Right guys and girlies

Just looking for some advice on this one if you can and I mean serious advice please cos I aint sure on what to do

Heres how it goes. My mum and dad split up about 24 years ago as my dad had met another woman who he eventually married (and no i dont like her). I havent really had much to do with my dad since i was about 13 years old (through both our choices but mainly mine). My dad had a son with his new wife. He's now 16 and i dont know if he knows anything about me and my brother. Now to make it even more complicated...my little cousin is now seeing a guy from my home town who is best mates with my little brother and is in a band with him. This was all discovered by chance last week as I picked them up from a gig that the band was playing at. I've discovered he has a Bebo account and have been on and looked at his profile a few times now.

Now im wondering what to do here?? He is my blood related little brother at the end of the day and should be allowed to know that he has other family out there. I dont know if he does but im sure he will have seen the photos etc of me and my brother at my grans and surely has asked about them sometime throughout the years?? I don't really want to get my gran involved cos she is an older lady and hasnt said much about it throughout the years and both families have been kept quite seperate (i am still close to my gran though) I dont know though so i dont know how to play this. I'm seriously contemplating sending him a message through Bebo and seeing if i get any type of response but then im wondering if thats really a good thing to do?? Hes at school and as far as i know sitting exams etc so its not really fair to put it on him at the moment. Is it really fair to put this on him at his age??

Arrrrggggghhhhh help me please

Definately wait untill his exams are over. You dont know how he will react to finding out and he doesnt need any distractions during exam time. I think he has a right to know and I can't see that there will really be any major problems arising from telling him.

Just hold out till he finishes his exams, and I would'nt have thought Bebo is really the best way of telling him, maybe a phone call....

Good luck tho

i think that it would be best to tell him after the exams are over. give him a choice so if he wants to meet up or hear from you then he can.

i think its best to tell him before u see him face to face because if someone came upto me and said they were family i would get confused. at least if he gets say an email or letter he can think thinks over and think about what questions he may want to ask you.

as long as you dont pull anyone down im sure things will work out ok.

my uncle didnt know his brother had a child till about 2 years ago. the kid is just older than me and things worked out fine and he comes down and visits now. i think you just need to give him space and let him come to you when hes ready. you know your ready or not.

Honesty is best policy always i find, timing is difficult for you tho, to have a clear conscience etc, if i was in the same position i would just 'get it all off my chest' as soon as possible when the time is right probably.
And i'm terrible at keeping secrets, or lieing
(lying? I always have a problem with spelling that for some reason )
so i just 'speak as i find' anyway, so maybe my advice is not worth much, lol.
Sorry i'm not helping much i know...

well i think you need to think about what would happen, when he found out, would he want to meet you, or he might not be interested.. and what happens with your dad, what if he wants to get into contact...

this could open up a lot of old wounds for the whole family, i would suggest speaking to you family about it first as this will prob affect them too

do you speak to your dad at all? just thinking if you spoke to him then he will be able to tell you if your brother knows etc and at what stage its best to contact him. It's a difficult one hun, i feel for you, because if it was me I would jump in there feet first, I got no patience at all. Good luck

I would definatly wait until his exams are over. But why not speak to your dad about it?

Am adopted and although i would never find my birth parents, i always wanted to know why. So i asked my dad and to my surprise he sat me down and we spoke in depth, we now seem closer, its weird but maybe the same can happen with you, maybe your father would love to have all his children together or at least know of each other, there all at that age where they can express themselves more and decide what they want.

This could be an exciting time for you.

Good luck with your dilemma.

Thanks for your advice guys. I definately wont do anything before his exams are over though cos it definately isnt fair but i do feel I have to do something. Talking to my dad isnt an option im afraid cos we dont really have much to say to each other and if i did sit and have a chat with him then there would be a few choice things I would have to say to him and right now isnt the time to do that

i think u should make contact, but after exams, the way im looking at it, ur both adults and u both have a rite 2 know each other, and if its wasnt wat the other wanted then u could say at least u tried, and if u didnt make contact, it will always be playing on ur mind, and id be thinking god forbid if nething ever happend, it would be a regret

I think you should only talk to this person if you're absolutely prepared to take the consequences. This is likely to include:

1. People being pi**ed off at you for getting involved, raking up lots of 'family past' that some members of your family will have wanted to keep buried.

2. You feel you have plenty of room in your life (time+patience) to build a relationship with someone who you may realise after a while that you don't particularly like or trust

3. You're prepared that even if you can offer the above, they may just not be interested. I'm not saying that will be the case, just that you need to be mentally prepared for that being a possible reaction.

Families are deep, dark things and I'd think carefully about consequences before doing something that might have a lasting effect on some of your existing family relationships.

Sorry if I sound pessimistic, but it's the sort of situation that could go off like a bomb and if it was me, I'd want to go into it with eyes wide open.

I agree with mark. It's a huge step, and as much as I agree with honesty, what's the point? Neither of you have known each other, you don't talk to your dad, so unless you both turn up at your grans one day, it's not likely that it'll ever come up. If ya feel you have some kind of connection, or possibly a responsiblity, just me a sorta older freind, who keeps an eye out for him.

But that's just my thoughts on the matter.

Well I finally sent a mail to him today so i will have to wait and see what happens. Needless to say I am really nervous. I am seeing it as a good sign that he accepted me as a friend on Bebo. Didnt really put too much in the mail but have left it open for him if he wants to repsond

Oh and I know for sure now that he does know about me and my brother