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Home >> Dating >> Why don't guys want something serious?
22.05.2007, 10:58 quote
Hello,
This is my first time posting on here. Anyway, lately I've had small relationships with about 3 guys (at different times). I'm at a point where I want something serious but every single guy I meet just ends up wanting something casual with me. My other friends all seem to find guys who are willing to be in a serious relationship and I dont understand why I can't.
I'm beginning to think guys see this in me and find me too needy and run a mile. But honestly, I am a nice girl, I am pretty, and I am loyal. I don't see why guys always want a girl who essentially treats them like crap??
Can anyone help?
22.05.2007, 11:43 quote
Well you sound just like me and i have the same trouble, im not willing to change and be a bitch though, i am not at all needy and very independant, perhaps that is a put off, i have no idea.
I think you just havnt been lucky enough to meet the right person yet huni, dont settle for arseholes, you will meet someone nice eventually who will see the loveliness in you!
welcome to the boards 
22.05.2007, 11:47 quote
| Happenstance wrote: |
| Hello,
This is my first time posting on here. Anyway, lately I've had small relationships with about 3 guys (at different times). I'm at a point where I want something serious but every single guy I meet just ends up wanting something casual with me. My other friends all seem to find guys who are willing to be in a serious relationship and I dont understand why I can't. I'm beginning to think guys see this in me and find me too needy and run a mile. But honestly, I am a nice girl, I am pretty, and I am loyal. I don't see why guys always want a girl who essentially treats them like crap?? Can anyone help? |
I don't think guys want a girl who treats them like crap; I think instead many guys do not want to get locked into a relationship wtih one woman for too long. There are historical (read: evolutionary) reasons for this, as well as some maturity reasons. Most younger (maybe even older) guys, I imagine, are afraid to give up all the potential sex they could possibly be having in the future for just one woman, even if she is special - let alone if she's not! I think the way you state "guys who are willing to be in a serious relationship" is perfect - this is something younger men will only tolerate, not actively seek.
Furthermore, I've had several relationships with women for a few months before realizing I really didn't like them all that much, and it took that long for the realization to crystalize. In such a situation, the options are limited but do not include a long-term relationship (unless emotional suffering is your thing). Realistically, the options are to bail ASAP (which is not often easy because someone else's feelings are involved and, as you've implied, it's rarely taken well) or to play along until a better option comes along (aka casual sex without telling the other person it's casual).
I think the above scenario is quite common, but doesn't necessarily reflect badly on the soon-to-be-dumped, so I wouldn't take it too personally unless you think there legitimately -is- something you're doing to drive them away. Otherwise I'd chalk it up to younger guys not wanting to risk losing all that sex they at least hope to get, even if they're not
Oh yeah, and welcome to the boards!
22.05.2007, 12:08 quote
This isn't a uniquely male thing.
There are plenty of women out there (and a good percentage on here, it seems) who want the attention and having their ego massaged, but not a relationship. Certainly not a 'real life' relationship at least.
The general rule of thumb is this; most men want sex, most women want the idea of a man but not the actual man.
22.05.2007, 12:25 quote
| chikhai wrote: |
| This isn't a uniquely male thing.
There are plenty of women out there (and a good percentage on here, it seems) who want the attention and having their ego massaged, but not a relationship. Certainly not a 'real life' relationship at least. The general rule of thumb is this; most men want sex, most women want the idea of a man but not the actual man. |
i think we can say then that thre are men and woman who want to settle and men and woman that dont.........its just a case of sorting through and finding the right ones!
22.05.2007, 15:24 quote
When you say casual what do you mean? If i met someone who after say a couple of months started talking about marriage then i'd be spooked too. What i'm trying to say is you don't plan a long term thing, it just happens.
22.05.2007, 16:25 quote
| women4me wrote: |
| When you say casual what do you mean? If i met someone who after say a couple of months started talking about marriage then i'd be spooked too. What i'm trying to say is you don't plan a long term thing, it just happens. |
Yeah, that sounds right to me. I can be with someone for a long while, I just don't want to plan things out. I'm more concerned with the near future looking good. The far future can take care of itself. That something is good and will last is something I'd rather grow to accept, rather than actively seek. That doesn't mean I don't the idea of long term, because I do, I'm just not going to build myself up only find myself let down.
22.05.2007, 17:07 quote
| chikhai wrote: |
| This isn't a uniquely male thing.
There are plenty of women out there (and a good percentage on here, it seems) who want the attention and having their ego massaged, but not a relationship. Certainly not a 'real life' relationship at least. The general rule of thumb is this; most men want sex, most women want the idea of a man but not the actual man. |
Humm ..... maybe the rule of thumb is that ... men want sex .... and women want sex !!! I think this is the problem for people like Happenstance and myself. Don't worry hun ....... plenty of people like the idea of long term relationships - I don't understand why people are scared. I know you can't plan too far into the future, but being scatty about life and relationships means without some kind of future ideas the relationship could fall flat. I admit it's important not to come on strong in the beginning but if you both want that, then there should be no problems ..... you've just been unlucky with the last three guys. Maybe the "settling down" type is around the corner?
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22.05.2007, 21:14 quote
Thanks guys... i think you're right. I'm probably taking this all too personally. I guess there all guys are different, i just need to find the right one for me.
22.05.2007, 21:36 quote
I'm defiantly looking for something long term and serious ive tried the casual thing and its not me. You have to stay true to yourself that doesnt mean im put of by independent women ..thats got nothing to do with it. Being in a long term relationship where love respect caring and everything else thats good doesnt mean you have to give up your space or indepednce..
23.05.2007, 01:11 quote
to start with myself, i will love to have a serious relationship, as i don't have the time to start over and over again with every new one. but i would say it human nature to want something that he/she cann't have, atleast in most cases. if someone is not looking for a serious relationship and u r, then it is better that they leave before it gets messy and some one gets hurt. don't blow ur candle of hope so soon. there are plenty of mature and seriously looking for a serious relationship out there.
23.05.2007, 02:10 quote
| Quote: |
| Yeah, that sounds right to me. I can be with someone for a long while, I just don't want to plan things out. I'm more concerned with the near future looking good. The far future can take care of itself. That something is good and will last is something I'd rather grow to accept, rather than actively seek. That doesn't mean I don't the idea of long term, because I do, I'm just not going to build myself up only find myself let down. |
I think you've got a good point here, but there's another way to look at it too - while going into a new relationship expecting marriage is past creepy, going into a relationship expecting it to end in a few weeks (or months) is creepy too. At least to me. I don't mind the idea that a relationship may end (be reasonable, most of them do eventually) but I don't want to go into a relationship with an expiration date either. I don't want any limits to my relationship - I want it to be able to reach its potential, whatever that may be.
23.05.2007, 07:36 quote
| Hodel78 wrote: |
|
I think you've got a good point here, but there's another way to look at it too - while going into a new relationship expecting marriage is past creepy, going into a relationship expecting it to end in a few weeks (or months) is creepy too. At least to me. I don't mind the idea that a relationship may end (be reasonable, most of them do eventually) but I don't want to go into a relationship with an expiration date either. I don't want any limits to my relationship - I want it to be able to reach its potential, whatever that may be. |
If i gave that impression, I didn't mean to do so. What you've said is completely compatible with what I was thinking when I wrote what I said.
23.05.2007, 07:45 quote
Oh, I know! I was agreeing with you, just putting it in a different way. I know that's what you were saying. 
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