Some days I can be really happy and cheerful other days I wake up and a black blanket of despair covers my heart and mind and i dont want to see or speak to anyone and just want the pain to stop. The doc says I have clinical depression due to a past incident. Should I be looking to date or sort myself out first cos is it fair on the person your dating? I would be interested to read all views on the subject esp those who have dated a depressed person

I guess it would depend on how serious you are in relation to dating.

If you are looking for a long term partner I would suggest that you wait until you feel stronger in yourself as the strong emotions you may feel for someone you want a long term relationship with may make it difficult to mend and emotional exhaust you.

My most recent ex-boyfriend would boggle my mind with his mood swings. He did have his problems, but as I was his girlfriend for about seven years I can safely say a large part of his problems were caused by him being happy to sit and wallow in them instead of pulling his finger out and dealing with them. Everything was someone else's fault and he was often too stubborn to listen to reason.

My job is extremely demanding and he simply needed too much attention from me and could not understand that I still cared for him even though I was also devoted to my job. It was physically and mentally impossible for me to manage with both demands on me.
In the end, my job made me happy and he made very unhappy so he had to go.

I'm sure it hurt him very much that I didn't choose him, but he gave me very little reason to do so.

I am not saying that his situation and yours are in anyway the same. What I'm trying to say is it is best to be as content as you can within yourself before you enter into a serious relationship with anyone.

I guess you will have to see for yourself how you would feel engaging in anything less serious - unless there is anyone else who can give advice.

If the person you're dating knows about your condition in advance then there it is the choice of the person that you're dating to get involved.

I'd probably recommend you work what you enjoy doing, with plenty of excuses for exercise, and plan your dating around that. Soaking up some culture at a gallery or seeing some architecture can remind you of life's wider, creative aspects.

Going for walking in public places could provide you with the kind of 'starter' exercise that could even help you shake the depression itself.

Always meet people you've found via the internet as carefully as possible and try to ensure that any potential date is not planning to exploit you.

You probably need good company and human warmth rather than someone seeking just nice love.

And, yes, my speciality of cryptic advice does come with side-salads!

If you have clinical depression caused by a past incident, then theoretically it can be 'cured'.
If it were a mental illness like manic depression (bi-polar) or the result of a head injury, even then the correct medication could help.
The point being, depending on the incident that caused the depression, what happens if you find yourself in a similar situation again? With a new partner?
It takes a very strong person to cope with anothers mood swings, the highs as well as the lows (with a son with manic depression, I know the highs are just as difficult as the lows!).
I seem to 'go for' depressive people.
My ex husband was always threatening suicide, in the end it was me who tried (how ironic!) and the guy I just came out of a relationship in the end was too depressed to bother with us anymore, so I had to walk away.
I couldnt cope with it in the end.
AS Choochi0 said, it would surely be very hard for you to put your all into a new relationship that needs alot of mental and physical energy.
I know from experience, starting out its hard to meet someone who from first off is willing or is understanding enough to even contemplate starting a relationship with someone who cant be bothered to make the effort required from the word go.....its like trying to run uphill with lead boots on.

Be warned as well - oftentimes, a person who is aware of your issues/depression from the word go and is willing to give it a go can sometimes be very needy, ie needs to be depended on, needs to be caretaker etc.

I probably ought to clarify that I'm someone who has largely recovered from depression.

Getting active, being prepared to walk away from very negative situations with no resolution, seeking voluntary work, setting myself goals, walking, cycling and gradually returning to paid work all helped me recover.

I'm lucky because, as a well-educated lateral thinker, I can generally think of a large number of different ways to break out of vicious circles.

I've talked about my tale of woe elsewhere on these forums but it did start in Kent, which I grew to consider as ghetto that I was able to escape through education. It was hard work but worth it.

Depressed people should be aware that recovery can come in stages, for it can take a partial recovery for people to see their way to the next stage and so on until your self-confidence grows and your outlook brightens.

Myself I have found that when I am in the deep pit it is almost impossible to even begin to make the effort to start taking steps out of it.
You have to come out of it enough to make that first move, even if thats just getting out of bed and going for a walk; severe depression can cause you to just lay there under the duvet.
Those are the times that an understanding friend who is willing to be proactive on your behalf (ie give me a boot up the bottom and *force* me to get outta bed!) is worth their weight in gold.
When I said I tend to go for depressive people, I didnt really mean that in that I myself tend toward depression too which is why I find others hard to cope with sometimes.
On the other hand, helping others lift their spirits can also make me feel good about myself....

I was going to ask this question but I was afraid to because I did originally use this forum/site for dating and didn't want to put anyone off me but I guess its way too late for that now anyway

I've been clinically depressed since I was about 3 years old. I suffered some very severe bullying and abuse for most of my childhood and even as an adult a few times. The mental scaring is pretty deep and although I would to think one day I could be free from my depression I know most likely I never will. Due to my past I also have bad confidence and self esteem issues.

Like others have already said, it seems people in my situation rarely find a happy and stable relationship and some times I also wonder if it would be fair on anyone else if I even bother looking for one.

I have been single all my life, I turn 30 in January and I have come to realise I may be single for the rest of my life.

Some people may wonder in my situation what the point in going on would be but for me, I am a very nice, honest, good and understanding person who has many friends who love and care for me. I am happy with this and have a very loving long term relationship with music that keeps me going.

I am babbling and not sure where i'm going with this, I may pick it up again later. Was going to ask a question but i've kind of lost my way with this post

Erm.......

Thanks for helpful advice, the incident i referred to was my fathers suicide, he hanged himself early last year and ive never been able to come to terms with it and have had all the emotions from grief to anger back round the circle etc. ive had bereavement counselling which helped a lot and have some couinselling and medication now. im sort of seeing a guy but its not a good situation and hes not always available and i would hate to date somebody who viewed me as a case full of woes etc, my natural personality is bubbly and cheerful and i talk a heck of a lot, 2 much, but its just those days some people have said where you literally cannot get from your bed. i suppose a bf would have to understand if days i felt like that just to give me the space etc but then i suppose i feel guilty. anyhow interesting advice tyvm.

I think that a history of depression can be just like any other potential negative when it comes to a stable relationship. For people are complex and people's histories are complex too.

For some people a failure to appreciate Abba, football and/or ball room dancing could be a more important deal-breaker in a potential partner.

Think about what you can offer in a relationship, don't dwell on the negatives but don't try to hush them up either. Other people deserve to make an informed choice and an early "no" can save a lot of heartache compared to an ill-considered "yes".

Sweet Jodie, Ann Marie probably has more understanding of what you are going through than I because I've not lost my father, although I have lost loved ones, 2 very recently, but what I will say, is *please* dont feel guilty about how you feel, your down days etc. You have every right to that, and if anyone whatsoever does not respect that, show them the door! Big hugs to you. xx

Hi Jodie, my recent ex (who I was with for 4 years) has gone through the same thing as yourself and Ann Marie. I can't begin to imagine what you both have been through but what I would say is tell your other half. Let them know what has happened, they will then hopefully understand that things wil not be perfect every single day, they will understand that small things will act as memories, they will give you space when you require it and will be there to support you when you need it. They will do all of this because they love YOU and not because they think it is something that needs doing.

I apologise about being very innarticulate as am a bit drunk but what I am trying to say is don't bottle up everything to yourself, anyone who cares about you (friends or boyfriends) should be there for you.

I will try and post something a bit more coherinent when I sobre uo tomorrow.