What things should you not say on your first date...?

Jimmy Carr had loads, cant think of any ones he used..
I feel as though ive failed.

Probably best not to mention your husband/wife/life partner

Don't mind my scratching - the doctor says its not the clap

Turn down the second date because "Thats the day I go back to the clap clinic"

I can't kiss you til my herpes has cleared up.

One used on me on the first date....
Him: would you like to come back to my place for a coffee?
Me: Umm, no thanks
Him: It's okay, I've had a vasectomy.....


I have to go now before I turn into a pumpkin.

Another once used on me on the first date:
Me: So, where are we going tonight?
Him: We're staying at home to play scrabble with my mother. She gets REAL WEIRD if I leave her alone....

And yes, both chaps were earnest and honest and didnt realise they were slimming down their chances of a second date....totally.

And things not to DO on a first date....if you want a second one...

Dont pick your nose at the dinner table.
Or fart.
Or belch loudly.
Or try to order my meal for me if you cant read let alone understand what it is, if the menu is written in French.
Dont constantly text your mates/chat on your mobile in front of me.
Dont tell me that you need to take a dump, so I can go ahead and have a starter without you because you are constipated and it might take a while.....

Did I say I speak from unfortunate experience?

Don't order the sausage - you'll be getting plenty of that later

You remind me of my mother.......

I love you.
Let's get married.
Let us try for children now.
Any chance of a shag.
Let me play with your armpit.
Don't fondle her tits.
Look at my knob.

and so on.....

Things I never tell on a first date are,

i). My Bank Balance

ii).I Love You.

iii).My Boobs size.

iv).I had my first crush when I was a 5 yrs. old.

v).How big is your ****?

vi).I own a bunch of porn-dvds.

this has a few pointers

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=tKk-jV_qxvU

I don't say these things on my second date,

i). I hate your mother.

ii).I'm not on pills.

iii).Oh I'm falling in love with your purse.

iv).My ex still calls me.