I started seeing this girl for a few weeks.
Things are going great, then out of the blue she starts an 'us' conversation.
She basically told me that I'm stingy because we always go Dutch when we go out.
She also told me that she expected me to surprise her with weekend breaks in Europe and stuff like that.
Call me naive, but are men really expected to foot the bill?
Sounds retarded to me! I thought this was the 21st century!
Back in the 1960's, men's wages were much higher than women's and as such were expected to bankroll their partners.

This is crazy! I like her, but I don't want to be digging into my overdraft to buy her surprise holidays to Prague just to keep her. That means either I have to finish with her, or lie to her and pretend I'm going to buy her all this stuff, when I'm clearly not going to!

Why do I always get into these messes?

It's simple. Just tell her you can't afford to splurge on weekend breaks in Europe (maybe the odd one here and there, if you split the cost.) If she likes you for you, she won't give a shit. If she has a problem with that however then all she is, is a moneygrabber that you are better off without.

that has shocked me, why shouldn't you go dutch. It would make me feel very uncomfortable if the bloke paid for everything.

I agree with moose tell her you cant afford to do it, and see what happens. Bloody woman has been reading too much take a break if you ask me

I agree both Moose and Jo ........ if she wants for for you she wont care if your penniless ........ x

I agree with the comments made so far.

My girlfriend of 6 months or so from early last year earned substantially more than I did and I found it a drain trying to keep up with her financially, and had to refuse to join her on her week-long trips home (Europe), and even, to some extent, limit the things we did in London whilst I was there with her. To be fair, my income varied from month to month, some months I had loads of cash, others very little, so on the good months I was able to keep up with her, and on the bad months I dipped into overdraft/credit card mode. I wouldn’t do it again, not for anyone.

My current girlfriend has always known my financial situation (since before we actually met face-to-face the first time) but since we are in a similar financial situation we limit our outings to something we can both afford. I have to be honest, I appreciate the small gestures she makes to me (random gifts, when she pays for the coffee, whatever), as she does when I do them for her, because we both know that even the cost of those small gestures make a difference to our individual weekly budgets. I have to admit that she often spends more on me than I do on her. Not because I’m tight, I hasten to add! By the same token, I try to do things for her that I know she’ll appreciate (although lately it seems to be fixing a houseful of laptops and walking her daughter to school, not much I suppose…….note to self: must find a nice way to show her how much I appreciate her). At the end of the day, I’d give her my last money if she needed it.

I can only speak for myself (but I think she would agree), we appreciate the things we do have together and don’t dwell on the things we don’t do, or can’t do. Then again, we both enjoy the simpler things in life (like each other’s company, going to an art gallery, a walk in the country), so there aren’t too many unrealistic expectations, and therefore no disappointment associated with those unrealistic expectations.

Sadly, I think too many new relationships revolve around expectations, some even to the extent of spending beyond ones means to keep the new relationship idling along. In an ideal world we would probably all like meet someone who had similar circumstances to ourselves, or at least someone who understood our circumstances and didn’t unwittingly tie a millstone of financial expectation around our neck. Romantic and thoughtful gestures are part of the backbone of a relationship, and we should all do them……but within our means, not according to someone else’s standards or level of expectations.
(As an afterthought, the first time someone said to me “If you don’t do this for me, or buy that for me, you don’t love me”, I’d drop them – it boils down to emotional bullying/blackmail)

As usual, I have waffled a bit, and digressed slightly, but I hope you read between the lines and find something that relates to your own situation - and either work things out with her, or find someone who does appreciate what you are able to offer and give willingly.

lol this sounds very much like a give and take, you give, she takes !

i agree with everything everyone has said so far, if she's not happy about splitting the bill then give her 2 options... 1) go somewhere cheaper 2)go jump in a lake
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I agree with what everyone else has said.

She shouldn't expect you to pay for everything...especially 'surprise' breaks in europe - they can be costly!

My last bloke decided to try and pay for everything - until I told him straight that I'm not expecting him to pay for everything.

I guess you need to talk to her and tell her!

Samatron - what they said above. I am shocked, and ashamed to be female, that there are women like that in the world. Good grief. DH got it spot on, anyone who demands you 'show your love' by spending money you cant afford is an emotional bully.
Even if you had the equivalent of Bill Gates' bank account, why the dang would a woman expect you to take her to Europe for the weekend to prove the depth of your feelings for her?
She sounds insecure and incredibly self-centred.
Personally, having got to this point with her and realising she's a Good Time Charlie - in *your* wallet - I'd be giving her the elbow, if i were you.

Totally agree with Lilacrose's sentiments, I think this guy needs to give the girl the elbow for his sanity's sake as well as his finacial security, just ask yourself fella when and where will the demands stop.

Truth is everybody should go dutch, but it's not all women's fault. What this lady wants is indeed awkward, but maybe she's coming from somewhere.

I for one enjoy when I find someone who's willing to go dutch as most of the men "dates" I run into insist on buying stuff and taking care of bills, which actually makes me feel quite awkward and in debt. So it's not all women's fault. There are lots of men out there who believe they should take care of things...

What about women who feel stressed when a man insists on taking care of everything? Huh? What about them?

I can't help but remembering something from Seinfeld, when George pulled out his wallet to pay for dinner with a date and later on confessed to Seinfeld that "SHE DIDN'T EVEN MIMIC THE GESTURE OF TAKIN' OUT HER WALLET."

I mean... Wouldn't it be easier if we all just dutched from the beginning? And men not having to tell women that they don't want to pay for everything, and women not having to tell men that they don't want men to pay for everything either? =)))

And to end... I for one preffer to receive little gifts, like DarkHorse stated... Any little gifts which make me think that someone thought of me... Rather than have someone paying for dinner. It's always great to go DUTCH. How do we make everyone understand this?
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money grabber

i very rarely let a guy pay for me, i dont want to feel i owe them anything and i dont want it to come back on me later in the relationship. i agree with darkhorse ( as much of this is the same as my experiences) split the cost but sometimes pay for the drinks or buy daft little gifts

no one male or female should expect the other person in the relationship to pay for them that is just rude and greedy

if she expects you to and expects you to take her away and stuff then i would say get shot as she will only bleed you dry and then get rid of you once the money has gone ... i know someone who did this to their first husband ... kicked up a fuss when she wasnt having things paid for and wasnt being taken away and being given expensive gifts ... the problem is that now she is onto husband number two and she is doing the same thing to her

to hear that a female does this makes me feel rather uncomfortable a bit annoyed and ashamed to be female i would never expect this or make anyone do it

what does she think she is to be demanding this ??

if i was you i would get shot mate, we dont live in the dark ages anymore maybe you should make her aware of these little facts
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FoxyHan - Proof that it's not all grim up north

Really apreciate the direct answers.
It seems that this forum is the ultimate agony aunt!
She told me that it was her best mate that told her she should expect all this bloke pays business.
Either way, it's out of order!

I echo all the sentiments above. What century does she think we are living in????
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Having said all that, I do enjoy paying for a lady as a treat sometimes.. you know, paying for dinner, or buying tickets to a show or something. I'm not obsessive about going Dutch all the time.. if I've got the money then I enjoy treating the person I care about. It's all about balance, really.

Go dutch, equal footing is best but not sure whether that is ok if a couple's income differs in a major way. I was just thinking about the pressure that the lower income person feels trying to keep up with the higher salaried person who wants to do more expensive activities or issues the other way around.

There are times when we also have to learn to 'graciously accept' and so a treat either way is to be valued and appreciated in the spirit that it is given.
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