A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaims, "Only bad luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won!

He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were protecting . Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn`t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the collector to ask him where the money is. He can`t communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where`s the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don`t know what you`re talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn`t know what you`re talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 gun, places it in the ear of the deaf collector.
"NOW ask him where the money is.
"The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn`t know what you`re talking about, and doesn`t think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Park and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishing, sir."

"Fishing, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the fourth today, sir!"

Cool. Welcome to the forums. Stay a while, will ya?

Hi and welcome Second and third jokes funny... but I'm afraid I didn't get the first one. I must be a bit thick eh!

A guy walks into a bar with his girlfriend.
A very drunk man in the bar looks at the girl and says loudly, "If you were my woman, I would lick you from top to bottom like a lollipop."
The boyfriend is angered and starts to get up to kick the drunken guy's ass. The girlfriend stops him, telling him she does not want a scene. The drunken man then walks over to her and tries to give her a big sloppy kiss.
The boyfriend pulls him off and is about to beat him to a pulp, but the girlfriend pulls him away.
"If that guy even looks at you again, I'm going to kill him!" the boyfriend declared.
After a couple of minutes, the drunk came over to the couple again and said, "If you were my woman, I'd turn you upside-down, fill your armpit with beer and drink you dry with one swallow."
The boyfriend just took the girl's arm and started to walk her quietly out of the bar.
She asked him why he was not trying to pound the drunk into the ground for dishonoring her.
He replied, "If he can drink that much beer, he's a better than than I am."

• Easiest way to die:
1. Have a cigar daily - you will die10 years early.
2. Have drinks daily - you will die 30 years early.
3. But love someone truly - you will die daily!

I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Check books.

once a heart surgeon n gynecologist get married ...they have twin daughters ..what will they name them? ...ANGINA AND VAGINA ....

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I`ve known you for over fifteen years, and I`ve never seen you take a drink before. What`s going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I`m your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

TTHANK YOU LADIES FOR ENJOYING MY JOKES ...I TRY MY BEST TO GET U LAUGHING ....

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal.
The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds!

Good ones goldie7 well done.

thanks ...i must surely say ....U R THE BOSS!!!