Never eat a banana at work while making eye contact.

hmn... here's some more...

Don't slip over on her banana's skin, whilst keeping the eye contact.
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Never put Epsom Salts in a Pianist's coffee 3 hours before their recital...

Never try to masturbate whilst wearing a condom; you'll wake the whole neighbourhood.

If you're going to fire air rifle pellets at a passing carnival, always aim for the juggler's balls...

make love not war

Never argue that the risk of an asteroid hitting the Earth is a load of old cobblers when you know what the Shoemaker-Levy comet did to Jupiter...

Never disbelieve that there may just be intelligent life surviving in asteroids; with discreetly made bases built under the surface, so that they are able to accomplish interstellar travel!!!

always floss & rinse afterwards......

Always have a pre-nup' drawn up so that if your future spouse is ever known to lie about anything (even the trivial), omit/deceive on anything, sneak, cheat, flirt, comment on pop singers looks or do literally anything at all that you find disagreeable, that you reserve the right via the pre-nup' to inject them with half a litre of brake fluid into a main artery... and then watch them dance. This sorts the wheat from the chaff every time and protects your peace of mind and their fidelity for life.

Don't eat yellow snow.

never take a laxative and a sleeping tablet together

Never lose a professional fight. If you think you're going to lose, do something to get disqualified.

The speed of time is one-second per second.

If you go to a toilet for a crap always pull your underwear and trousers down first...