How many times have you said this to yourself? Things just suck, people are stupid. You haven't washed in a while and are probably better off dead. Here are some methods of passing the time until you die. They have been tested and proven to work. No guess work involved here... have fun.

1) Sleep

Seems pretty obvious, right? You'd be amazed how many people overlook this. Here is a secret tip for you: did you know that you don't have to be tired or drowsy to sleep? I bet you didn't. Don't stay up thinking something cool is going to happen. Don't go hang out with people who suck as much as you. You know nothing cool will happen. It never does. But you waste your time like a moron going "out" and coming back with no satisfaction whatsoever. Why not just stay home and sleep? Your bed is warm, and nobody can bother you. You can't be frustrated with trying to do anything cool, because you never attempted anything to begin with.

Sleep eighteen hours a day if you can get away with it. Sleep any place where you know you will not get sodomized. You know you don't have to be social if your eyes are closed. I have learned that if people think you're sleeping, they won't try to talk to you. You know how much you hate that interaction thing. Plus, when you sleep, you'll feel better. For all the hours you've wasted doing nothing, you could do something that makes you happy.

2) Foreign Substances

Why not put things into your body that will give you a false sense of security, superiority, or confidence? I mean, as long as you are content, who cares what other people think? Remember, it's all in your mind. No matter what they say, no matter where they place you: in the end your demise will be your fault and your fault only. If you win in your mind, you can be burning to death while maggots chew on your eyes and still have a sense of accomplishment.

So you have decided to destroy your body with drugs. Good call. Drugs will make you very happy, as you will appreciate things so much more. You see people being so damn happy... laughing, and you wonder how they can be so happy when we are slowly approaching the Apocalypse. You aren't at fault. They are just morons who are going to burn in Hell. But if you want to experience what they feel, get mashed. Everything will make sense. All of a sudden, the doorknob you took for granted will fascinate you to no end. Trees and lakes will be beautiful again, at least for twelve hours. Do a lot of drugs. You have nothing to lose. You can only gain insight to their "other" world. In addition, it can be very, very cheap. Even if it becomes a habit, it won't be one you'll have to sell your body for, only your furniture. Fucking up your mind is okay.


Then there is alcohol. Alcohol is great. It makes you forget, and can be useful if you ever need to amputate a leg. Always carry some of your favorite beverage in a Thermos. Alcohol is a big excuse. "Give me a break, man, I was drunk." Fuck you, pal, there are no breaks.

When you drink alone, you can think. When you drink alone, you don't need other people to impress. Fact. You're drinking. No one needs to know you can drink half a keg without puking. Alcohol will also help you get to sleep when some eternal questions are bugging you to no end.

3) Find Companionship

Find a girl. Yes. Find a girl. One more time. Find a girl. [I'm a guy and this is my perspective. Other people, do the gender math.] It's not as hard as you may think. Let me rephrase that. Get a girl. If you look for one, you'll never find one. I think someone intelligent said that. You'll accidentally stumble into her, somehow. As long as you don't suck that much, it is inevitable. You may be introduced, or you might wind up in the same jail cell. Hold on to her. She will be your crutch in this cruel and disgusting world. Together the planet will be your toilet paper. You won't need anyone else, as now you're doing more than winning in your mind. You're winning in her mind, and that's so much more reassuring. Have violent angry sex, or whatever makes both of you happy. You will be happy. You'll cut your penis off if she asks you to. But you will not care. And then when you need her most, she'll disappear. After the physical aspect is taken for granted, you will realize that your relationship is shit. It has no damn substance. Just two lost children in a big confusing world, grabbing at anything in the dark.

4) Clubs

Go to shows or clubs and draw blood. Go to some death metal gig or something of that degree, and get into the pit. Make sure you bring small sharp objects. You see, the people at angst shows are wussies, and would never hurt you. Hurt them, bruise them, and inflict the pain on them that they deserve. Or go to a real show, and swing your arms and body around wildly. Most of the time, if you pass it off as dancing, nobody will bother you. You can injure yourself and other people and get your angst out. It's all angst. Just remember, you are not special. You suck! You are a fucking cockroach that will be crushed by the intelligent ones. Or maybe you'll get picked up by some whore at the club. If you have taken my advice, you've probably come to the club drunk out of your mind. Not having any idea what is going on, you decided it would be a super idea to have sex with this she-beast.


5) Hit Your Head Against the Wall

This is a little bit like going to a show, but it's in a controlled environment. The harm you inflict on yourself relies completely on your sanity and tolerance for pain. If Big Biff from _Club Big Hair_ decides to decorate your face with his fist, there is no use arguing. Biff will stop when he pleases, most likely when it's last call. On the other hand, you can stop hitting your head on the wall any time you wish. Most likely the numbing pain will get to you, but that would be the exact thing you wanted to accomplish. The physical pain will help you forget the questions that have kept you up at night. Blood takes precedence over man's inhumanity to man.

6) Get a Job

Yeah, get a job. It's not as hard as you may you think. Even if you are lazy and would rather roll over and die, there are jobs intended for your mind-set! If you have an ounce of brain matter, you shouldn't have a problem finding a job. There are Generation X opportunities everywhere. Get a job that doesn't require a university education. Even five quid an hour adds up. You won't have time to think because you'll be too busy taking shit from you McManager. Everyday you will come home exhausted out of your mind. You won't have time to worry about how much things suck, because you will just be grateful to God that you are not working. This cycle continues until you die. There is another benefit of working. You'll have more money for drugs.

7) Destroy People Who Suck More Than You

This is my personal favorite. There are subsets of this which will be included later. Basically, you know who you're better than. The people who swim in ecstasy of their own stupidity... for them, ignorance is bliss. You sometimes wonder if you would be better off if you were like them. Probably so. Make them pay. Insult them, make fun of them and make their lives hell. Anything that will boost your ego by stepping on someone else's head is a must. Sometimes you might get hurt, but it's worth it. You always win in your head anyway. If you need courage to insult people who are stupid but much larger than you, you can always resort to alcohol. It's such a wonderful invention. There are so many damn idiots.


8 ) Offend People

Offending people is a great pastime. You need to find a cause and run with it. Luckily, you don't have to know anything the cause to piss people off. Generally you can promote this cause with much more fervor if you have a bias one way or another with it. The possibilities are endless.

9) Stare at a Picture of Tori Amos

Trust me.

10) Kill Yourself

Seems like the obvious answer, right? Well I feel suicide is the last possible solution. For starters, killing yourself takes way too much fucking energy, plus you might make someone happy. God forbid that might happen. A human life is just way too valuable. You may not think this, but its true. No matter if it does massive amounts of good, or better yet massive amounts of evil, it has so much damn power. You can make so many stupid people miserable. Why would you want to give all of that up? If you do go, go with a bang. Any wuss can swallow fifty aspirins. Be rad, light yourself on fire. Stand up for what you really believe in. Shoot your elected representatives. Shoot your neighbor's dog. Do something that they will never forget. And then when it can't get any worse, with everyone on your ass, it gets better. You kill yourself. You are now less miserable, and have way fewer responsibilities.

11) Stare at the Wall

It is not a personal favorite of mine, as I would rather sleep. If you have the patience to stare at the wall for a long time, you will begin to see amazing things. We take walls for granted, you know. I personally do not have the patience to look at a wall for prolonged periods of time.

Slightly adapted from http://www.a1b2c3.com/suilodge/metfor1.htm before anyone jumps on the "You're an idiot" bandwagon!
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"There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you'll ever be. Then you accept it... or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking into mirrors."
- Londo Mollari, Babylon 5