New years eve I was standing at the bar in my local pub with some mates, the disco was blaring and some women were dancing. When suddenly a women [probably late 30's], grabbed hold of my hand and dragged me on the dance floor. I told her I didn't want to go, but she wouldn't have it so I reluctantly jigged about in front of her. Not easy when you're nearly 20 stones lol.

When the record stopped I had a little chat with her [very little] and stood at the bar again. Couple tunes later she grabbed my hand and dragged me back again. Not easy for me as I'm fairly self conscience being fat. When the music stopped I had a little chat with her and a couple mates being nosey joined us, and a mate started dancing with one of her mates.

Slow dance came and she dragged me on the dance floor and we started smooching, and as we were chatting and dancing, I thought I'd slowly put me leg in between hers to see how she reacts, but she didn't stop me but looked into my eyes while I gently moved my leg inside hers, as we were chatting. We stayed together as a group the rest of the night.

When the night finished I said I'd meet her next week in the pub [this weekend], not as a date but if she was in there. But I didn't go.

The next morning [New years day] I was really p**sed off that I didn't get her contact details. Which is the same old story with me. It didn't bother me 20 years ago, but is getting to me now.
Although I did get the email address from someone I haven't seen for years.

Its really got to me this week. I know why I do it and probably need therapy lol

Just wanted to get it off my chest.

Awww thats such a nice thing to share, many a time i have regretted things too that happened in the past but these days i'm a lot more confident & I give things a go, as you have to take chances in life or you will never get anywhere.

I have learned from past mistakes but no more.
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Oh Jeg!!!
She was probably waiting for you to say i would like to see you again. No one grabs a guy up for a few dances on one night, including a smoochy one, if she's not interested!! And did you go out tonight/last night and was she there?? Keep going out until you find her again, you'll find her if it was meant to be.

Just go for it. What have you got to lose? I went for it tonight and had a nice result not sure if it will go anywhere as there are 'complications' but i had a bloody good time, all the same.

We're all here cause most of us have nothing to lose. Ok we might get a few knock backs but we dust ourselves down and go on to tomorrow.

Get out there babes!!!

If it's really bothered you that much then Jeg, you have to keep going back to that pub until you see her again..how will you know what could happen unless you make an effort (assuming you do, after what you said)

Bex is right, if you do find her, and she shows no interest, then dust yourself off, and get yourself back out there..Good luck to ya, oh and do fill us in, you know what a nosy bunch us Fb'ers are

Thanks for the replies ladies, but its not really about this women. But its a reoccurring problem I've had for over 25 years, and will probably happen again. I often start chatting to a women in a pub/club, chat to her all night but will not ask her for a date, or her contact details. Didn't bother me 20 years ago when I was out every night, but now I'm getting old and with loneliness looming, it is getting to me a bit. Indeed I have probably missed out on loads of dates over the years because of it. Its never bothered me in the past because I have always known loads of women. But now I don't want to go out as much as I did, it is starting to get to me.


To be honest, if I do meet this women again I still probably wont ask her for a date but opt for just sex if she's up for it. If not move on lol
This is the way I have lived my life, and my past is probably haunting me now. I have never led women on though, and certainly not claiming to be a stud lol
But I would like to wine and dine a women, I haven't done enough of that in the past.

The women I got the email address form was a women I turned down sex with 15 years ago. Mainly because she was living with my mate at the time. So I might email her now lol.

I think its now a case of my past catching up and haunting me now

Know what you mean Jegs..always feel a little deflated myself after a night out, especially if I have met someone and danced the night away with them.

But for me it's the opposite..I back off once they show any more interest than I want them to ( and I never lead them on in any way) the usual 100ft brick wall slams them right in the face, something I'm trying to work on...but like you say past relationships, marriage in my case comes back to haunt ya..

Now I'm getting older, I realise I can't continue like I am..otherwise my future will become very lonely..There's a violin playing somewhere hehe..

Trust is obviously the big issue for me, so I stop myself from getting too close so I don't get hurt again..Been divorced a long time, and never had a 'proper' relationship since..

But I do realise I can't tar all men with the same brush..

Alas..still lot's of fun to be had for us all..and who knows what's waiting for us around the corner...

well, you obviously still got the moves Jeg! which is more than i can say for myself lol

So i wouldnt throw in the towel just yet Maybe you will see her in there again and then just go for it.

i agree with the others. go back to the pub/club a few times, she might be doing the same just in case you are going there still. its a long shot but you never know,it beats another night of telly or internet...

sounds like you need to face up to whatever it is that stops you asking for dates though, if you are ever going to get past the problem...

The reason I posted this is because I've always had the opinion, no matter what your problem is there will always be someone else with a similar problem.
I posted this on another site and a women messaged me, and what she said in her message seems to be similar to my problem. She has had counciling for it, and she has said I can chat to her. So I'll see how that progresses.

susiexxx wrote:

Trust is obviously the big issue for me, so I stop myself from getting too close so I don't get hurt again..Been divorced a long time, and never had a 'proper' relationship since.. But I do realise I can't tar all men with the same brush.. Alas..still lot's of fun to be had for us all..and who knows what's waiting for us around the corner...

Leglover227 wrote:

well, you obviously still got the moves Jeg! which is more than i can say for myself lol So i wouldnt throw in the towel just yet Maybe you will see her in there again and then just go for it.

I paid for it the next day..I was knackered I think I'll have to put my dancing days behind me

As I said its not about this women, there will be others. But as Susie said above, I also back off when a women starts getting too friendly. As I've said on here before, I've never been in love, which might sound odd. i have had loads of female friends and I have had loads of women tell me they like me even love me over the years, which often makes the friendship awkward.

But as you say, I have to face up to these things and take the plunge

Hey Jeggae

From what you’ve been saying it sounds like you’re going through quite a self-reflective stage. You have clearly identified something from your childhood that is having a negative effect on your relationships, I’m guessing this has something to do with lack of attachment when you were younger. You’ve also identified being self-conscious about your weight which could partly make you feel like you don’t deserve a relationship.

The fact that you have maintained so many female friendships, proves that you are capable of having a successful relationship if that’s what you really want & I’m quite sure you’re a really nice guy.

You asked if people can change – I believe that everyone has the ability to change. The big question is “Do YOU want to change?” & Are you ready for this change?

You said in the past you were quite happy just having a shag, which is completely fine if you’re not leading anyone on like you said.

It sounds like you’re starting to desire a bit more than the ‘wham bam thank you mam’ routine but it can be hard cycle to break when that’s all you’ve known for so long. I don’t think it would be good idea to ‘force’ yourself into a relationship like you suggested.
If you broke it down into lots of small managable steps I think it would be much easier and not so scary.

Instead of going along the ‘just a shag’ or other extreme of ‘just friends’ route why not try to get balance somewhat in between? Having bit of romance without shagging at first opportunity & also getting to know each other at same time. I’m sure the right women would be more than happy to help you along the way if you explained your insecurities.

If your keen on meeting that particular women again, you should go to the pub few times like other folk suggested. You could also try gumtree missed opportunities or letter in metro.

Hopefully this is something you’ll be able to work through yourself with a little help from your friends! Heehee

But like a friend already suggested to you – if this is a really deep rooted problem it might be worth going for some counselling to support you. I’d suggest a psychodynamic based counsellor as they are specialised in working through things from your past that are affecting you now. Your GP should be able to recommend or refer you to someone in your area. Or search for accredited counsellors on: www.bacp.co.uk

Good luck

First of all, please don't worry about boring anyone - I find your posts interesting & anyone that's not interested doesn't need to read it.

I know its clichéd but maybe you should think about liking yourself more before trying to build a relationship. Sounds like you need to build on your self-esteem.

You should applaud yourself for reaching this stage in your self-development as many a person would quite happily plod on repeating this cycle in complete oblivion. You’ve already took a huge leap into yourself by being aware of it and spending lots of time thinking about the possibility of change.

Unfortunately if the mistrust issue is as deep-rooted as you say there is possibility that this will feel even worse as you relive the original mis-trust through counselling before it can become fully resolved.

I think you're more than capable of getting through this