Hey people,

My first post here and I was just looking for some general advice really!!

I'm a single male and have been since end of September when I broke it off with my fiance of 6 months. She is also carrying my unborn child, due on 22nd Feb 07.

I'm going through a lot of emotional turmoil atm because I've moved back home as a result of all these problems.

I'm at uni atm in my final year and this is really tough and the pressure is on, my finances are in a really bad shape as well and I have to work 25 hours to get some normality back into them. So I'm doing at least 25 hours paid work, 25 hours uni work and 14 hours travelling, all in a week add sleeping to this and I have very little free time left.

My paid work is good and they really respect my uni course and I have the absolute confidence required to do my job and I feel in control here as well. I try to realise what I am doing here and take it into the 'real world' as well...but it doesn't seem to happen.

I'm stressing out big time also. The main reasons why i'm stressing are:

1. I have had no contact since I split with ex- fiance as she took me through police action for ABH, which was dropped...but now I'm in a quandry as what to do regards my unborn baby...the last thing she said was to never talk to her again?!?!?

2. Working at Asda and doing all the uni work is leaving me with bery little free time to do anything and even when I allocate free time for myself, I feel guilty when I partake in it because I feel like I'm not doing uni work when I could be...this forces me not to enjoy my leisure pursuits or over- compensate by getting rat- arsed when I go out.

3. I have a lot of emotional trauma from my childhood as I'm from a single- parent family and feel that I have never lived up to my father's expectations and this was re-inforced with violence (hitting and shouting) if I frustrated him too much! I now live at home with him and still cannot forgive him as I have tried to help him realise that life isn't so bad as he also suffers from extreme childhood trauma and a bitterness of the whole world.

4. I'm also feeling like an insomniac as very rarely I cannot get to sleep before midnight when really I should be to get the required 7 hours of sleep as per recommendations, this usually leaves me with less sleep and I usually feel effortless in the mornings and through the beginnings of the days.

This all culminates in a severe lack of self- confidence and low self- esteem, which in turn makes me look at my self- worth as extremely low. This also impacts on my socialising abilities as I feel that I don't have anything to offer for anything in the social networks.

This seems likea major issue to me and I'm extremely glad that I know what is affecting me...I try to vision myself somewhere but I cannot touch that vision...a doubt creeps into my mind or something tells me not to take the risk...which leaves me very unhappy and feelings of lower confidence.

I want to break this cycle and I feel that I can, I can be stronger than I am but I think I need some help.

Advice would be appreciated...I'm so glad there is a community out there to support people in these situations.

I thank you all in advance for any advice that you give...it will be very much appreciated...any useful websites/ links would also help greatly...

Mike x

First of all reguarding your child to be you will have rights as the father to see your child reguardless of your situation with your ex. She cannot legally deny you access unless she has a court order restraining you. My best advice if she tries to stop you is to see a family solicitor. I would imagine you would be able to get legal aid due to your circumstances.

Point 2. Everyone needs some down time. You cant expect to work solidily for every waking hour you have. Go out, unwind, see friends even if its just once a week. Allocate some 'you' time and just chill.


Point 3. Maybe its about time you both seeked profesional advice. Carrying this around with you and being in close proximity to your father by living there obviously is very unhealthy for you both. Have you no other option than to live there?

Point 4. I suffer from imsomnia, I rarely get more than 5 hours a night. I take sleeping tablets when its really bad, could be something worth looking at just for the short term for as your other problems hopefully get sorted you will become more relaxed and feel the need to sleep more.

It sounds like your blaming everything on yourself, try not to, look at each situation your dealing with and deceide with takes prority as to getting it sorted, then deal with this one thing first. Dont try and do it all at once, you sound as if you wont cope with it at the moment, but once you have one thing crossed off your list your confidence will get a boost and you'll feel stronger to move on and tackle the next.

Hope this helps.

Good luck.

Sorry to hear how rough things are Mike. I can empathise with the situation with your father and can only reiterate what has been said. You won't resolve what there is between you both whilst still living with him.

And the only suggestion I had regarding counselling, you've mentioned... going to see the uni's counsellor.

You won't sort yourself overnight, but if you take things one at a time, you'll get there eventually.

Good luck

Sorry to hear how rough things are Mike. I can empathise with the situation with your father and can only reiterate what has been said. You won't resolve what there is between you both whilst still living with him.

And the only suggestion I had regarding counselling, you've mentioned... going to see the uni's counsellor.

You won't sort yourself overnight, but if you take things one at a time, you'll get there eventually.

Good luck

It certainly sounds like you have a lot to deal with and so far what people have said makes sense. I have just a couple of thoughts on it.

Spare time. Don't feel guilty in taking this. You need it, by taking it you are making your work during work time better thereby compensating for the time taken off.

If you're going out and getting overly hammered. Take a set amount of money with you, leave your cards at home and instruct your mates not to lend you any. That way you can't have too much unless you get them free somehow

Universities have counselors yes. How much use they are is up to you. You have to learn to trust them and be completely honest. It never worked for me. Make sure your course tutor is aware that you're going through touch times and if necessary don't feel you can't ask for extra time. My ex had the attitude that she didn't want it if she couldn't do it 'without help' but couldn't understand that the extra time wasn't extra help. It was compensating for lost time due to circumstances beyond her control.

If it all goes to pot completely (worst case scenario), drop out of the year just before the end and repeat. If you know your results are going to suffer it is better to do this than fail and repeat because a fail and repeat limits the maximum mark you can get whereas a dropout/repeat is treated as though you're coming back to it for the first time. Hopefully it won't come to that though!

Universities can also provide financial aid, sometimes even hardship grants though the year's funds may be used up by now but it is always worth asking.

To the sleep problems, this goes back to the counseling. They will have plenty of information that they can give you on tips to help yourself sleep better. Things like developing a routine that leads you to bed time. Personally when I have trouble sleeping it is due to stuff running round my head. You have to fill your head with something simple that doesn't require much effort. I visualise numbers slowly. Start at 1 and count upwards tracing the outline of the shape - maybe even 3D until you can see the whole image. If you interrupt the process and start thinking about other things, force yourself back to the numbers and start again.

I've heard of people basically running a play or film through in their head too. There's any number of variations just as long as it completely distracts you from whatever is keeping you awake.

Well people...since I have written on here in the early hours of this morning...I have had a rough day at work and feeling pretty rubbish until I went to see members of my family.

I came home to my dad at 8pm and we got into a debate of some sorts and then I twisted it around and took control of the situation, so that I could open up and tell my dad exactly what is going on and I think we have turned a little corner.

I have always been pretty afraid of how my dad would react if I told him how I really feel...but tonight I feel that it may have just got through...I feel somewhat better talking to him than I usually do.

It appears that he doesn't want my life to be ruined and he has a bigger agenda in getting our family generations to progress and he sees my generation as the "big" generation where there are no real worries and we have the ultimate support of everyone. I think he somewhat idolises me and lends my support and money when things are going pear- shaped because he wants me to make something of the family and I have the best opportunity.

This has finally been revealed to me and now I understand why he has been how he has been to me all these years, it doesn't make it right...but I'm beginning to appreciate the real reasons for his behaviour. He sees himself as a failure and useless and when I mess up, he sees a repeat of himself happening and he doesn't want that, as he knows how unhappy and lonely he is and he doesn't feel much need for living as he has no self- worth anymore.

I plan not to argue with him and try and change him either...I have tried to change him because I see myself in him and I don't want to be unhappy, sad, lonely and depressed like him...so I tried to change his life so that it would reflect a better picture of him and ultimately what I'd be like when I age. I now realise this is very false and I am unique and I won't end up like him, I think that this has been a major barrier to overcome and I'm glad that I have grasped this concept now!

Let's see how it gets on...I still intend to possibly move out in February...the earliest opportunity I have and I do plan to take extenuating circumstances to get extensions on deadlines if possible so that I can cope with my pressures.

Thanks for all your advice...you have been ever so helpful and it's nice to talk to different people about their experiences and advice...you people have made a young fragile man very happy and contented...thank you once again

Mike