde goes into PC World , asking about curtains for her PC. Assistant says you don't need curtains for a computer.

Blonde says, ''hellooo ! it's got windows''


A very loud, unattractive, woman walked into Asda with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Asda security guard said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and
welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they
ain't. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins? Are you blind, or just F****** stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid love,' replied the security guard. 'I just
couldn't believe somebody shagged you twice. Have a good day and thank
you for shopping at Asda.'

LMFAO at the Asda one...

the car one was Audi.. Vorsprung durch Technik
_________________
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!