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Home >> Dating >> Are you put off by dating somebody
17.03.2010, 21:21 quote
| englishgent1981 wrote: |
| However, I would like children of my own one day. So if I were to get into a long term relationship, I would want to make sure that my partner wanted kids with me too.
Is that selfish? |
I would say no, and it's a clear indication of where you wouldn't be right for each other. I never want children of my own, that would be somethinga prospective partner would haveto understand with me.
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17.03.2010, 21:22 quote
| missjb wrote: |
| I wouldnt let it bother me to be honest! ive dated quiet a few guys with kids and that was back in my younger days, i never found it interfered with me and them. But i guess it would depend on what their relationship was like with their ex, i mean i cant be dealing with psycho exs out to kill me!!! id much rather a guy with no kids but id have no probs with taking them on if he was the right guy. |
'In my younger days' - You're only 21!
17.03.2010, 21:25 quote
| englishgent1981 wrote: |
| That's a real tough one Sue. 6 kids is a lot.
For me, I wouldn’t be fussed if I met someone really nice who had a kid. However, I would like children of my own one day. So if I were to get into a long term relationship, I would want to make sure that my partner wanted kids with me too. Is that selfish? |
Not at all. I don't think enough people talk about having children early enough.
I never wanted children but kinda got brought around to the idea after a few years (and I love them lots and it's hard to think of my life if I hadn't had them)but when I was left with them at 9 and 13 I did feel more irritated that HE WANTED KIDS yet HE was prepared to abandon them as well as me!
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17.03.2010, 21:50 quote
can i just point out, that not all fathers just abandon their children.
Sometimes you have to think about the child rather than yourself. I moved nearly 300 miles away from my son, so that i could provide better for him as the work where he lives is kinda thin in my field of expertise.
Admitedly we'd already split up when we found out she was pregnant, but still.. it always seems like the father becomes the instant arsehole in the splitting up situation because a high percentage of the time the mother get's the kids and then proceeds to moan that the father isn't around yadda yadda yadda. i think you get my point and i'm getting the hump.. so i'll leave this for now.
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| Quote: |
|
If there really is to be a soul mate out there, I think your soul mates are those people who make you feel at home, wherever you are. That hearing their voices and knowing they're close to you (even if in thought) makes you feel at ease. |
17.03.2010, 22:10 quote
| s6boystu wrote: |
| can i just point out, that not all fathers just abandon their children.
Sometimes you have to think about the child rather than yourself. I moved nearly 300 miles away from my son, so that i could provide better for him as the work where he lives is kinda thin in my field of expertise. |
I fully support men with children,having access to children and those that do what you have done to provide for their children.
The point I was trying to make is that my ex hubby was the one who REALLY wanted children and I didn't.
One of the main reasons I didn't want children was that I didn't think I could handle the teenage years, but then I was left to do that BY MYSELF and the reality was even harder than I dreaded, and for a few reasons that were also 'not the norm' one would expect to be dealing with.
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17.03.2010, 23:31 quote
Yes it would put me right off. I lived with an ex for 3 years who had a daughter who was still in nursery and the experience has put me off having kids of my own. Kids are not for everyone and im happy in the knowledge i know this rather than get into a situation where i would be a miserable sod. Im happy to be an uncle and babysit the odd time but as a full time parent no way. As has been said previously any girl i get with would need to be happy with this or it would just cause untold problems later on. Only problem i have is how long do you wait to tell her. Not summit to bring up right away but dont want to leave it too late either.
ps im sick of being told "its different if its your own" bull lol i know its not what i want just as much as i know my own name
18.03.2010, 00:31 quote
I think it's good that you're not likely to change your mind because you KNOW, but I do think it's difficult to know when to discuss having children in a relationship, and even if there is disagreement, people often feel that they can change their partner's mind over time.
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18.03.2010, 21:44 quote
| gypsymoon wrote: |
| I think it's good that you're not likely to change your mind because you KNOW, but I do think it's difficult to know when to discuss having children in a relationship, and even if there is disagreement, people often feel that they can change their partner's mind over time. |
that last bit scares me. Iv know a couple of guys who have ended up being fathers because the woman was deceitful and it screwed up not only their life but also their trust in women in general. I wouldnt want to end up like that and while i wouldnt shirk any responsibility if it happened i dont want the responsibility in the first place. If a girl says she either has kids or wants kids then its bye bye. Saying that when im in my 30's or 40's and the woman has grown up kids that wouldnt be as much of a barrier.
18.03.2010, 23:30 quote
I don't think there's anything much to think about, because if you like the person that much then you just get on with it and see what happens. A person's kid/s are an intricate part of that person's life, so if it's that big a deal then your feelings for them cannot be that strong.
That's always been my attitude, if I've started getting to know someone who's got kids, anyway. My missus has 2 kids and I think they're great. I think they a good thing in my life. I also don't feel like I had to change or start being "responsible". Talking like that makes caring for kids sound like it's a chore or something that's undesirable in some way. It's also a two way thing, like any healthy bond between people.
19.03.2010, 00:31 quote
| cookieninja wrote: |
| I don't think there's anything much to think about, because if you like the person that much then you just get on with it and see what happens. A person's kid/s are an intricate part of that person's life, so if it's that big a deal then your feelings for them cannot be that strong.
That's always been my attitude, if I've started getting to know someone who's got kids, anyway. My missus has 2 kids and I think they're great. I think they a good thing in my life. I also don't feel like I had to change or start being "responsible". Talking like that makes caring for kids sound like it's a chore or something that's undesirable in some way. It's also a two way thing, like any healthy bond between people. |
well said. if there was a clap icon, i'd be using it
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| Quote: |
|
If there really is to be a soul mate out there, I think your soul mates are those people who make you feel at home, wherever you are. That hearing their voices and knowing they're close to you (even if in thought) makes you feel at ease. |
19.03.2010, 00:40 quote
| cookieninja wrote: |
| I don't think there's anything much to think about, because if you like the person that much then you just get on with it and see what happens. A person's kid/s are an intricate part of that person's life, so if it's that big a deal then your feelings for them cannot be that strong. |
This is all well and good, if it doesn't mean changing the way you are. If I had to change to fit children into my life, I really wouldn't be the same person. There'd be no guarantee that anybody would like who I become. So it wouldn't work for me, no matter how much I liked a person.
Looking after children may not be a chore, but it does take a lot of responsibility, and that's not something I have.
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Vidi Vici Veni
I got in touch with my feminine side. She emailed me back saying if I ever contacted her again she'd call the police.
19.03.2010, 13:34 quote
| cookieninja wrote: |
| I don't think there's anything much to think about, because if you like the person that much then you just get on with it and see what happens. A person's kid/s are an intricate part of that person's life, so if it's that big a deal then your feelings for them cannot be that strong.
That's always been my attitude, if I've started getting to know someone who's got kids, anyway. My missus has 2 kids and I think they're great. I think they a good thing in my life. I also don't feel like I had to change or start being "responsible". Talking like that makes caring for kids sound like it's a chore or something that's undesirable in some way. It's also a two way thing, like any healthy bond between people. |
i agree to a certain degree but if you dont want kids then i think if you end up in that situation it wont bring out the best in most situations. It didnt with me and thats how i know about myself.
19.03.2010, 13:36 quote
| cookieninja wrote: |
| I don't think there's anything much to think about, because if you like the person that much then you just get on with it and see what happens. A person's kid/s are an intricate part of that person's life, so if it's that big a deal then your feelings for them cannot be that strong.
That's always been my attitude, if I've started getting to know someone who's got kids, anyway. My missus has 2 kids and I think they're great. I think they a good thing in my life. I also don't feel like I had to change or start being "responsible". Talking like that makes caring for kids sound like it's a chore or something that's undesirable in some way. It's also a two way thing, like any healthy bond between people. |
i agree to a certain degree but if you dont want kids then i think if you end up in that situation it wont bring out the best in most situations. It didnt with me and thats how i know about myself.
19.03.2010, 13:41 quote
| englishgent1981 wrote: | ||
'In my younger days' - You're only 21! |
I wish I was 21, I'm 28! I meant when I was 18/19/20 I dated people with kids!
22.03.2010, 04:51 quote
Yes, I would be put off.
If you're approaching it with the hope or possibility of having a relationship, you're not just talking about being a girlfriend - you're talking about ultimately taking on a role in their children's lives too. I don't want children and so it wouldn't be fair to implicate myself in their family.
You can't blame someone for not wanting that, I think it's best to be honest about your priorities from the start.
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