i know how to be hard and i have used that before ... i have been with some proper shockers, a couple similar to the guy you posted about in the sexual injurys thread ... i have been hard, i can stand my ground, but that doesnt seem to get me anywhere either ... so i am balanced ... my good qualities get me used and then when i am being harsher that just ends in rows ... the thing is i get the wrong uns ... the ones who start out nice and then turn on you after a while ...

my sisters boyfriend is a lovely guy as are the guys my friends are with, we are all very similar people yet this happens to me ... i cant really explain it properly on here

i understand what you say Alice ... but im not a push over, i just cant seem to get it right
_________________
FoxyHan - Proof that it's not all grim up north

So you start off by letting them behave in a certain way, t'is all roses and candy, then they overstep your boundary (I am presuming you know where they lie by now after TWO violent guys?) and it ends in a row....why? Because they wont accept no for an answer and you are determined they are gonna toe the line? Thats just a battle of wills, its not respecting one another is it.
How about, he steps over your boundary, you quickly and quietly tell him to stop doing it....he challenges your authority over the right to be treated how you want to be treated....and you show him the door.
Then yes one day you will meet a lovely chap who the very first time he steps over the line and you politely let him know, he says Oooooops i am sorry it wont happen again....harmony rules.
I am yet to be convinced that you know where your boundaries lie sweetie cuz you say it always ends in arguments, thus proving you've let it go on too long and it has become an issue.
Again - if you let someone treat you in a certain way, they assume its ok to do it.
Suddenly without warning or explanation you go off on one and tell him to stop.
How is he supposed to understand Why? when yesterday you said nowt?
I dont believe for one moment that you always pick the guys with jeckyll and hyde split personalities and the bad personality only shines through after you've been with them awhile.
Sorry, but that makes no sense whatsoever.

well unfortunatly i am not made of stone, nor am I as old as a lot of the people on here who have the "life experience" ...

i wish i had never said anything now
_________________
FoxyHan - Proof that it's not all grim up north

But isnt that a good reason to have posted?
The input of others with more "life experience" surely is a step in the right direction to thinking in more depth about our own situations?
I do it all the time on here Han, AND I take note of alot of much younger people sometimes too.
Alot of it is about self-confidence, or lack of, which is summat you are the first person to say you lack alot of, I know you've mentioned it on here a few times.
So dont be despondent, dont be sorry you posted, you are doing fantastic with your diet (of which I am dead jealous!!) and dont forget that old adage:
You gotta kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince!

I am very naive in many ways and not as "streetwise" (on the net and in real life) as most!

Relationships are the hardest thing in the world to master ......... Naive or Hard, the less of 2 evils .......... yes i once was naive and beleived every word a guy would tell me now i am old, bitter & twisted because of my past siad relationships, i am hardened to all there 'crap' ........ so no one can get that close to me at the moment .......... so which is better letting the past rule your life or take a chance and maybe get hurt in the process ???

Oh and just for the record girls use guys just as much.

I think we are biologically rigged to be able to take advantage of any good opportunity. In difficult times it helps us survive. However, when we come out of difficult times, these tendencies can be too powerful for the status quo.

No doubt there is more to be added to that but my brain just stalled

Guy's using girl's? How about girl's using guy's? I know it's rarer, but I have recently been used, and although many bloke's may like that, I most certainley did NOT! I think guy's sometime's get a bad rep, especially on the net, which make's it really tough for us good one's here.

Fireinmyheart - I doubt it is rarer, more likely fewer men are willing to admit feeling used by women, than the other way round.
Most women when moaning to their pals about HE USES ME will get "oooh poor you, the bastard"....a bloke tells his mates SHE'S USING ME, they are more likely to fall about laughing and say to him "more fool you for letting her".


Maybe someone needs to quantify what "using someone" means?
Dont we all use one another in one way or another and call it a relationship if we are using each other and both happy with what we get out of it?
Think the sugar daddy. He gets the gorgeous young girl on his arm to show off and make him feel good, she gets the mink coats and diamond necklaces.
Do they say they are using each other, or in a relationship?
The wife who's fed up with her husband's drinking, but she's afraid to be alone so she stays....isnt she using him for company - and he to get his grub cooked and his shirts ironed?
Are they using each other or in a relationship (albeit a dysfunctional one).
I think we call it "using" when we perceive it to be done by one and felt (and resented) by the other.
Those that feel used, I ask....if you are feeling used, why are you still in this dysfunctional relationship? What are *you* using the other person for? Why are you allowing it to happen?

If we admitted our own part that we play when we get used, maybe we wouldn't get used - or wouldnt feel used - in the first place?

That is why I always say to anyone asking "Why is s/he doing this to me?" I reply by asking "Why are you allowing them to do so?"

The answer lies within.

mines the other way round, girls using guys.

been used by a girl at college, real using ****. kept trying to make friends over msn again, ugh.

the other was more recent, a girl at university who just wanted help with project work and computer stuff.
When i tried to talk to her she'd just ignore me.

Really despise people like that. Guess i'm just too dumb to refuse someone who needs help, but that would be mean. Still, how do you know who to trust?

Using one another is the way of life, it's how we learn and develop though as people, some experiences are good and some are bad, but it's how we deal with life is what makes us better people.

In reality, I don't suppose one love is any more responsible than the other for using. However, as individuals we could have the same experience, one person would feel used, another sees it as an opportunity to learn from and another just takes life how it comes without batting an eyelid.

It is my belief that unless we learn something from a situation that was unpleasant, then we will have similar circumstances happen again, the only way forward is to recognise the 'pattern' then deal with it differently.

If you change, then everyone around you is also forced to change too.

well I hope they change and learn that using people won't get you anywhere.

Its not a matter of being made of stone.

Life experience will treach you many valuable lessons and one of those will be that there is no perfect scenario where you can look at a situation and know that everything will work out fine in your relationship.

Its about finding that balance so that you are free to love without reservation but yet still use common sence at experience to determine how your relationship should develope.

I know for a lot of women bad experiences mean that they have a hard time opening up emotionally with men but I would say that "it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all".

There are lots of very decent, very nice men out there. So........

Firstly remember that you are special look at yourself and tell yourself that every day no matter how you feel or what you are going through ......"I am special....."

Then you need to carry yourself like your special not in an arrogant way but with a demeanour that says I don't need anyone to tell my I'm special because I already know and believe it.

Ensure that you have a full life join a club, go to the gym, cook for someone and invite them for dinner, paint a picture blah, blah blah just do something that you enjoy and that you are good at as it will reaffirm to yourself why you are special.Don't be waiting around for no man......and if you fine that you are pinning for a man you need to find something to do.

When you are busy and your life is full a man will simply be an added bonus and not the thing that you are looking for to complete your life.

Sorry I can't write any more now..........phew!

rancorx, may I ask you something?
If it had been a guy - or a girl you didnt fancy or didnt particularly want to engage in casual chat with - that had wanted help with project stuff, would you have not helped?
What happened to altruism?
At least she knew what she wanted and did not want - you were free to accept that and help, or not accept her terms and refuse to help.
That to me is not using you. She simply needed help with some work but was not interested in getting to know you better on a personal level.
In what way should she change? Only ask for help from someone who she wants to get to know better?
Sorry, no offense but I just dont see why it was a problem.