Once there were 3 brothers, all married and living happily, but the youngest one didn’t make love to his wife, so she goes and tell his brothers and ask for their help.
So they ask him: why don` t you make love to your wife?
Oh brothers, what are you saying, how can I fu*k a member of my own family The brothers think for a while and tell the youngest wife to lie in bed and pretend to be very sick, and leave the rest to us.
That night the young one goes running to his brothers- help me, my wife is very sick….hmm they reply, to cure her you must fu*ck her- there` s no other way.
He returns home and does what was told to do. In the morning they ask: did you f*uk her?
-yes I did f*uck her and she` s cured now, but how did we let our mother die...

an a London hotel, an italian rings the room service repeatedly, but no one seems to understand him...speak slowly they ask and he says again:

TU TI TU TU TU TU

they give up and call a translator, he listens and explains:
he just wants 2 Tea To the room 222.

,a policeman with his family is waiting at the buss station.

The buss was late and the child started to ask his mother:

- Mum when will the buss come?
- Dont worry son, as soon as the driver washes it.

after 10 minutes..

-Mum why isn` t the buss coming?
- it will, as soon as the driver cleans it...

after 10 more min....
- Maaaaaaaaaaaam, when will the buss come here?
- as soon as the driver paints the buss,son...

At this moment the hubby couldnt bear it any longer and explodes:

God damn, motherf****r, couldn` t that driver find a better time to Paint the buss??!

One day the niece coming home early finds her grandmother watching a porn movie.


-Ohh Gran what are you doing, these movies arent for you.

-You know me -granny replied- I wasnt watching it really, I let the tape run, as I`m curious to know if they will get married at the end.

At the heaven`s door a Priest and a Driver go before St Peter, he lets the driver go in, and tells the Priest he isnt allowed there.

But ... how could you let him in and return me away? the priest asks.

- When you preached on the sunday mass people slept, When this guy Drove, people prayed.

Confessions
A man confessing to his priest:
Priest- Has been a long time since you been in our church.
Man- I know father, wanted to come but couldn’t, feel ashamed by what I have done.
Priest – whatever it is, tell me and I` ll help you.
Man: Well… father, one day my sister-in-law came to my house, I was bored, it started to rain, and before you know I f` d her. Another time my wife` s best friend came for a visit, we had a chat, I really had nothing better to do and it started to rain, then I f` d her also.
Priest- Hmm…that` s it?
Man- no father that isn’t all of it, one day my wife` s father found me alone in the house , after some time it started to rain and since I was a bit bored f` d him too. I feel terrible, can you do anything for me?

Priest- Son I will see to it that you are forgiven, but it` s better that you go now before you get bored in here and clouds start to gather.



Cruise Holiday
from a woman` s diary …

*Tuesday, it` s the 3-rd day of travelling and the captain is looking at me often…

*Wed`day, he wants me to join him for lunch in his cabin…

*Thursday, he asked me to spend the night together…

*Friday, the captain threatened today to drown the ship with all 475 passengers on board - if I don’t sleep with him…

*Saturday… I saved 475 people today.





Close shave

A policeman goes to the barber and asks for a quick shave. Sits down and the barber gets to work, after one side is finished a kid comes in and shouts:
Hey, James, your house is on fire.
The policeman jumps up and starts to run… but after 300 yards stops and says to himself:
What did the kid say? James...hmm
What an idiot, my name is Paul.





Corruption

During their political studies in a USA University; three guys become best of friends and promised each other to meet in 20 years time, to see what they had achieved for themselves and their people..
An Italian, a Brit, and a Saffa.
The Italian invites the other two to Italy and to their delight they discover that everyone is an MP. Then the Italian politician takes them to a new autostrada ( motorway) and tell them:
You see that ?... that was supposed to be 4 metres wider, but I pocketed the rest.
In Uk the Brit MP shows them a bridge and says:
That bridge was supposed to be with 5 lanes, it has only 3 now, that money is mine now.
In SA, their friend forces them to go up a hill, when they reach the top, he opens his arms and exclaims:
Do you see that huge lake, the water will be used for all the fields around it?
No. –they reply we can` t see any lake.
Of course you can` t, I took all of the money myself.





Ticket-s

A guy buys a ticket, then after a while another one.
Another passenger approaches and asks him:
Excuse me, why do you buy 2 tickets for one journey?
Because you never know, and if one is lost I` ll have the other one.
…And if y`ll manage to lose them both?? Then what?
He reaches in his jacket- and replies:

I don’t keep an Oyster Card for nothing.





Italians

One day Americans go to Italy and burn down every building made of wood.
Italians driven by vendetta go to America to do their worst.
Everywhere they go, couldn’t find a building made of wood, but after many days manage to locate only one, so they burn it .
On returning home, front page news on every Italian newspaper was:

In USA, Italian Embassy burned to the ground





Rich guys.

Two rich guys meet and start to ask one another about their finances. The first one says I don’t have an exact idea how rich I`m, but I can afford to buy the latest Mercedes every 2 months.

What about you, how long it takes for you to buy a car like this?

I don’t know - he replies- but let me ask my accountant.
After some long calculations the accountant calls back: you can afford to buy it after 6 months.
Are you an idiot, with all the money I have you tell me that I can only afford to buy one Mercedes in 6 months?
The accountant terrified says: Boss, I told you about the firm that makes these cars.
======= = = = == = = = =




The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 p.m. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. "We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! "You've been playing golf!"



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He was examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, when he made a startling discovery: Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented. "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"



The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said. "Stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied. "The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 a.m. the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue. "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."



The 5th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted. "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."





Shy
===
A woman walks into a pharmacy and tentatively approaches the pharmacist. The pharmacist, seeing her hesitancy, asks if there is anything that he can do for her. She asks him in a quiet voice, "Do you carry extra large condoms?" He points to where they are and asks if she wants to purchase a box. She says, "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"




Naïve Young Boys Purchase Tampax

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replies.

The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"

"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."





Elderly Women Imperil Selves, Others

Two elderly women are taking a drive after church one Sunday.
Margaret is riding in the passenger side and enjoying the scenery when she looks up and sees that Ethel has run through a red light. Without her glasses, Margaret can't see very well, so she decides not to say anything, in case she's mistaken.

A few minutes later, Margaret is again enjoying the scenery when she looks up and is nearly certain that Ethel has run another red light. This time she decides to say something.

"Ethel, are you trying to kill us? You just ran through two red lights!" Margaret says.

Stunned, Ethel turns to Margaret and says, "OH MY GOD, AM I DRIVING!?"





New Salesman Pulls Off $100K Up-Sell

A young guy gets a job at a big department store. The boss tells him, "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." At the end of the first day the boss comes down and asks him how many sales he made. One, the kid says. "Just one?" the boss asks. "Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"It was $101,237."

The boss is shocked. "$101,237?! What did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new line. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss can't believe it. "A guy came in here to buy a small fish hook and you ended up selling him a truck?"

"No," the kid replies. "He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"





Golf Game Drives Nun to Sin

nun schedules a meeting with her Mother Superior. After a few minutes of tense hand-wringing, the nun says, "Mother, I have sinned. I have wrongly used vulgar language."

The Mother Superior calmly replies, "Tell me sister, when did this happen?"

"I was shooting a game of golf. On the 10th hole I hit a terrible drive, which hooked and rolled in a ditch."

"Is that when you cursed, young one?"

"No - then, a gopher scrambled to the bottom of the ditch, grabbed my ball in its teeth and scampered back into the rough!"

"Ah, and that must have been when you cursed, dear one."

"No - while the gopher ran across the rough, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the gopher, soaring into the sky!"

"Surely, THAT was when you cursed, sister!"

"No - the eagle squeezed the gopher, the ball popped out of the gopher's mouth, landed on the green and amazingly rolled to within two feet of the pin on the 10th hole."

The Mother Superior pauses, then says, "Don't tell me - you missed the fuckin' putt."





Visitor to Brothel Makes Cost-Effective Decision

A man stops in a brothel, checks his wallet, and says to the man behind the desk, "I've got a hundred bucks, and I'm horny as hell."

The man behind the desk calls to a back room, "Harry, grease up the blonde."

The customer looks in his wallet again, and says, "Y'know, I really should only spend $ 50."

"Harry, grease up the brunette."

"Actually, maybe I should only go for $ 25."

"Harry, grease up the red-head."

"Dammit, I need gas money, I can only go for $ 10."

"Harry, grease up."




Man Inadvertently Reveals Infidelity

A guy is at the supermarket when a beautiful blonde waves at him and says hello.

He's taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, and he really should remember someone so beautiful. So he asks her, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my balls with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ass?"

"No,” she says. “I'm your son's math teacher."


Man Has Way with Sheep
Two guys are driving a desolate road when they come across a sheep stuck in a fence. The driver thinks to himself, "Man, this is a golden opportunity."

He stops the car, and proceeds to have his way with the sheep. He returns to the car and says, "Man, that was good. Wanna give it a go?"

His buddy thinks about it for a minute and says, "OK sure, but you're not putting my head in the fence."





Man Rouses Wife from Coma

A husband and wife are driving along and get in a terrible accident. The husband sustains serious injuries – broken leg, broken ribs, a concussion – but the wife is put into a coma. She lays in the hospital in this coma for a year with no response. One day, a nurse is giving her a sponge bath and rubs her "down there" and the lady lets out a little moan. Stunned, the nurse goes to get the doctor. The doctor doesn’t believe her, so the nurse repeats the procedure to prove it to him; again, the lady lets out a little moan. The doctor tells the nurse to call the husband.

The husband comes in and the doctor says, "I don't quite know how to tell you this, but we've had a response out of your wife," and he proceeds to explain what had happened. The doctor then says, "This may sound a little weird, but we think your wife might come out of the coma if you go in and have a little oral sex with her."

The husband’s a little weirded out, but he says "I want to help, so I'll do it," and goes into her room. After a few minutes, his wife flatlines. The doctor and nurse rush into the room shouting, "What happened? What happened?" The husband replies, "I, I don't know – she must have choked!"




Animals Seek Alternative to Drug Use

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest; you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. The rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest; you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his cocaine, then tosses it and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest; you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and beats the shit out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they ask, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"





Eighteen Holes of Golf, Just Ruined

Sam and Charlie have been friends since medical school. They work together, they socialize together and every Sunday, they play a round of golf together. It's the same routine, play eighteen holes, have a few drinks and they are home to their wives by 6 p.m. Well, one Sunday they don't get home at six. Neither wife is worried since the play might have bee slow or they might have had a few extra drinks. Eight o'clock rolls around...then 9 o’clock...10 o’clock....finally at 11 o’clock Sam walks in the door. He looks terrible.

His wife demands to know where he's been. He tells her, "Charlie died on the first hole. There was nothing any of us could do...it was a massive heart attack."

She is horrified. "That must have been very tough on you," she says.

"You bet," replies Sam. "It was eighteen holes of hit the ball, drag Charlie...hit the ball, drag Charlie..."




Gorilla Demonstrates Good Taste in Liquor

Much to a bartender’s surprise, a gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender hands him the drink and is surprised again that the ape is holding a $20 bill. In order to test how smart the gorilla is, the bartender only gives him one dollar in change.

After about five minutes of silence the bartender says, "We don’t get many Apes in here." The gorilla replies, "At $19 a drink, I'm really not surprised..."