from a woman` s diary …

*Tuesday, it` s the 3-rd day of travelling and the captain is looking at me often…

*Wed`day, he wants me to join him for lunch in his cabin…

*Thursday, he asked me to spend the night together…

*Friday, the captain threatened to drown the ship with all 475 passengers on board if I don’t sleep with him…

*Saturday… I saved 475 people today.

Close shave

A policeman goes to the barber and asks for a quick shave. Sits down and the barber gets to work, after one side is finished a kid comes in and shouts:
Hey, James, your house is on fire.
The policeman jumps up and starts to run… but after 300 yards stops and says to himself:
What did the kid say? James...hmm
What an idiot, my name is Paul.

----

Confessions

A man confessing to his priest:
Priest- It has been a long time since you been in our church.
Man- I know father, wanted to come but couldn’t, I feel ashamed by what I have done.
Priest – whatever it is, tell me and I` ll help you.
Man: Well… father, one day my sister-in-law came to my house, I was bored, it started to rain, and before you know I f` d her. Another time my wife` s best friend came for a visit, we had a chat, I really had nothing better to do and it started to rain, then I f` d her also.
Priest- Hmm…that` s it?
Man- no father that isn’t all of it, one day my wife` s father found me alone in the house, after some time it started to rain and since I was a bit bored f` d him too. I feel terrible, can you do anything for me?

Priest- Son I will see to it that you are forgiven, but it` s better that you go now before you get bored in here and clouds start to gather
---

Ticket-s

A guy buys a ticket, then after a while another one.
Another passenger approaches and asks him:
Excuse me, why do you buy 2 tickets for one journey?
Because you never know, if one is lost I` ll have the other one.
…And if y`ll manage to lose them both?? Then what?
He reaches in his jacket- and replies:

I don’t keep an Oyster Card for nothing.