Ok I need to write something for my self now!
The last few years have been hard on me I decided to stop dating (lol), well it did not go as I had planned I found that im not good at saying no so even though I was not dating I dated,
The reason for this decision was well, I had a few so ill state them here
1. I wanted to stop dating psychos
You see my type of female tends to be mentally unbalanced or to put it another way the characteristics that I date tend to be destructive when in a relationship with me im not trying to pass the blame but I don’t want to take all the blame
2. I did not feel I had anything to offer
I any relationship you need to give as well as receive and I could not open up I had a mental block, I could not see the needs of my partners well that’s a lie I did not try to see the needs of my partner I was just going threw the motions of dating with out any connection I was empty inside I did not feel, you see I have always been able to turn of my emotions its like a light switch that I had complete control off bugger that’s another lie I did not think I had emotions I go threw the action but with out the feeling , the reason for this is was I lost my connection to my family when my sister died I lost a part of me. Yea that sounds very strange
Ok my mother is a /was a self harmer if you look at her arms there just basically scares but she only did it for the attention Evan as a kid I could see this, my sister dealt with her sympathizing with her telling her she loved her and that sort of thing and I turn my back on it when I sister got married it fell to me to take care of her when she got like this the first time she did this in front of me I went in the kitchen and got her a better knife and gave it to her told her if she was going to do it do it but be quite I then closed her door and went to my room after a while she started screaming for my younger brothers I went directly to there room they were scared so I told them to stay in there room went into her room and told her she had things to do and get on with it closed the door again and went to bed that was the first time I remember closing my emotion off and it get easier and easier the more time you do it but it does not feel good in fact it feel wrong Amanda and I shared this life and she held me stable she was all emotion and I was not it felt like I felt threw her so I did not need to feel
3. I had no idea what I wanted
Did I want to share my life with someone or was I after just sex. Did I want to talk to someone or send them home did I want to make a future with this person or just have someone to talk to? Bugger that’s a lie to I wanted LOVE but I could not take the chance for it, I wanted kids a family just not deal with everything that goes with that,
After the last one tended to be the same as other “psycho” I gave up again and this time I am doing a lot better. I keep hearing people on here saying there looking for love im just trying to find myself so I guess this is also a confection that im not really looking. More along the lines that I need to talk and im hope that this faceless body could help,
It’s a bit basic but I still have a problem opening up