I cant be with you right now baby
But if you close your eyes and think
I am beside you in the kitchen..standing by the sink
I am with you in the bedroom waiting for you in my bed
Just close your eyes and think of me..relive the memories in your head
I am with u in the bathroom an unlikely place to meet
I am smiling at u playfully while you gently brush your teeth
I am your light in the darkness shining steady through and through
You only have to watch it glow to know that I am with you
I am the music that u listen to
I am there in every song
I will laugh with u and sing with u and comfort u when things go wrong
I am the wind that rustles your hair
I am that warm embrace
I am the head on your shoulder
I am the tender touch on your face
I am that clock gently ticking
Reminding you of the times
Weve shut the rest of the world outside
Playing hide in our own little world - yours and mine
I am the moon as it dances on the water cold and still
For i have loved you always and I know i always will
Though u may not see me physically
As you live your life each day
Just close your eyes and think of me
I will not be far away

I like it. If it were a poem I'd written, I'd be inclined to throw out the kitchen sink and the bathroom. I'd leave in the bedroom, tho!
To my ear, the repetitive 'I am' grates a bit, so - for example the lines,
I am the wind that rustles your hair
I am that warm embrace
would (for me) become something like,
I am the wind that rustles your hair
That fragrant, warm embrace

You could try 2 exercises with it. First, separate all the lines and put - after each line - the reason it is there.
Then imagine you only had 10 lines, say, to write in - ask yourself what would you take out and what would you leave in.
You might find you end up with 2 poems: a lighter romantic/comedy (Pam Ayes type of poem) and the deeper love poem that many of the lines show.

Don't know if that helps or not.

You can read one of mine in Poetry & Literature, the 'Poem I wrote' thread.
(Get your own back! )
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My country is the world, and my religion is to do good.
(Thomas Paine)

haha!!!

i welcome your comments. thanks very much for the advice.

miss f x

My Literary offering to the internet dating game!


My light shines out into the darkness, the never ending black of night.
It beckons to the passing ships as they toss and turn, remain out of sight.
The waves they rise and roll and ride
And cover the boats- from me they hide
A crescendo of laughter spews back at me
From the mirky depths of the tumbling sea.

Mocked once my light shines out a second ray
To a dainty Yacht trapped out of the bay.
Out side the bay and out of my arms
But its close enough to see her charms
The sea starts to swell and my hopes arise.
As she moves in closer- the yacht -my prize
Then a skipping wave slaps her in the face
She turns around and they both embrace.
It drags her back into the sea, away from reach
Away from my light, my shore my beach.
My face is whipped by the stinging spray
The unjust sea it yells NO WAY.

I don’t give in and a third time I send
My searching light for love, for friend
It spreads out far across sulky skies
Although beaten by the weather it soars and flies
Leaping and dancing away it flits
As the sea looks on in disgust it spits
And the storm grows worse angered by the light
As if awoken again from sleep that night.
It sends back a message in its swirling tide
as the waves crash against me, reach up my side.
and out loud it howls grimly into my ear
‘Grow up you loser - you’ll find nothing here!’

I enjoyed reading it vixenqueen - I think it deserves a title tho

Well done

Excellent descriptions there bigmancoolio -


I enjoyed it

Thanks for sharing

Good job!

I liked the middle part of the poem, you played nicely with words there. To be honnest, the start of the poem is a bit special and funny, but I guess that is your style, and that's pretty cool.

You know what, its stands well on its own as a poem, but if you could maybe try to sing to with along with someone playing an instrument (guitar, piano, whatever), it could turn out to be more than you expected. If it doesn't, then at least you'd have fun trying it out.

Anyways, yeah, thanks for the share, its a nice poem, I liked it.
_________________
# Single and looking for a date
# I am 18 years old male
# I live in North London!
# I live around Hampstead Heath

i thought it was lovely vixenqueen
if i knew somebody that thought about me and loved me like that id be a happy guy.. the guy having a dig at it is missing the point.....
its what you feel

Nice advice on writing,must remember that. Love is a concept word along with God I want someone to think up other words to describe these 'concepts'

I knew someone who thought about me and loved me like that for over 40 years; just as I loved her. Yeah, a happy man.

If all you got from my post was 'a dig' then maybe you missed the point.[/quote]

i understand that you are giving advice but surely poetry is what you feel not how it should be done, its creative wrighting, its the actual content and the meaning.

wow 40 years is long must have been something special

That poem made me smile both happily and sadly :]
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-In order to be irriplaceable, one must always be different-

I was going to write you a poem missbo, but no words could do you justice.