I am heir to the throne of a small European country. My father recently passed away, but my mother immediately married my uncle, making him the King, rather than me. As if that wasn't bad enough, my father visited me as a ghost to inform me that he had actually been murdered by my uncle!

My sister's gone mad with grief and wanders around singing sad songs all day. I'm worried that she might do something stupid. And to top it all, some stupid gravediggers have dug up the skull of my favourite jester.

How on earth do I sort this one out?

kill them all, let god sort them out

Uhm I dunno... Y'all die (you duel the king, he tries to poison you, he poisons yer mom by mistake, then both you and Laertes are hit by the poisonous rapier and kill the King before you crash?) and yer sister marries and becomes Queen?

"kill them all, let god sort them out"

Stoozola, that is the finest synopsis of Hamlet that I've ever read. Have you considered a career as a theatre critic?

And Bliss23 - poisoned rapiers? I like your style.[/quote]

I have been captured by cannibals, and they intend to kill and eat me tomorrow! According to their tribal traditions, I have to make one last statement before I die. If they decide that the statement is true I will be burned at the stake. If they decide that it is false I will be boiled in oil.

What can I say to (hopefully) get out of this one?

If you say "If the statement I make is false, you will eat me", that should get you out of it.

how about, i'm a smoker, burn me and it will release all the carsenigens in my body loose to poison you, the same if you boil and eat me, they might fall for it, you never know

Oh Lord, I forgot all about this one. Where were we?

Baggiebhoy - that`s a true statement unfortunately, so I would burn at the stake.

Stoozola - fine creative thinking once again, but they`ve told me that they prefer the taste of smokers. Makes you more tender, apparently.

Any other suggestions?

[/quote]How about saying...I will die by being boiled in oil?[/quote]

Oh, she`s done it again!

I nominate Kizz to be the first Flirtbox `Brain Ninja`. If somebody would care to second me (CostaCork?) we can make it official.

I've recently been seeing a married woman. We'd was always agreed that it was just a bit of fun, and that we could both call it quits at any time and remain good friends. One proviso of our 'affair' was that if any of us started getting feelings for one another that we would end it there and then, lest it all get complicated and probably a little weird. However something happened the other day that threw all of this out of the window.

I'd visited her while her other half was away at work. Being the consummate professional, I'd parked my car a few streets away so as not to arouse suspicion and leave her neighbours asking awkward questions. We're normally pretty good with time keeping and leave nothing to chance, but on this day we were caught with our pants down. Quite literally.

The nightmare scenario had happened; her husband had come home early. Luckily he decided to unlock the front door during a bit of a lull in our fun, which gave me enough time, albeit in a blind panic, to hastily get dressed and hide in the en-suite bathroom. What I heard while I was trapped in there came as more of a shock than his early arrival.

After greeting him and going through all of the usual pleasantries without (to my ears at least) breaking a sweat she dropped the bombshell; she confessed to our affair and, to my complete and utter dismay, said that she was planning to leave him.

As you can imagine this came as quite a shock. There I was, hiding in the bathroom, in a state of sheer panic, not only because I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar, but now because she had broken the 'terms' of our affair and was planning to leave him for me, who (if I'm brutally honest) had no real feelings for her outside of the bedroom.

My head was reeling. As I listened to his shouting, closely followed by his pleas for her to stay, I noticed some mildew on the grouting surrounding the bath. Should she use an abrasive cleaner or will this damage the adjoining tiles over a long period of time?

For situations like this I always recommend a bucket mixed with one part warm water, one part lemon juice and one part vinegar.

Not only will it bring those tiles up a treat, but any leftover can be used to temporarily blind the angry husband, giving you time to scarper through the nearest exit.