I suffered similarly with my father and upto the age of 18 isnt a life I care to remember.

Im sure I could have done with some counseling, i counselled myself, prob why ive turned out a bit eccentric but i know my own value and I dont measure myself to anyone else. I have my own explanations for "me" and reasons for doing or not doing things. Im happy living my own life in my own way, sure it makes it harder to find someone compatible but i always had blind faith and patience that it would happen and it did

The stuff you've written, if this is going round in your head all day its no wonder that you cant sleep properly. You need time to ponder. walking to work/uni is good for this. i've walked 35 mins to work for 12 years. Travelling is time to think. Well i dont know about driving and thinking but walking or public transport is good for thinking.

The important thing to know about pondering is someimes there are no explanations or answers. As much as you can construct reasoning for things sometimes you've explorered all the possibilites and still no answer. You have to let go of these questions. no answer is still an answer.

Seems like you've found your way onto the path to enlightenment, it takes time, years, you've identified how your relationship fell apart and why. The core being loneliness. You have to keep going back, like peeling off the layers of the onion. You can't go forward until you've gotten all the way back to the beginning. Which ultimately is your father and your childhood. Seems like you've to gotten down to some of that too. A honest conversation with him has revealed a lot. In some ways you both have the same problems but with enlightenment comes forgiveness and responsibility You have to forgive him for the past. Also you have keep telling him what his worth to you is. To help you and be there when things are tough and that his life experiences are still valuable. The value of the support of a parent in a crisis is priceless.
Its not about changing people its about making them understand. knowledge is power.

Words have value; knowledge has value.

It seems wrong that you have to be the one to help your father; thats the responsibility of enlightenment. I wonder tho if the core of your loneliness is that you felt isolated from your family. If you can repair the relationship with your father perhaps that will fix that too.

I forgive my parents for the way they treated me. Its the way they were brought up. These days I'll tell my mother when she's complaining too much,
like be happy that i've tidyed up, which i dont do often, and not be pointing out what i've missed. In the past i would have just been pissed that nothing was ever good enough. I realise now not being honest about how i felt meant they didnt know they were doing anything 'wrong'.

anyways this is just what i think. some ppl may not agree...im not great at getting stuff out my head in a coherent manner its taken hours ho hum. luckily i dont have to go to work tomorrow so it dont matter. words matter. ideas matter

Well its good thing I dropped in .My friend that was suicidal is coming to England her brother passed away in London from brain cancer.But this guy looks like he needs my help.Hello Michael Im Katherine from the US.and one thing before you can move forward is know you are not alone in this.An abused person will relive this over and over its like we are in a war and we carry the trauma around yet.And it will be inside our head maybe not all the time but alot of it.It takes away our enjoying things and it takes away our trust.Sooner than later it takes away the one we love .I AM ONE WHO BROKE THE CYCLE U SPEAK OF BUT IT COST SO MUCH ME TO DO IT.

i was abused in my childhood I never got to be a child so much pain was forced upon me.So much so I begin to walk in my sleep,had ulcer by 16.From having abusive childhood its going to lead you into abusive relationships,as it did me.And in order to break the chain you have to take control you are one who can ask your dad the questions thats running around in your head,why.Being the main one.You have to take hold because regardless of what you have been thru you have to think of the child that is yours coming into this world.And you dont want him to ever have the life that you had growing up.The one thing you must do is forgive then you will begin to heal.From the healing you will be stronger and you didnt say so but can I ask do you seek out abusive women maybe not in beating you up with their fists then with the things they say.This would be a given seeing as you came from abuse.Oh I work with abuse victims helping them to get away,and I DO FEEL YOU AND UNDERSTAND TO WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM.I HOPE THAT I CAN HELP YOU.

Not looking at where a parent is coming from, and in turn not learning to forgive them, can eat you up. I know, because I refuse even to look at why my mum is the way she is. I don't want to forgive her. I've worked hard and gone through heaps loads of crap to be the person I am now, and I did it without her. Ok, I could look at it as being that I wouldn't be the strong person I am if I hadn't had my past experiences, but I don't believe that anymore. People are strong regardless of their experiences. Had I not spent so many years fighting fears, barriers, the trauma of abuse, both sexual and verbal, and my painful shyness, i could have been using that strength elsewhere.

I'm at a point now at the age of 40, where I should/could have been 15-20 years ago.

Some of this I JUST READ MADE ME SO SAD.I was abused from 6 and up,and if someone can be on here and say they handle it ,bull.I NEVER HAD NO ONE TOO TELL TO TALK TO.aND IT IN TURN AFFECTED ME AFTER i was grown.You dont go off to battle and not come back touched in some way.Be it low self esteem,or getting into abusive relationships.We as children look to being loved kissed or hugged.And when we dont get that its like we are offtrack somethings not right.There is no comprehension when we are young no putting it down to abuse,we think what is it I HAVE DONE.aS YOU GROW OLDER YOU BECOME CONDITIONED TO IT BUT THAT NEVER MAKES IT RIGHT.As you grow older if you donnt get it out you it will eat you up inside.IHAVEDEALT WITH NUMEROUS CASES ALOT BEING ABUSED AT EARLY AGE.aND AS STATISTICS STATE BUT DONT ALWAYS HOLD TRUE IF YOU ARE ABUSED YOU IN TURN WILL ABUSE.AndRed I so agree with u we have to aknowledge that we are strong and can rise above it.

Hey All,

I have just read through all of your comments and I truely appreciate all your support, it may seem rather soppy...but this is the first time that I feel a part of a community, somewhere that I could share my problem with other people who are COMPLETELY neutral, where it's not your day job.

This makes the comments and help from you all very precious and it holds a certain amount of truth, in each of your own ways.

I want to go back to a comment made by ky, I totally agree with you when you mention the fact that I fall into abusive relationships, but I do think that it is within my perception that it leads to becoming abusive...in the way that I perceive factors and actions as a direct and abusive action towards me and then this in turn sets off a number of thoughts, triggering a lock down and 'shut-out' within me and then it spirals and progresses from there...leading to a defence mechanism within me and usually a form of verbal abuse upon my part because I believe that I have been abused from the other party in the relationship.

But imho I do think that I have very low self- worth and I constantly ponder when I look at beautiful women and women that I'm interested in: "What do I have to offer, that another man can't give them, and more?" This is a continuous reoccuring thought in my head, but this is slowly and tenderly being dealt with, as I realise that people actually want to talk to me and want me to get involved, and now I'm beginning to realise that I do have something to offer people, although I'm not quite sure what it is, I know that there is something.

That's all for today..as I have to get to work and get reasy...please leave replies if you wish...

Cheers

Mike

Michael when we are growing up we are dependant upon our parents or the one taking care of us for certain things when we dont get them such as caring,hugs,kisses,plain old affection.Then we are lacking in it.There is called a thing called setting the mold I M not sure you know what Im speaking of but Ill try explain it.They say from time from age of three is so important in growth of a person,these are ones that cement who you are,who u are going to be.If during this period you are shown love then you will feel love be able to give it out also.But if you are denied it not shown affection,it is going to make you grow up to be scared,so low on things around you with no hope of ever being happy.I was one these I speak of I was one the ones who was never showed that u should love above all else,I was made to feel empty inside,feeling why was I here.And in time I reached out for whatever love I could find its a mechanism within us that triggers us to pull it up or we dont,and it isnt within your perception,it is wghat we have been shown.

and those doubts pop up,what am I DOING,YOU DONT WANT EVER FOR YOUR CHILD TO EVER GO THRU WHAT U DID.bUT YOU KNOW WHAT mICHAEL, it will make you a better person and a step above being a parent cause u took thaty walk in hell that no child should ever see.And you are so determined your child will not be this way.Never doubt you will be a good parent cause you will be better than what you got.As for finding the right one it will happen,you have to find someone who can share all of it all,I know you can feel me.

AND YES WE SHUT OURSELF DOWN WHEN WE EVEN THINK WE ARE BEING ABUSED.But the one thing we cant always want to shut down,sommetimes we have stay open we might miss the something that we might have liked.But therein it lies who to trust can I ever trust myself again.Its a battle we will keep on remembering thoughts that are never going to ever go away,nightmares we are going to keep having.The one important thing is remember dont lose you.Y ou are a survivor a cut above the rest.May you keep on being this kind soul never be bittercause of it or question yourself.Above all keep holding yourself up .

Yes Red even now Im so insecure its just that we not feeling it deep inside us does matter when we are young.Sometimes we can fool ourselves into thinking we are happy but in reality we are not itss in those early years when a person is molded if you are given love hugs,kisses you are going to be more secure more sure.I f I HAD ONE WISH i could be granted I WOULD LOVE TO FEEL SAFE,it was taken from me as a child and I grew up missing a vital link,no matter how much love you are given after these are the most important.In order to grow up a healthy person I DONT MEAN PHYSICALLY,BUT i mean to be safe not be alone you have to have had it onboard when u were just starting to grow up.I t makes sense they always tell u mother needs to bond with their child that this is important to the growth well developement of a child.And Im strong believer and course I was one them was denied this simple thing that being said no matter how much you are loved or been loved,you still never feel the comfort that should been giving you,the secure,safe never alone feeling.Red somhow you felt knew it was different in your heart and that is what makes the difference.

Even though you were treated good and loved there there is nothing like the love of a mother,you had just been molded startng sharing that part of u it was snatched away from you,and I BET YOU NEVER GOT IT BACK,THERE COMES IN THE ALONE FEELING,THE FEELING OF NEVER REALLY BEING SECURE.bECAUSE YOU WERE ALWAYS CARRYING AROUND WITH YOU THOSE LOST YEARS