Well I took a kicking, i'll admit. But I'm not embarrassed and i'm not ashamed. I was heavily outnumbered and I fought like a fucking spartan and went down like a warrior.

It all happened Thursday evening. i went along to the local Games Workshop with my mate Stevie G (this is Steven Gaylard my mate who I mentioned in a previous thread, not Gerrard before you all take the piss). It was games night and there was a big tournement going on. I, being quite a good warhammer 40k player myself decided to take along my Ork army to do battle with. One thing I always like is how superior i feel in the games workshop. I am always the biggest and hardest looking guy there and this night I went along in my bodybuilding vest to intimidate the other player (who was playing Eldar). After a few turns he killed my Ork warlord and there was a dispute over rules and line of sight. This nerdy little kid I was playing was a right arrogant prick and kept singing "I'm sooo dangerous" every time he threw the dice and going "boom boom pow" whenever he rolled a six ... the cunt.

When he decided he killed my ork warlord I lost the plot and swept all the miniatures off the table with my arms and sent all the stuff flying around the store. People went ballistic as I'd done a lot of damage. The staff were shouting at me and the kid I was playing looked mortified as his Eldar army was almost entirely broken. The staff were shouting at me to leave and this kid had tears in his eyes and screaming at me to pay for the damage i made. Without thinking I swung a punch and hit him right in the nose. Blood went everywhere and his gay little glasses flew off his stupid gay face.

After that the store erupted into violence. The staff and hobbyists were going mad swinging at me and I was swinging back and dropping nerd after nerd with marry off huge bombs from each hand. But then one nerd must of thrown a very large metal miniature of a Greater Daemon of Khorne that hit me at the base of the back of the skull. I went down dazed and fought my hardest to retain my consiousness. But the kicks and stamps from everyone in the store were coming in constantly and my body was going through hell. I lost four teeth my cheekbone was shattered and my ribs were cracked. My face was fucked and eventually I passed out.

I woke up face down on the floor outside the store as a team of paramedics were aiding me. I was dead pissed off still, and even though I was extremely injured I tried to break free so I could attack the store again. I punched a female paramedic that was trying to restrain me in the face to get free and was then held down and restrained until the police were called.

I was given medical attention for my wounds and then taken to the cells for my assault on the paramedic. In the morining I was let out on bail and was still fuming and wanted revenge. I got a taxi from the station, covered in cuts, bruises, blood, dirt and torn clothes up to town where the games workshop was. I bought 6 cans of tenants super and got paraletic on them. Then when I was all fired up I marched back down to the games workshop shouting and screaming. It was quite early and there were just a couple of staff in there and a family sat there painting models.

I charged at the store from over the road and threw a half drunk can through the door. Unfortunately I slipped cos I was drunk and fell face down over the curb which gave a member of staff enough time to lock the shop door. So I started kicking and punching the glass front of the store. I found a few rocks nearby and started pelting the glass with rocks. It cracked all the glass but it didn't go through properly. I picked up a bin and threw that at the door too and grabbed an umbrella off an old woman and started smashing the door with that as well. I was kicking and kicking and throwing everything I could at the glass window and door of the shop. And just as the glass properly went through I was tackled from behind by two police officers and arrested again and taken straight back to the cells.

After spending the night in the cells for a second time I was finally let free due to a very good solicitor and was told I was in extremely bad trouble now and that i may even be lookign at prison. Therefore I have to remain on my best behaviour until I go back and make bail.

So all in all, yeah I was knocked out and yeah I took a kicking but marry me did I cause some damage on the way and let it never be said that Lee doesn't go down without a fight. That shop probably is in mortal terror of the day I return.

Where did you learn to write stuff like that? You are a comic genius!!

Get on stage ASAP

I agree this is some good writing! and extremely entertaining to! I cracked up probs for the wrong reasons tho!

What I want to know is where was Stevie G when all this happening? Another tactical exit through the fire exit?
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I'm a humble person...I'm really much greater than I think I am!

I'd like to think he was trying to give tactical advice from behind the Lord of the Rings models.
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Vidi Vici Veni

I got in touch with my feminine side. She emailed me back saying if I ever contacted her again she'd call the police.

Yeah I was pretty embarrassed to say it but I think Stevie must have made a tactical exit while it was all kicking off. He gets excited at the thought of smashing people up but gets a bit nervous when the time comes.

You need to get a publishing deal.

But you will need to deny everything when you get asked if you think whether you've been overtly influenced by Brett Easton Ellis.

cagefighterlee...

American Psycho is a (midly notorious) satirical psychological thriller written by the American novelist Brett Easton Ellis.

The novel was adapted for a 2000 film starring Christian Bale in the lead role. Other Ellis novels have also been made into films, including Less Than Zero, and The Rules of Attraction.

I mention Ellis' work since I enjoy your writing, which bears some resemblance, and if you're going to write in such a style you might like to look it up.

Keep up the excellent work!

Love it! Fight Club meets Games Workshop...yep, sod that macho crap about the 'first rule,' it's good to talk about it.

Good spot whysoserious1983.

I'd completely forgotten about The Informers.

Personally, I think the film adaptation of Less Than Zero was the only reasonable reflection of one of Ellis' novels.

Eek, saw 'The Informers' at the weekend, is pretty good, but forgetable...well methinks it will be. Though I haven't read it. Shiny, plastic, the emptiness, social canibalisim, constrictions, isolation, drugs and the trapped's own addictive loveless relationships, self deception of also ran celebrity, an impending sense of doom. Hmmmm yuuummy

Kinda timely but, being the 80's they don't have mobile phones, prozac, celebrity rebirths/adoptions, and good old social network sites to save them from each other!! Ellis at it agian, making the vacuous and light, heavy - by the steely take on hedonism which tells exactly the weight of whats missing - suppose that's the 'informing'

Did really like American Pyscho as well, but this has none of the 'humour' of that character. But has the 'surprise' of Rhys Ifans plays a rock star hipsster again!

Anyway...cagefighter's Games Workshop Ruckus is the star here. Keep slugging the comedy bombs!!
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"The tighter you grasp Lord Vader, the more it will slip through your fingers."

It was a cold December evening a few years ago, and me and my mate Dobbo were at the local stamp collecting club. It's held every first Saturday of the month and attracts many varied characters, but me and Dobbo are the hardest fucking fuckers the club will ever see. You should see the pathetic little old women lower their heads when we turn up. Shit it makes me feel like a gladiatorial monster.

Everyone was sorting through their collections and one regular, a quiet, weak little mouse of a boy was mouthing off about his 1947 special WW2 limited edition first class. That twat makes my blood boil. Everyone knows it's a fake but the little shit kept harping on about it. An animal like me can only take so much before I fucking burst and tonight it happened quicker than usual. I leapt up off my chair and flipped the table over, sending my thermos flask of weak lemon drink flying. I launched a killer combo of punches at his grinning little face and felt his cheeks collapse under my knuckles. That feeling is better than love, let me fucking tell you.

Dobbo had done a runner, so I just kicked the crap out of everyone in the room. I always get a hard on when I see the look of fear in peoples eyes as I rip my shirt off in readiness for the fight.

In no time at all, the police arrived, but the mood I was in, they needed the whole of the fucking Staffs force to tame me. You have NO IDEA how dangerous and scary I am in these situations.

After what seemed a second but was in fact about seven hours of carnage, some silly whore of a copper tasered my brain which sent me to the floor screaming like a pig armpit. I managed to de-scalp her as I fell though. One nil, bitch.

The stupid arseholes in court let me off, as the Judge said he was shit scared of me and didn't want any comeback. I burned his house down and shit in his wig anyway though, just because I enjoy the feeling of reducing someone to FUCKING ASHES.

Jeez, I'm an ANIMAL. Hear my roar. I repeat, AN ANIMAL.