A squirrel walked into a Pub and asked for a packet of nuts. The bartender went to grab the nuts and then he realised that it was the same squirrel that robbed the pub 5 months back with two badgers and a sawn-off shotgun.

I was sitting in the corner of the Pub at the time and over heard this conversation. I then ran and grabbed the Squirrel and threw it out of the pub. I saved fifteen people that day because the squirrel was insane, he walked into a pub and asked for nuts! I might not be a phycologist but I think the nuts signify a deep desire to destroy people's lives with nuts.

Oh, did I say this was a joke? It's actually a true story, happened last week. I'm a Hero!

This is pretty much as boring as boring gets.

Pretentious?

Moi?

I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said, 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'.

'I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high'.

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants love, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."