I WILL SURVIVE - GLORIA GAYNOR'S FAMOUS SONG

MALE VERSION

First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed…
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that your big knickers aren't made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
Only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you're half cut.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad,
God what made me want to court her?
With t*ts that look like Tesco bags I've just filled up with water
It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse than the al-co-hol-ics curse.
I WILL SURVIVE !

To which the girls reply.........

FEMALE VERSION

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly w***er that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in your crusty bed...
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your F###ing ugly face...!
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you looked just like Richard Gere !
Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're an ugly p**ck
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm stuck with you, you tw*t.
It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going to have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me want to be a nun !
I WILL SURVIVE!!

lol
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Brill, again!

Cheers!
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Thank u ladies,

seen it before Anfar .......... but great to see it again

Has anbody seen my opponent,she couldnt have ran out of jokes already,isnt it that i put one down then she puts one down,is that the way its supposed to work,not me put 2 or 3 down together.Please let me know.

meanie
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I'm too lazy to make a new topic, so as quick as I say "pardon me, do you have a grey poupon?" here goes my short joke which all of you probably already know, but I've just seen a picture which reminded me of it.

A horse goes into a pub, approaches the bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender brings the horse its beer and says: Hey, why the long face?
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bliss23,i didnt hear it before.Still waiting for war

Im sure Dressagediva will be back soon to kick your butt


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Im sure she will kizz

Hello, sorry been a tad busy but don't worry your oponent hasn't given up at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Read and Weep

Comparing Men to Dogs


How Dogs and Men Are the Same<

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning

3. Both mark their territory

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches

7. Neither does any dishes

8. Both fart shamelessly

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut

10. Both like dominance games

11. Both are suspicious of the postman

12. Neither understands what you see in cats


How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public

2. Dogs miss you when you're gone

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous<

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out

6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog

8. Dogs are easy to buy for

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer the sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said to her,"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said. "God, I wish I had your will power."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Interesting. Can I say which I lurved more today? Oh I won't. You're both still cool. Cheers! Don't give up.
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Ooooh that lot were so mean...but funny
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